


Are you a pusher or are you a puller?

by Laventriloque



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abusive Father, Alternate Universe, Angst, Depressed Louis, Don't know if there will be smut yet, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, I'll edit the tags if I decide to write some, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Insecure Louis, M/M, Older Harry, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Social Worker Harry, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-03-03 10:48:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 53,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13339677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laventriloque/pseuds/Laventriloque
Summary: “Do you think I will die from that height? Is it high enough?” He hears himself ask. He doesn’t know why he engaged a conversation with a stranger that’s likely to see him die. It’s not fair to neither of them. He shouldn’t talk, he should just jump, however there’s something about the stranger’s voice that sooths him and he wants to hear more of it. It’s selfish he knows, but Louis always was weak.“Love, I need you to grab my hand for me okay? You could really hurt yourself, it’s dangerous to step over the barrier, love. Grab my hand, I’ll take you to the other side safely ok?”The stranger doesn’t seem to understand how far the other side seems to Louis. "ORAlternate universe where Louis is 16 and Harry is 23.Louis has suffered abuse from his father since he was a child. He needs to escape and Harry is there to show him that death isn't the only way to do so.(And, necessarily, there is some Ziam in there, Zayn is a bruding artist, because how can he not be? and Liam is a PhD student.)





	1. prologue

Louis can see himself from a far. It’s as if he is watching a movie, not fully aware of himself while he steps over the ledge of the bridge. He stares down at the water beneath him and hopes that the bridge is high enough, the water cold enough and the current violent enough that when he finally jumps, everything stops. That’s all he really wants. For everything to stop.

He knows he’s worthless, he’s been told numerous times. He knows nobody would mourn him, he’s been told that too. He is aware of his black eye throbbing and he’s dislocated jaw aching. He is aware of he’s bruised ribs, maybe some of them are even broken, but he can't _feel_ it. Truth is, he’s accustomed to the pain, he doesn’t feel it anymore. More accurately he doesn’t know how not being hurt would feel anymore.

He definitely can’t feel anything other than the longing for silence, for the voices in his head telling him he’s never going to accomplish anything, never going to be worth anything to anyone, he wants those voices to shut up for once. He knows the only way to do that is to jump.

The only fear that’s keeping him from leaping into the abyss beneath him is the fear of not succeeding, of not dying. What if the fall isn’t big enough? What if the water isn’t cold enough? Is it ironic that your thoughts just before killing yourself aren’t ones of instinctive survival, but of fear of not dying the way you intend to? Louis fears staying alive more than dying.

He doesn’t know how long it’s been standing on the ledge of the bridge, grabbing the barrier behind him. He hears some sort of commotion on the bridge, _sirens_ , he thinks, _maybe there’s been an accident nearby_ , he thinks. He wouldn’t imagine that someone would have noticed him. Nobody ever did. Not his teachers, nor his so-called friends.

“Hello, I’m Harry.”

 _Is someone talking to me?_ Louis isn’t sure, all he can see is emptiness beneath, the void calling him, teasing him. _Why aren’t I jumping already? Why can’t I accomplish this one thing?_ He can see himself sobbing, but he doesn’t really feel it. He can’t move trapped by the fear of not dying if he jumps and not dying if he doesn’t jump either. The voice behind him is persistent, the person attached to it gently asks for louis’ name. Louis doesn’t see the point in that. His name won’t matter to anyone anyways.

“Do you think I will die from that height? Is it high enough?” He hears himself ask. He doesn’t know why he engaged a conversation with a stranger that’s likely to see him die. It’s not fair to neither of them. He shouldn’t talk, he should just jump, however there’s something about the stranger’s voice that sooths him and he wants to hear more of it. It’s selfish he knows, but Louis always was weak.

“Love, I need you to grab my hand for me okay? You could really hurt yourself, it’s dangerous to step over the barrier, love. Grab my hand, I’ll take you to the other side safely ok?”

The stranger doesn’t seem to understand how far the other side seems to Louis.

“So you think I would die than?” Louis morbidly asks. He just wants the stranger to talk more, to soothe him so he can be at peace when he finally falls.

“what’s your name love?”

Louis still doesn’t understand the persistence of the stranger. Why would he care so much about someone like Louis? His own father has told him countless times that he isn’t worth anybody’s attention and he's father knows him. He is right, he isn’t worth anyone’s time or effort. He should save the stranger the bother and tell him that Louis isn’t worth it. But Louis is selfish and weak he won’t do that. He will latch onto any attention you give him, like a desert would soak every moisture it could touch, every impossible raindrop. Curious as to see who carries that deep, soft voice, Louis turns his face towards it and is met with striking, intelligent green eyes and a gentle face, a caring one. The word around him spins and he suddenly feels himself going back into his body. It’s like he has suddenly awoken. The problem is that the dream was easier, reality is his nightmare. Returning to his body is violent. He feels his jaw, aching from the right punch of his father, his left eye that he can barely open from the second punch he received seconds after before collapsing to the ground. He feels his torso lithered with bruises from the kicks his father threw at him. More than the physical pain he feels the hurt of his words, telling him he’s nothing, telling him he should kill himself and end his miserable excuse for a life.

Those green eyes brought him back. And the awakening is too violent for Louis. He is now fully aware of the fall that threatens his broken limbs. He is fully aware of the danger threatening his life. He’s not so sure he can jump anymore. Green eyes have a hand stretched out to him, pleading for him to take. Louis now feels tears falling from his eyes. He wants to go back to the dream, he doesn’t want to face the pain he now feels. Louis is weak, he can’t take it. He looks back down for a fraction of a second. He has to be brave enough to jump. He has to. He needs to be. He can't go back now.

“What is your name?” The man asks again, sensing a change in Louis’ demeanor. He seems more aware now, more receptive to what Harry is saying. He could see a light in the blue of his eyes that wasn’t there seconds before.

“Louis.” The boy says. Harry thinks he mustn’t be more than 17 years old, maybe younger. What would bring such a young boy on the ledge of a bridge, desperately trying to end his life when it hasn’t fully begun?

Harry, at only 23, has already seen his fair share of suicide attempts being the first responder police turns to in these situations. He knows that in this line of profession you have to distance yourself from the person you’re trying to save, but as soon as his eyes landed on those striking blues he could hardly breathe from how much he cared. He wants to save him, wants to cuddle him close and tell him everything’s going to be okay. If he could only reach the boy’s hand, he could pull him from the imminent danger and make sure he’s all right. Looking at the boy’s face, Harry can see the bruising, can see the hurt in his eyes. He has no doubt that the person who did this to him has a strong connection to the reason he’s here tonight. He wants to make that person suffer, he wants to make sure no one hurts Louis ever again. He surprises himself for caring so much already, but he decides he doesn’t care about protocol anymore, he just wants to save this boy in every way possible. He promises himself he’s going to do everything in his power to make him all right again. He has to stop himself from stepping over the barrier to grab Louis. It wouldn’t be wise to risk his life like that. If he fell, who would take care of Louis?

“Louis hi! Nice to meet you.” Harry forces a gentle smile on his face, his hand still stretched as far as he possibly can. He is aware of the ambulance and the two police cars behind him, the silence is thick, almost suffocating, everyone waiting anxiously to see if Harry will succeed in changing the boy’s mind.

If Louis would just stretch his arm a little, Harry could touch him. That’s all he needs. Contact. However small. Than he could grab Louis and lead him out of imminent danger. But blue eyes are staring at him, unsure if he can let himself trust, unsure of what Harry’s intentions are.

“Louis, I need you to take my hand for me, okay?” Harry repeats, he knows it probably won’t be that easy, it rarely is.

“Please let me do this. I have to” Louis can’t imagine going back home, not after running away like he did. If he doesn’t kill himself now, he’s not sure his father won’t take care of it himself. He needs to have control over at least how he dies. He won’t die being beat up against a wall, he just won’t. Tears are flooding down Louis’ face.

He can’t go back to his father. He has to jump, there’s no question anymore. He needs to try. He just wishes Harry wouldn’t see it. He doesn’t want those gentle green eyes to witness his death. He has to be left alone.

Louis turns his face back to the water. As soon as Harry leaves him alone, he will jump.

Harry sees the sudden determination in Louis’ body language, he can feel his decision. He knows how critical this could be. He panics and fights not to let it show. He has to stay calm for Louis.

“Louis, don’t jump.” He rushes, trying to hold on to the boy's attention. Any moment Louis could decide to release the barrier. The jump would be fatal, there’s no doubt about it, Harry as already seen it himself. He won’t let it happen again. “Come one buddy, take my hand, let’s talk about this okay? Think it through yeah?”

Louis is shaking his head violently, face down to the water. He has to stop listening to Harry. Harry has to stop talking. Louis knows he’s weak and he doesn't want those beautiful green eyes to change his mind. His moment of bravery will pass if Harry doesn’t go away now.

“Harry?” The name rolls hesitantly on Louis’ lips. Harry shivers from the innocence of it. He wants to protect this boy more than anything.

“Yes Louis, I’m here, I’m listening”. He needs to convince Louis to take his hand. Harry’s mind is going through every option possible. If he can’t make contact with him, he’ll have to figure out why exactly Louis is here and convince him it’s not worth it, make him see that he has his life in front of him, he can’t throw it away so soon. Harry also knows that the longer he keeps Louis talking, the better his chances are of not going through with it.

“Please, can you leave me? I can’t do this if you watch, I can’t do it in front of you.” Louis’ breathing picks up. He’s silently sobbing.

“Louis –“ Harry starts, but is quickly interrupted by Louis’ pleads.

“Please, please, please, Harry let me jump. You have to let me do this. I don’t want you to look, go back please, I’m begging you Harry, I can’t do this if I know you’re looking, I need to be alone.” Louis is full on crying now, he can’t seem to calm himself down. Harry is worried he might slip by accident seeing how worked up he is getting. He needs to calm him down.

“Okay Louis calm down now. I hear you, I understand you feel you need to do this and you need me to leave to do so, I understand love.” Harry is intently analyzing Louis’ body language, he can see him calming down. Good. Now he needs to keep him talking.

“Let’s make a deal okay? I will leave you alone if you explain to me why you’re doing this first. If I agree with your reasons, I will leave you alone, I will.” Harry sees Louis furrowing his eyebrows. He’s thinking about it, Harry is pleased not to be met with a resounding no. seeing an opening, he continues,

“Louis, you are in control, only you can decide if you want to live or die right now. It would be your choice either to jump or to take my hand. No one can make you do something you don’t want to. I understand that Louis, I do. I just want to make sure you thought this through. If I see that you did and agree with you, I will leave you alone.”

He knows than that Louis needs to feel like he has control not only on ending his life, but also on deciding to live. Harry needs to convince him that it would also be empowering and brave for Louis to choose life rather than death.

“You won’t understand--” Louis begins. Harry is quick to interject.  
“I will try my hardest to understand Louis. I will listen and if I agree with your conclusions, I will leave you alone.”

The 5 seconds of silence that follow are agonizing to Harry. He needs to let Louis ponder though. If he talks too much, he could overwhelm him and that wouldn’t end well either.

“Promise?” Louis finally says.

Harry smiles a little, seeing an opportunity he can’t ignore. It might dent Louis’ trust towards him, but he has to try. Louis’ life is more important, he’ll work on rebuilding trust later. Talking longer could end really badly and he can’t take chances like that. He can’t lose this innocent, beautiful young boy he just found.

With determination and kindness Harry tries his shot,

“Pinky promise” he closes the hand that was still stretched towards Louis so that only his pinky sticks out. Hoping, praying that Louis will take the bait.

Louis does. He stretches his hand, pinky first. As soon as Harry feels the soft skin on his, he grabs, Louis’ arm and forcefully shoves him away from the ledge, on the right side of the barrier and away from danger.

Louis gasps. He feels betrayed, he’s crying uncontrollably. Harry didn’t let him explain and he can’t go back home, he’s father will beat him to death, he knows it. Or worse, he’ll leave him barely breathing on the floor. Louis is panting erratically, crying, he tries to get up and back on the ledge, but someone pins him to the floor. He fights with everything he has left to free himself, ignoring the violent shoots of pain in his torso and his jaw.

“Please Louis, try to calm your breathing for me. You’re having a panic attack.”

“Let me – go, please – let me – I need to – please – I can’t – I can’t go back!” Louis is desperate, he is fighting the police officer that’s now putting handcuffs on his wrists to restrain him. Louis can’t breathe, he’s so scared of going back home, he’s suffocating under the police officer’s weight. He sees familiar green eyes lean over him, he feels a gentle hand on his shoulder and another one pushing his sweaty fringe back, away from his eyes.

“Louis breathe. Concentrate on your breathing. In and out, in and out. That’s it you’re doing great love.”

Harry takes him through his inhales and exhales and Louis can feel himself calming down. Exhausted, he stops fighting back. He has to accept his fate now. He has no control, he never had any. He was fooled into thinking that someone cared for once, that Harry cared. In reality, he was only doing his job. Making sure no one was killing themselves on his watch. He didn’t care if it was Louis’ only escape. He didn’t care that now Louis was stuck going back to his aggressive father. He didn’t care about Louis at all and Louis was weak, talking to a stranger instead of doing what needed to be done. Now it’s too late.

Harry can see the boy’s exhaustion rising as the adrenaline wears off. He asks the police officer to release his hands. He watches as the boy is slowly lead to the back of the ambulance that will take him to the nearest hospital. Harry having done his job as first respondent shouldn’t go with him, shouldn’t feel compelled to know the boy’s story and shouldn’t want to protect him at any cost. But he does and he won’t apologize for it. He is a social worker by training. He will fight to be assigned to Louis’ case and fight to make sure he doesn’t go back to whoever put those bruises on this perfect, beautiful boy.


	2. I pull the weight towards me

 

Harry is so grateful for his boss. Anne is a wonderful, caring and understanding woman and after hearing Harry’s persistent pleads on the phone to take Louis’ case, she caved telling him she trusted Harry. He had a good reputation, strong ethics and always brought results to his work.

Harry is now standing in front of Louis’ hospital door where Dr. Philips, an old, experienced and sharp man is explaining the extent of Louis’ injuries.

“He has two broken ribs, a dislocated jaw, a very bad black eye and various other bruises on his torso and legs.”

Seeing Harry flinch, he quickly states,

“He’s going to be all right. He needs bed rest for at least two weeks: time for the ribs to heal a little. I’m going to give him pain medication, but other than that he is free to go whenever you see it fit.” 

“Ok. Is he awake now?”

The doctor shakes his head,

“He’s sound asleep. He was exhausted when he arrived; he was in and out of consciousness, barely aware of his surroundings. I don’t think he even registered that he is in a hospital.”

Harry nods, it’s understandable. The poor kid must have been exhausted after all he’s been through. Not that Harry really knows exactly what that is, but his mind has been imagining all kinds of horrible scenarios. It’s made him anxious to talk to Louis, to help him as much as he can.

 Just as Harry makes to open the door to Louis’ room the doctor stops him.

“Look… you’re his social worker, right?”

Harry nods, eyebrow raised in a silent question.

“He said something while I was tending to him. He was barely conscious, but… maybe it’s nothing, but you should probably know. He said he couldn’t go back home and when I asked him why I swear I heard him say ‘my father’… it was hard to hear and make out clearly so I don’t want to accuse anyone of anything. I just thought you should know. I also took pictures of his injuries as evidence. Even though his father might have nothing to do with it, I’m positive someone caused his injuries. If he wants to press charges when he wakes up, then he’ll have photos.”

Harry isn’t dumb, he has a pretty strong idea of Louis’ situation; he has seen abused kids before and Louis gave away a lot of red flags while they were on the bridge. He has enough suspicions that he wouldn’t let Louis go back to his home even without the doctor’s words.

But now, there is no way he is letting Louis out of his sight until somebody is behind bars and Louis is in a safe and secure place. He can feel anger building in his chest thinking of how Louis could have gotten those injuries. He has to control himself to stay professional and not go on a hunt for the monster who hurt Louis so bad. He has to force his voice to stay collected when he thanks Dr. Philips for his insight and goes into Louis’ room, careful not to disturb the sleeping boy.

His anger slips to sympathy and the urge to protect when he sees Louis asleep, almost peaceful, his bruises a strong reminder of the scars he holds within.

He contemplates waking him up, but he knows the boy needs rest. However, he can’t leave him alone until he talks to him and issues a statement. Normally, they would have contacted Louis’ family, but they didn’t have any information on him since he didn’t carry any identification, they didn’t even have his last name. And after hearing the doctor’s suspicions Harry is in no rush to call Louis’ parents.

He has to remind himself that he can’t draw any definitive conclusions yet. He can’t go around throwing those kinds of accusations just because a doctor might have heard Louis whisper something suspicious. For all he knows Louis could have gotten into a fight with someone and it could have nothing to do with abuse.

So, he makes himself comfortable in the chair near Louis’ bed and waits for him to wake up. However long that will take. This, no doubt, will be a long night.

 

\---

 

Louis panics as he slowly makes his way to consciousness. Did his father kill him already? He’s sore, his jaw is aching and his whole left side is in intense pain. No, his father didn’t kill him yet: death wouldn’t hurt like this. His breathing picks up. This means he still has to live through his father’s anger. This means nothing is resolved. His father is probably waiting for him to wake up just so he is conscious when he beats him up; he likes making Louis scream, he likes when Louis begs for him to stop. Yes, he is just waiting for him to wake up.

 

Just as Louis reaches full blown panic and promises himself he will never open his eyes again, something dawns on him and he calms down considerably: Louis isn’t in his bed. The sheets are too soft and too warm, the mattress is too thick and he can’t breathe the usual mixture of dust and moisture that constitutes the air in his father’s basement. Hope surfaces. Maybe he still has time. Maybe he can run away and never go back. Maybe he can live longer than he intended to. Maybe…

 

He slowly and carefully opens one eye and is met with a pale, grey ceiling, he opens the other eye and assesses the room he’s in. A hospital. The machines on his left and the dull pale paint on the walls give it away. He turns his head to the window and is surprised to see someone softly asleep on a chair next to him. A pale light makes it through the distastefully green curtains and hits one side of the sleeping figure’s face. He seems frozen in time, peaceful and utterly beautiful. Louis feels like he is looking at a portrait the sun carefully brushed with its rays, giving light and beauty to the otherwise dull and dreadful hospital room.

 

He can’t take his eyes off of him, he’s familiar, like Louis should know him, but he can’t make out who it is.

 

And then the stranger stirs, and his eyes open slowly. Gentle and caring green eyes.

 

“Harry” Louis whispers.

 

He remembers. The bridge, his failed attempt at escaping his pathetic and sad life.

 

“Louis, hi.” Harry is happy to see Louis awake. He didn’t realize he had fallen asleep.

 

“Have you been awake for long?”

 

“I’m not sure.” And Louis isn’t sure. He doesn’t know how long he spent looking at the painting Harry was providing his eyes with. He frankly doesn’t care. He doesn’t want Harry to leave. For some reason, when he is around, Louis feels his pain subdued considerably. He likes those gentle eyes making him feel worth something. He craves that feeling like the moon craves the sun’s light.

 

“Are you hungry? A nurse brought you some food earlier.”

 

Louis is hungry. He’s used to not eating much. He’s used to hunger. His father never let him eat a lot, saying he didn’t deserve it. He would go whole days without eating much more than a piece of bread. His father is right, he doesn’t deserve to be taken care of and he should warn Harry before he realizes it himself, but Louis is weak.

 

“I’m not hungry.” He doesn’t deserve to eat.

 

“It’s all right, love. I’ll just put the food aside for later, yeah?” Harry proceeds to put the tray of food on a table near the window.

 

“Louis, I have some questions for you if you feel up for it, I’d like you to answer them as honestly as you can ok?”

 

Harry is so gentle and kind. Louis wishes he wouldn’t be. Louis is a terrible human being wasting all of Harry’s compassion on him. Harry shouldn’t be so nice, it just makes him feel guilty.

 

“Ok” Louis simply says. He should get this over with so that Harry can take care of someone worthy, someone better than Louis.

 

“We’ll start with an easy one: what is your last name?” Harry is smiling softly and Louis can see a dimple on his left cheek. It’s a work of art really and he can’t look away.

 

“Tomlinson.” Louis answers, transfixed by the man looking intently at him.

 

“How old are you?”

 

“16”

 _God, he is so young,_ Harry thinks. 

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

Harry is carefully tiptoeing around the questions he really wants to ask. He doesn’t want to overwhelm the kid.

 

Louis has no idea how to answer that question honestly. He wants to do well and Harry asked him to answer as honestly as possible, but he has never answered that question with honesty. When his friends at school would ask him, he would robotically answer something generic like, “fine you?” or “Great”. He would never say how much sadness or guilt he felt, he would never tell them how in pain he was every single day of his existence. He would simply fake a smile and lie.

 

With Harry, he doesn’t feel like he can do that. He is being so caring and gentle; the least Louis can do is be honest with him.

 

“I don’t know how to answer that.”

Louis decides it’s the most honest he could be.

 

Harry furrows his brows, concerned. He doesn’t press it. He continues his questioning nonetheless with the more difficult questions.

 

“So, Louis, I have to ask: how did you get those bruises?” There it is, Harry thinks. He hopes Louis will trust him enough to tell him.

 

Louis does trust him is the thing. He wants to tell Harry everything, but if his father ever heard he told on him, Louis wouldn’t make it out alive. Or he would, which scares Louis even more.

 

Seeing Louis hesitate, Harry presses.

 

“I want to tell you Louis, and maybe I should have begun with that. Anything you tell me here is confidential. I can’t tell anyone what you tell me unless you give me permission to.”

 

Louis seems unsure, like he doesn’t fully trust what Harry says is the truth.

 

“Promise?” Louis asks.

 

“Promise.” Harry says.

 

“No pinky promises though, I wouldn’t risk it again with you” Louis jokes, genuinely smiling a little for the first time in a long time. He wants Harry to know that he isn’t angry with him for breaking his word on the bridge. Harry laughs breathily, relieved that Louis can joke about what happened and forgave him so quickly.

 

He waits for Louis to talk. The silence lasts a little longer than is usually comfortable between two almost-strangers, but Harry lets it be. He knows if he breaks the silence he might make Louis change his mind about telling him how he got his injuries. He needs to let Louis take his time with this.

 

Finally, Louis talks an it’s simple, straight to the point.

 

“My father did this to me.”

 

Louis had never said it out loud to someone else and he feels relieved. Harry can see him exhale and can almost see a literal weight lifting off of his shoulders.

 

“I’m glad you trusted me with this Louis. I think I can help you if you’d let me.”

 

Harry is already making up a plan in his head. He knows how to take care of this. He needs to get Louis out of his house to begin with and issue a statement against his father.

 

But Louis is shaking his head. He doesn’t deserve Harry’s help. He’s already helped too much by simply listening so carefully. He has relieved Louis of a secret he didn’t know weighed on him so heavily. But even that, he didn’t deserve. Louis decides he’s postponed telling him long enough. He has to warn Harry of how much of a terrible person Louis is.

 

“I don’t deserve your help Harry.” Louis feels on the verge of tears. Once Harry knows what he’s done and why his father hits him regularly, he’s never going to want to help him further. He’s going to walk away. Louis sees Harry open his mouth to object, but Louis beats him to it. He needs to get it out in the open so that Harry stops wasting his time. He feels tears rushing down his face as he says,

 

“I’m gay, Harry.”

 

He’s ashamed to admit it. He’s looking down at his fingers, playing with a loose strand on the sheets. He doesn’t want to see the disappointment and disgust in Harry’s eyes. He can sense him standing up from his chair. That’s it, Louis thinks, he’s leaving. Louis sobs quietly. He liked Harry, he really did and maybe he hoped just a little bit that Harry wouldn’t react like this, that Harry would be ok with it, that he would stay with Louis, comfort him.

 

To Louis’ surprise, Harry doesn’t head to the door. Instead, he slowly approaches Louis’ bed and crouches in front of Louis who is still playing with the sheets with one hand and sobbing silently. Harry tries to meet Louis’ eyes and swipes away tears as they fall on Louis’ face.

 

“Louis, listen to me.” Harry tries.

 

Louis desperately avoids Harry’s gaze. He’s so scared that his going to turn on him like his father did when Louis came out to him years ago. He was naïve back then, thinking it wasn’t an abomination to think about other men the way he does. He knows better now.

 

“Louis, look at me.” Harry demands.

 

Louis does and is surprised to see no trace of disgust, no trace of disappointment. He only sees Harry’s usual gentle and caring green eyes. For a reason Louis doesn’t understand, seeing Harry so understanding only makes him cry harder. His tears are no longer silent and he can’t control the violent sobs that escape his lips.

 

Harry only sits down beside him and wraps his arms tightly around him. He traces soothing circles on Louis’ back and tells him repeatedly that everything’s going to be okay, that he doesn’t deserve what his father has done to him, that there’s no shame in being gay. And Louis wants to believe him. He decides to let himself believe it, even if it’s only for now, even if part of him isn’t sure. He decides to let himself be rocked by Harry’s warm arms. He decides to let himself be cared for, let himself believe that he is worthy of Harry’s gentleness. Just for now, just this once.

Louis is weak, what can he say?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be updating once every two days
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave me comments, love having your feedback :)
> 
> Xx


	3. I lack the zest of a lemon looking forward

Once Louis calms down, neither of them breaks their embrace. Louis is clinging to Harry’s shirt with his adorable little hands and Harry can’t let go of the sweet gorgeous boy laying over his chest. He thinks Louis can’t be comfortable on top of Harry like that with his broken ribs, but Louis seems peaceful.

 

And Louis is. He's never felt so peaceful, lulled by the rising and falling of Harry's chest underneath him. His head is laying just over Harry’s heart and its regular beating relaxes him completely. He slowly feels himself falling into a deep comfortable sleep.

 

The moment is broken by Harry’s phone ringing, which he quickly grabs, hoping it didn't disturb Louis. Harry sees it’s Liam, probably wondering why Harry didn’t come home last night.

 

“Hiii” Harry says lowly.

“Hey Harry! You’re alive! Look at that, Zayn, Harry’s alive!”

Harry hears a lazy and slightly sarcastic sounding “Yeah!” in the background.

Liam and Zayn are used to Harry not coming home for long periods of time, his job is sometimes unpredictable.

“Sorry for not calling Li, I got caught up at work.”

“Yeah figured. It’s fine. Hey, when do you think you’ll be back?”

 

Liam tries to make it sound like he misses Harry but the latter isn’t fooled. He’s known Liam and Zayn since high school and the two of them have been together for as long as he remembers. Liam wants to know how much time they have left to fool around in the apartment before Harry comes back, he’s sure of it. Harry smirks knowingly.

 

“Actually, I’m like a minute away from opening the door right now. M’crossing the street as we speak.”

 

Harry hears sudden commotion on the other line. He hears Zayn swear loudly. He can easily imagine them in the middle of the living room looking for their clothes scattered here and there and trying to put the mess they’d made over night, and apparently over the morning too (Harry doesn’t want to know) back together before Harry comes through the door.

He hears muffled swears and he holds his laughter for as long as he can, but a giggle escapes him. Liam catches on.

 

“You’re not anywhere near the apartment, are you?” Liam sighs

 

“Nope. far from it actually.” Harry laughs.

 

“Wanker.” “For fuck’s sakes” He hears Liam and Zayn curse simultaneously.

 

They all laugh a little before Harry continues on a more serious note.

 

“Actually Liam, I’m glad you called.” He says. He hasn’t thought through what he is going to say and he probably should talk to Louis about it first, but since he has his roommates on the phone…

 

He checks if Louis is asleep and his deep steady breaths and a slightly opened mouth (he tries not to coo, he’s so adorable) tell him he is out like a light.

 

So, he continues, whispering not to disturb the boy’s slumber.

 

“I’m at the hospital right now with a new case. His name is Louis, his 16 years old and hum…he’s really sweet, he’s been through a lot and hum…the thing is--”

 

Harry doesn’t know how his roommates will react. He knows it’s a lot to ask to take in a kid that’s been abused by his father, but he really thinks they will like Louis and he knows it would be a good environment for the boy. And he wants Louis close to him, but nobody needs to know that.

 

“--You’re bringing him here aren’t you?” Liam was always the perspicacious one.

 

“yeah… if that’s all right with you.”

 

“Well I trust you to keep an eye on him, yeah? Really, it’s fine.”

 

“Yeah mate no worries” He hears Zayn in the background.

 

 _That was easy_ , Harry thinks. He really loves his friends.

 

When they’re not shagging in the living room that is.

 

“Ok than. Thanks!”

 

“So… hum… _Zayn stop_ \-- when will you -- be back?” Liam is gasping and heavy breathing trying to get the words out and Harry can only imagine what Zayn is doing right now.

 

“Not before this late afternoon I think. You still have time I guess.” Harry’s nose wrinkles thinking of what that implies. “But I will probably be with Louis when I come back so please, by then, be presentable yeah?”

 

“Of course. See you!” Liam is quick to hang up. Harry smiles fondly. Even after 8 years, his friends never left the honeymoon phase of their relationship.

 

So, Harry is doing this. He is bringing Louis back to his apartment. He really hopes it’s going to be ok with him… and the government, Harry thinks. He needs to file documents to become his temporary legal guardian. Actually, Harry needs to sort a lot of things out for Louis right now, and with Louis’ earlier breakdown, he didn’t even get through all the questions he needed Louis to answer. Hell, he just took for granted that no other family member could take him in.

 

Reluctantly Harry detaches himself from the cute sleeping form, gently replacing the covers over him and exits the room quietly.

 

Harry then goes into work mode. He prepares himself for the numerous phone calls he has to make. First thing’s first: getting Louis’ father arrested. Harry doesn’t think that will be complicated since he has the photos of Louis’ injuries as evidence. He will have to prepare Louis to give an official statement to seal the deal and maybe prepare for a trial if his father fights back, but that will take time and he needs his father behind bars as quickly as possible. He wants Louis as safe as he can be.

 

After an hour of frustrating calls to lawyers, forwarding the picture Dr. Philips had taken of Louis’ injuries, asking his boss for help, talking to his lawyers again, he gets nowhere. He can't believe it. Never, in a case of child abuse has he had that problem before. When Harry mentions Troy Tomlinson's name every lawyer and police officer cowardly retract and tell him they can't do anything. Harry has discovered that Louis’ father is a very successful CEO that apparently owns half the city. Harry can’t find anyone that wants to go against him and he wants to scream his lungs out.

 

His pacing the floor just outside Louis’ room when his coworker, Niall calls him. He had asked him for help arresting Troy earlier.

 

“Hey Nialler, what’s up?”

 

Harry is anxious to know what Niall has discovered. So much of Louis’ well-being depends on this.

 

“Hi.” Sensing Harry’s impatience, Niall skips the formalities and gets straight to the point.

 

“I’m afraid I don’t have much. Looks like Troy owns multiple lawyer firms in the city, so finding someone to defend Louis is going to be really hard.”

 

“Yeah, I figured that out, thanks.”

 

When Louis told him his story, Harry imagined his father being a low-life drunk with anger management issues. To be fair, it usually was what he dealt with in abuse cases. Now a powerful CEO was not what he expected. With media attention and the power Troy holds, this case could get vicious really fast. This is bad.

 

“Yeah, well there’s bound to be a lawyer that’s not afraid to go against him, right? We’ll just call every one of them until someone’s willing to fight.” Niall says.

 

He’s always been the optimistic type, always encouraging and cheerful. Harry really likes that about him. In this kind of profession, Niall makes all the difference in the world.

 

“Yeah you’re right.” Just talking to Niall, Harry feels an upsurge of motivation.

 

“Did you have anything else?” Harry asks.

 

“Yeah I did yeah. Hum, while profiling Troy Tomlinson I’ve gotten information on his family and I thought it might be useful. From what I gathered his father was an only child, his parents are dead and I couldn’t find record of anyone else with the name Tomlinson in the city that might be related directly to him. Now Louis’ mother, from what I could find was originally from France. Apparently, that’s where Louis’ parents met. And hum… she seems to have died giving birth to Louis.”

 

Harry’s heart drops in his chest. The poor kid doesn’t have anyone else, but a horrible, violent, uncaring father. Harry wants nothing more than to crawl back into Louis’ bed and cuddle him senseless.

 

Harry sighs. He needs to talk to Louis. He shouldn’t even know all this before Louis is ready to talk about it. His father being who he is makes everything more complicated.

 

“All right, anything else?”

 

“No that’s all I’ve got for now. It’s not much, but we need every info possible to get the bastard. I’ll keep you posted if I find out anything else.”

 

“Thanks, Nialler.”

 

“Sure thing. Hang in there, Harry.”

 

They say their goodbyes and hang up.

 

Just When Harry was going to make another call to yet another lawyer, he hears commotion in the waiting room. He sees a nurse go through the door and he goes to ask her what is all the noise about, worried that it will wake Louis up.

 

“Sir, hi. Louis Tomlinson’s father is in the waiting area and Dr. Philips won’t let him through.”

 

“What?” Harry tries not to scream at the poor girl that clearly has no idea of the situation, but it’s revealing to be quite hard.

 

“He isn’t supposed to know Louis is here! Who contacted him?” Harry asks the nurse who only looks at him with wide eyes. She obviously doesn’t fully comprehend the what's going on.

 

“I don’t know, sir. Dr. Philips is with Louis’ father right now, but it doesn’t seem to be going too well. That’s all I know, I’m sorry.”

 

She points to the waiting room, silently telling Harry to go see for himself and quickly walks away, obviously not wanting to interfere in a situation she doesn’t fully grasp.

 

When Harry enters the waiting room he sees Dr. Philips in a heated discussion with a slim pale man in an expensive looking suit. He’s talking aggressively in the elderly doctor’s personal space. Harry’s blood boils.

 

“You can’t keep me from seeing my son! What the hell kind of hospital is this? I want to see your superior right fucking now!”

 

“Sir, I’m going to ask you to calm down or we will contact the police.” Harry steps in.

 

“And who the hell are you may I ask?”

 

“Harry, call Casey, now.” Dr. Philips tells him pointedly, contrastingly calm and composed.

 

Casey is one of the police officers that was assigned to Louis’ case last night.

 

“Yeah go call Casey.” Troy snarls, probably thinking it was their superior’s name.

 

Harry has to keep every fiber of his being from punching the motherfucker in the face. The pointed look Philips gives him though makes him think better of it. He pulls himself together and goes to call Casey. He can hear Troy asking for Louis’ room number repeatedly. The more Philips tells him to calm down the more it seems to infuriate the businessman. The man clearly has anger management issues. Casey is going to be here any second now and Harry is starting to develop a plan to get Troy arrested, even if it isn’t for Louis’ abuse, it would buy them time.

 

Harry gets in to help doctor Philips and put his plan to execution.

 

“Look sir you can’t see your son, get over it and go sit the fuck down!” Harry gets into Troy’s space. He knows this is going to piss him off even more and that’s exactly what he wants.

 

He sees his fists closing on themselves, ready to hit him any second. Perfect. Harry smirks and presses.

 

“I know what you’re doing to your son and with all due respect, sir, you will never see Louis again, I will make sure of it.” Harry calmly states.

 

He sees Troy’s eyes flash with anger, “How dare you talk to me like that?”

 

As Harry opens his mouth to retort, three things happen all at once.

 

First, he sees in the corner of his eye a familiar police officer getting through the hospital’s front doors.

 

Simultaneously, striking, terrified blue eyes make their way into the waiting room.

 

And finally, Harry sees a fist crashing violently on his jaw. Even though he saw it coming, the intensity of the impact throws him to the floor.

 

By the time he gets back up, Troy is being put in handcuffs and is yelling at his son.

 

“Louis William Tomlinson, you better be back home by the time I sort this out. I swear to god if you’re not back, you’ll regret it Louis!”

 

He’s still screaming threats when he’s escorted to the police car outside the hospital and Louis is petrified, unable to move from his spot.

 

Louis’ head is blank. All he can hear is his father promising him a beating if he doesn’t go back to the house. He doesn’t know what to do. If he goes back his father is going to hit him again for sure, but if he doesn’t and his father gets him back anyways it’s going to be ten times worse. He feels himself panicking.

 

Louis is shaking uncontrollably as images of his father punching him and telling him he’s worthless comes back to him.

 

“God, you’re disgusting.”

“You’re a pathetic excuse for a son.”

“Stop crying. You can’t even take it like a man.”

“Fucking Fag.”

 

Seeing his father again opened a flood of memories he can’t contain, they’re all coming back at him at once. He tries to close his eyes to stop the images from flooding in, but he only sees them clearer. He tries to cover his ears to stop from hearing his father’s voice, but it only makes it louder.

 

When he comes to his senses a little he is sitting on the floor and Harry is cradling him from behind, trying to appease him with gentle words. Louis is still breathing erratically and tears he didn’t realize he'd shed are falling down his face. He can sense Harry breathing on his neck he can feel the ghost of his lips on his ear and it comforts him.

 

“That’s it love, concentrate on your breathing, in and out. You’re doing great Lou. You’re going to be okay I promise. I’m not going to let anything happen to you, you hear me love? You’re safe. You’re safe.”

 

Louis melts in Harry’s arms. His breathing gets steadier and the images of his father slowly go away. He is exhausted and his side is beginning to ache again. Harry seems to understand and helps him up.

 

“Let’s get you back in bed yeah? You should be resting.”

 

Louis agrees, but his father’s threats are still in the back of his head. If he doesn’t go back now and his father gets his hands on him, Louis is a dead man.

 

He should accept his fate; fighting it, would only make it worse, wouldn’t it?


	4. Unless I have someone pushing me

“Are you all right in there?” Harry is standing by the bathroom door, waiting for Louis to come out. He had bought Louis a change of clothes for him to wear since he didn’t want him to put the dirty, baggy clothes he came in with. Knowing who Louis’ father is and how loaded he is, Harry can’t believe what Louis was wearing on the bridge when he first met him. How could his dad neglect him so much when he had enough wealth to give the world to this incredible and gorgeous boy? _No matter_ , Harry thought, _I’ll take care of that from now on_.

“Yeah I’m okay.” Louis is looking at himself in the mirror. White skinny jeans and a simple blue shirt that made his eyes look even bluer.  He feels like the clothes are too tight. He’s not used to them actually fitting his figure. “Thank you again Harry, you didn’t have to do that. Really…” He says through the door. He feels like he isn’t worthy of wearing something so beautiful. He felt bad for putting them on, but it would have been rude not to accept Harry’s gift either. Reluctantly he opens the door, worried that Harry will see how Louis can make something expensive look so cheap.

Louis walks through the door sheepishly and Harry’s breath itches. If he thought the boy was stunning before, it’s because he hadn’t seen his body in form fitting clothes. The way the jeans wraps around his curves is practically indecent. He is small but his arms are toned, his thighs are perfectly carved and his ass -- Harry is staring and Louis is looking back at him, red cheeked and feeling very self-conscious. Harry coughs awkwardly.

“You look good.”

“Thanks” Louis is now as red as a tomato and looking at his shoes. Harry can’t help but coo internally at that sight.

“Well if you’re ready, we should go. I can’t wait for you to settle in, then I can make you a proper meal. You haven’t eaten anything all day.”

Louis feels overwhelmed. He can’t let Harry buy him anymore stuff. He needs to pay for the food he eats. He’s certainly not worthy of so much attention and care from someone as incredible as Harry. Seeing Louis’ uneasiness, he reassures him.

“We can talk about it later if you want. One step at a time yeah?”

Louis nods.

“Come on let’s go.”

The ride to Harry’s apartment is silent. Louis keeps thinking about how Harry had told him it was a temporary settlement and that they still had a lot to discuss. Being the gentle soul that Harry is, he had noticed Louis wasn’t ready to talk and he had assured him they didn’t have to rush anything, that they would go at Louis’ pace and he was so grateful for that. It doesn’t stop him from worrying about where he will go. He doesn’t know anyone that could take him in when his father is sentenced, _if_ he is ever sentenced that is. And that line of thought leaves him worrying about his father’s earlier threat.

While driving Harry keeps glancing worriedly at Louis. The latter is looking out the window biting his thumb nail and shaking his leg absent mindedly. After about 5 minutes of this, Harry puts his hand on Louis’ shaking knee reassuringly. They don’t exchange any words, but the simple gesture makes Louis’ stomach flutter and he relaxes a little.

After they park, Harry shows Louis inside the apartment. It’s surprisingly big for only three people and it’s located right in the center of the city with a park just in front of it. The first thing Louis sees when he enters is a spacious living room with a very large couch and a sofa, there’s a big, thin TV attached to the wall and video consoles and DVDs underneath it. A marble counter separates the living room from the very big and sophisticated kitchen. Everything seems to be high hand with modern equipment. It’s also kept very neatly. Harry’s dimpled smile tells Louis he is very proud of this part of the apartment. Actually, Harry seems to be vibrating with excitement showing Louis around and he can’t help but respond with a genuine smile.

Harry is taking him through a corridor, shows him the bathroom, which is up to standard of the rest of the rooms so far.

“And this door leads to my room.” Harry says pointing at a door to his right. He doesn’t open it to Louis’ disappointment.

“I’ll show you later… it’s kind of a mess, I left in a hurry last night and hum… yeah” Harry seems sheepish and Louis thinks it’s kind of cute that he cares so much about what Louis will think of his room. Continuing his walk through the corridor, Harry points to a door on his left.

“This is Zayn and Liam’s room.” Louis naively wonders why they share a room, but thinks better of asking. Harry knocks on the door and they hear a muffled “come in!”.

Liam is on the king-sized bed, in the center of the room, furiously typing on his laptop and surrounded by piles of paper. Louis can’t even distinguish the color of the sheets, it seems like the bed is made only of paper. Louis is intrigued as to what Liam is doing.

He can hear music coming from an adjacent room, the door is cracked open and he thinks he can see smoke coming out of it.

“Hi you two! I wanted to introduce you to Louis. Zayn! Come out of there, will you?” Louis then sees a barefoot Greek god come out of the slightly smoky and mysterious room. He is only wearing joggings; his torso is bare and can see the tattoos on his skin and he thinks he has never seen a man so beautiful. Except maybe Harry, he thinks.

“Hi” Greek god says with a bashful smile.

It’s only then that Liam looks up from his laptop.

“Hi, Louis, it’s great to meet you.”

He removes the glasses he was wearing and gets off the bed, careful not to disrupt the piles of papers that surround him.

They both look as gentle and caring as Harry and it warms Louis’ heart. He just hopes he can be worthy of Harry’s friends. Liam walks to Louis and shakes his hand, Zayn is quick to follow. It’s then that Louis sees the paint brush Zayn is holding.

“Are you a painter?” Louis loves to draw. He had recently taken a habit of stealing papers and pens at school and hiding them under his mattress. His father would have never let him do something so feminine, but it was his little way of rebelling. He is so excited to meet an actual artist.

“Yes I am. Well, paint is not the only medium I use, but it’s mostly what sells, so, yeah.” Zayn shrugs.

Louis is looking at him with wide eyes and Harry can see his excitement.

“Do you paint too Louis?” Harry asks

“Oh no, I’ve never had the chance to really paint. I draw, sometimes. I’m probably not so good, but I like it.” He says shyly, looking at his shoes.

“Well maybe you could paint with me while you’re here. I have a studio just over there” He points at the mysterious door from earlier. “Feel free to join me any time.”

Louis can’t believe how amazing Harry’s friends are. He hopes he doesn’t embarrass Harry in front of them. He has to restrain himself from tearing up at Zayn being so accepting, inviting Louis to paint beside him.

“Have you shown him his room yet Harry?” Liam asks.

“Not yet, I will now, I just wanted him to meet you.”

“Of course. After you called, we figured he would need clothes, so we bought him some. It’s in the wardrobe. Well I chose the clothes and Zayn bought them.” Liam laughs. “And Zayn made him a painting to decorate a little, he thought it was too white.” Looking at Louis, Liam ads, “But if you need anything, don’t hesitate to tell one of us, yeah? We’ll be happy to help.”

And Louis does tear up at that. He feels overwhelmed by kindness. He feels like he could drown in caring gestures and words. He fights back the tears. He can’t appear weak in front of those amazing people, in front of Harry’s friends. It would be so humiliating to start crying when they’re trying to make him feel so comfortable.

“Thank you” Louis almost whispers, afraid that if he talks too loud or makes a brusque movement, they will change their minds about him and send him away.

“It’s no bother Louis, we just want you to be comfortable here, even if it’s just for a little while.” Liam smiles gently at him.

And at that, Louis can’t hold back a tear. Liam reminding him of the how temporary the situation is. He wishes he was here for longer. He wishes he could stay here until he is 18, he wishes he could stay here forever, with Harry and his wonderful friends. But he can’t. He doesn’t have a say in it. He’ll probably be assigned to a foster home and never see Harry again. He wipes away the tear as quickly as possible, but another one comes rushing. He tries to wipe them away as soon as they surface, but everyone can now see how weak and pathetic he is.

“Sor-ry, I-I’m s-so sorry.” He’s so embarrassed he can’t look up at any of them, he doesn’t want to see the look of disgust they are sure to have now. He feels Harry’s hand on his shoulder.

“Hey Louis, it’s ok. Come on, love, I’ll show you to your room now. What do you think?” Louis nods and Harry leads him further down the corridor to the last door.

Louis’ tears stop abruptly at the sight before him. The room is absolutely stunning. In the center, there is a king-sized bed much like Liam and Zayn’s room, to the right there is a gigantic window taking almost all of the wall’s space. The view on the park is beautiful and there is a vast couch just under the window. To his left, a door leads to a walk’ in wardrobe and Louis can see it’s already filled with expensive looking clothes. The most beautiful piece of the room though is definitely Zayn’s painting perched on top of the bed. It’s a watercolor tryptic on which Louis can distinguish the face of a woman, escaping from her slightly opened mouth there is colorful smoke. It’s insanely gorgeous and Louis can’t believe Zayn who’s almost a complete stranger did that for him. He can’t believe Zayn’s talent either.

He is frozen in the door frame and Harry nearly pushes him inside.

“This is too much Harry, I can’t stay here, it’s too-I don’t–“

“Deserve it?” Harry puts his both his hands on Louis’ shoulders and stares into Louis’ eyes. Warm green pierces electric blue and nothing else exists. “

Yes Louis, you do, you deserve every positive thing that happens to you and I will simply have to drown you in care and beauty until you finally see it.”

“Harry- “

“No arguments here Louis. I don’t want to hear it.”

“Ok” Louis sighs. He doesn’t want to get used to this. He won’t stay here long and he has to remember it or it will hurt too much when he leaves.

Breaking eye contact, Harry says,

“All right, now that you’ve met the roommates and got acquainted with the place, what do you say we cook some dinner? You must be starving.”

Not waiting for an answer Harry leads the curvy gorgeousness that is Louis in the kitchen.

Having slept at the hospital the whole day after the incident with his father, Louis _is_ starving. He is still worried about whether or not he deserves all this though. He feels like he should at least pay for his own food. He decides to offer to pay. He has a little bit of money saved under his mattress in the basement of his father’s house. Maybe he could go back without anyone knowing.

“Hum. Harry?”

Harry is already taking food out of the fridge and pans and things that Louis has no idea what they’re for. He never really cooked in his life and he’s sure that he couldn’t even make a grilled cheese if he was asked to.

“Yes Lou?” The nickname makes Louis’ spine shiver.

“I think maybe I should chip in while I’m here. I have a little bit of money saved, I could pay for the food at least? You already bought a wardrobe full of clothes and I don’t know if I can pay you back, but I can probably a job at a shop near school or something.”

Harry is speechless. What even is this kid? There is no way he’s going to let Louis pay for anything.

“Louis. No. Absolutely not.”

“But-“

“No. You are not paying for anything. I am you’re legal guardian for now Louis. This means I will take care of you, you don’t have to worry about money. Besides, Zayn’s art is doing really well and that’s how we can afford all this. He pays for most of it. That’s how he shows he cares, he buys new stuff and he paints. So, he bought you a wardrobe and he painted for your room. And when I want to show I care, I cook.” Harry’s smile is warm.

“But Zayn doesn’t know me. Why would he do all that?”

“Because he’s my friend and he knows I care a lot about you. He wanted you to feel welcomed.”

“But-“

Harry comes around the counter where Louis is standing. He walks into Louis’ space, effectively cutting Louis off. He cups Louis’ cheeks tenderly with his hands.

“You have to learn to take affection from people, love, because I sense a whole lot of it is coming your way.”

The proximity of Louis’ face with his makes Harry want to kiss him, badly. He looks briefly at the boys lips before cutting the moment off abruptly knowing it would only distraught the poor boy and it’s the last thing he wants to do. He reluctantly steps away from a flushed, doe eyed Louis and goes back to his pans.

“Now back to business Louis: do you know how to cook?”

“No idea. I’d probably burn water.” Louis says honestly.

Harry laughs. And Louis smiles knowing he was the cause of that breathtaking sound.

“Ok then. Here is an easy task.” He places a cutting board on the counter. Louis sits on a stool behind it and takes the knife Harry gives him.

Putting a green and a yellow pepper on the cutting board, he asks Louis to cut them in slices.

Louis looks at him, brows furrowed, a million questions in his eyes. He has no idea how to do this.

Harry laughs breathily at Louis’ innocence. This boy’s cuteness apparently has no end.

After explaining him how to do it and showing him with a slice of the green pepper, Louis is confident he can tackle the task well. It’s really not that hard actually. He takes his time, concentrating on doing it perfectly for Harry.

When he finally finishes, he looks up and sees that Harry already has the oven working with something smelling delicious in it, a pan which is frying meat and vegetables and a bowl with some kind of guacamole mixture in it.

He looks back down at the cutting board with slices of pepper on it and feels a little dumb for being so slow. But he is proud of his work nonetheless and besides, he warned Harry he wouldn’t be of much help.

Louis declares his work done and hands the sliced pieces of pepper to Harry who throws them in the pan.

His back to Louis, he stirs it and keeps an eye on the oven, bending over repeatedly. Louis gets lost looking at the assured movements of Harry’s back. His eyes trail off to his ass when he bends over. Harry cooking is really sexy and Louis feels hypnotized. He could look at him for hours. He’s practically drooling when he hears someone coughing beside him. Liam and Zayn have joined them on the stools besides Louis and their knowing smirks tell Louis they were here long enough to see him longing after Harry’s body. He feels his cheeks flush out of embarrassment.

Ignorant to all of what’s happening behind his back, Harry turns around and starts plating everything. He takes out tacos out of the oven. It smells incredible and Louis can feel his stomach grumble.

They put the table together quickly and dig in. Louis isn’t thinking of worthiness or money anymore. He is starving and he is devouring everything he can. After three tacos though, he feels like throwing up. He’s never eaten that much, his father always starving him.

By the time Louis is finished and his stomach is almost bursting, he looks up to Harry, Zayn and Liam who are still at their first taco, staring at him in disbelief. They can’t fathom how fast Louis swallowed his food. Louis realizes then how impolite he must have been, his face goes red and he looks down.

“Sorry. I was really hungry…” Louis feels stupid.

Until all three of them start laughing.

“Yeah no shit.” Zayn says.

“Man, you must really like tacos huh?” Liam ads, still laughing.

Harry is smiling, dimples on full disclosure.

“I’m glad you like my cooking Louis”

Louis relaxes, seeing as no one took offense in his rude behavior.

“Hey! It’s our cooking! I cut the peppers.”

Harry laughs at Louis’ sassiness. He is glad to see him relaxed and smiling. He loves that part of Louis. He wants to see it more often.

 “Yes, a crucial task in did. That you completed marvelously, might I add.” Harry jokes.

Louis is laughing now and the crinkle on the corners of his eyes combined with the perfect row of white teeth that he displays blind Harry momentarily. He wants to see that laugh and that smile as often as possible.

“Thank you” Louis says, trying to encompass more than just Harry’s compliment in those simple two words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to see how I imagine Zayn's painting style, check out Agnes Cecile's work: https://agnes-cecile.deviantart.com


	5. My native optimism isn't broken by the light

_It’s been two days since Louis has eaten anything. His father has rarely starved him for so long. He isn’t allowed in the kitchen and, if he hasn’t been given a lunch to bring to school, he isn’t allowed to buy anything there. Once, Louis broke the rules to buy something from the cafeteria and his father found out; he had to miss an entire week of school until he could walk properly. After 2 days though, he normally would have given him something by now even a little piece of toast and Louis almost accepted his friend’s offering of a granola bar when he saw he was on the verge of fainting, but his father’s voice kept telling him he doesn’t deserve to eat, he doesn’t deserve kindness, so he didn’t take the granola bar._

_He enters his house with caution, putting his school bag on the ground while he unties his shoes. He tries to be as silent as possible. Normally, if he gets to the basement before his father sees him, he doesn’t bother coming down to torment him._

_“Louis? Come here!”_

_He hears his dad yell from the dining room._ Shit _, Louis thinks. He goes to his father’s voice as quick as possible. He knows it will only be worst if he takes too much time obeying to his father’s commands._

_When he enters, he sees they have company and Louis relaxes a little. His father would never beat him in front of other people. Habitually though, when his father has business visits (the only kind of visits he has really), he commands Louis to stay in the basement and be quiet. It’s strange that his father wants to introduce him to the woman and the tree man sitting with him._

_“Here’s my son, Louis. Louis say hi, these are business partners.”_

_“Hi” Louis looks down and twists his fingers together nervously. This is unknown territory and he doesn’t know how his father wants him to behave. One wrong move and who knows what he could do once the guests leave._

_“Louis sit down with us for a while, will you? Rebecca here always asks me about you.” He points to the woman dressed in a very expensive looking red dress. She has a kindness to her eyes that makes Louis smile a little._

_They’re eating beef wellington and it smells and looks delicious. Louis’ stomach grumbles slightly and he worries someone hears, but no one seems to have noticed while he sits on a chair next to his father._

_“Troy aren’t you going to order Louis a plate?”_

_Louis has a sudden hope rising in his chest, but it doesn’t last long._

_“No Louis already ate. He eats with his friends after school sometimes.”_

_His father gives him a severe look and Louis knows what it means. He must play along._

_“Yes, I already ate, but thank you for your concern madam.”_

_His father seems pleased and Louis now understands why he’s been called to the table: to torture him with food. For the next hour, he has to look at everyone eat servings after servings while trying to keep up a polite conversation with Rebecca who asks him a million questions about what he wants to do after school, which universities he’s applying for, who he’s friends with. Louis’ hands are shaking under the table. He needs to eat so badly and he can’t help the longing looks he shoots to the food the guests are eating. Every time he does, he sees his father’s smirk in the corner of his eyes._

_When the guests leave, his father hands him a piece of bread and Louis devours it as quickly as humanly possible. When he’s done, though, the real nightmare begins._

_“Did I tell you you could eat it?” His father asks and Louis freezes. After waiting for so long to eat and being teased by food all evening, he forgot he had to wait for clear permission. He wants to cry, knowing what’s coming next._

_“Answer me Louis, did I give you permission?” His father steps forward and Louis backs away in fear. His back collides with the wall. He’s trapped._

_“No, you didn’t” Louis whispers._

_The first punch is quick to come and it takes Louis by surprise. It hits him right in the eye. His father never hits him in the face for fear of people seeing. Louis knows then it’s going to be a bad one. Another punch comes, this time on his jaw, he hears a crack and he falls to the ground. His father takes advantage of it and kicks him in the ribs repeatedly until he’s coughing blood. He grabs Louis by the hair and throws him down the stairs to the basement. Louis tries to get up, but his muscles won’t cooperate. He sees his father towering over him, he is laughing._

_“Please, stop! Please.”_

_It only makes his father laugh harder._

_“God, I love it when you beg.” He grabs Louis harshly and throws him on his mattress, face down._

_Louis is crying hysterically and repeatedly begging him to stop. He knows what’s coming next._

_He feels his father bring down his pants._

_“please, please, please” Louis’ voice gets caught in his throat and instead of screaming like he wants to it comes out quiet and muffled by his sobs._

_He hears his father’s belt unbuckling._

_“You’re the one who wants to be a stupid fag, Louis. I’m only giving you what you want.”_

_Louis can feel his ass being split in two. The pain is unimaginable and, then he screams. He screams until his throat hurts, it’s the only thing he can do while his father fucks him dry repeatedly._

Harry wakes up to a muffled voice. He stirs and tries to go back to sleep, but even in his foggy sleepy state he recognizes Louis.

“Please, please, please” He seems to be crying and Harry is now completely awake. He rushes to Louis’ bedroom and sees him tossing and turning, crying and begging his imaginary torturer to stop.

Harry knew nightmares were bound to happen after what the boy had endured, but his heart still drops for him.

He approaches slowly and tries to wake him up.

“Louis, wake up. It’s just a nightmare, love.” He gently pushes Louis’ sweaty fringe back, out of his face.

Louis is still sobbing and Harry talks louder this time. He gently cups Louis’ cheek and swipes away tears.

“Louis, wake up, open your eyes for me.”

He hears Liam and Zayn walking down the corridor to Louis’ room. Harry sees them standing in the doorway and looking worriedly at the scene on Louis’ bed.

Harry tries to shake his shoulder a little and it’s then that Louis starts to scream. Harry has never heard such a heartbreaking sound in his life.

“Louis! Love, wake up!” He shakes Louis’ shoulder harder, desperate to get him out of his personal hell.

Louis screams again and again and he’s crying uncontrollably.

Harry steps in the bed with him and takes him in his arms. He rubs soothing circles on Louis’ back with his hand.

“Come one Louis, open your eyes, it’s just a dream.”

When Louis finally opens his eyes, mid-scream he doesn’t recognize Harry and he flinches away, his eyes filled with fear and tears. He tries to break Harry’s embrace panting heavily. Harry tightens his grip.

“Hey, hey, Louis calm down, it’s me, it’s Harry.”

Louis relaxes a little, taking his surroundings in.

“Har-ry?” he asks, his voice breaks, his throat sore from screaming so much.

“Yes, love it’s me, you’re okay, you’re okay.”

Harry feel Louis go lax in his arms. He sobs quietly in Harry’s shoulder.

Liam and Zayn look with tears in their eyes. They’re already so attached to the cute little sassy guy they met the night before. Understanding that he probably needs space and, apparently he needs Harry too, they go back to their room, worriedly thinking of ways to make Louis feel better in the morning.

When Louis exhausts his tears, he goes back to sleep in Harry’s arms. Harry holds him tight and eventually finds sleep too.

\---

Louis wakes up to the sound of people laughing. He tries to sit up but warm arms are wrapped around him and he freezes. Harry is spooning him and he suddenly remembers his nightmare. His face reddens out of embarrassment. He can’t believe he woke him up screaming in his sleep. He’s so pathetic, Harry will probably kick him out.

While he panics, he feels Harry’s grip tighten and hot breath on his neck. It sends shivers down his spine.

“Morning” Harry’s deep, raspy voice softly greets him. And, just like that, Louis’ insecurities fade a little.

“Morning” Louis replies. He hopes Harry won’t talk about last night. He doesn’t want to explain his nightmare yet.

Harry stretches and yawns loudly beside him. He then proceeds to rub his face and Louis thinks he’s witnessing the cutest morning ritual he’s ever seen.

“You hungry? I think Liam and Zayn are cooking.” A loud crash and a sudden laugh erupts from the kitchen backing up Harry’s statement.

Louis’s stomach is in knots and they already ate so much last night. He isn’t used to eating that much.

“Sure”, he says hesitantly, not wanting to disappoint Harry who smiles and leads him to the kitchen.      

When they enter, Louis freezes. Liam and Zayn are in the middle of a somewhat heated kiss, spatula in hands. It dawns on Louis then why they share a room.

He looks at Harry anxious to see his reaction.

“You two get a room.” Harry rolls his eyes and sits on a stool near the kitchen island.

Louis is flabbergasted. Not only is Harry okay with the fact that he lives with two gay man, he is joking about it like it’s nothing. Seeing as Louis stopped walking, Harry turns.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“I-you-they-You’re-you… you don’t mind?” Louis stutters.

“What don’t I mind Louis?” Harry’s brows furrow, concerned.

“I mean… Liam and Zayn. You don’t mind?” Louis whispers, he doesn’t want them to hear him, but he has to ask.

Harry seems to catch on. His brows shoot up in understanding.

“Louis, no I certainly don’t mind. Like I told you in the hospital Lou, being gay is nothing to feel ashamed of. They love each other, that’s all that matters to me. Besides it would be hypocritical for me to have a problem with it.”

“Why is that?” Louis is confused while he sits on the stool beside Harry.

“I’m gay myself.” Harry says, shrugging, like it’s not a big deal. Louis can’t believe how nonchalant he is about all of this. He’s still battling his father’s voice telling him he’s disgusting and deserves everything he gets. He can’t help, but think about his dream. Well, it was more like a horribly vivid flashback than a dream.

Harry sees Louis’ inner battle in the crease between his brows. He seems deep in thought and Harry lets him ponder. He needs to realize the truth on his own.

Louis is till quiet and deep in thought when a plate of eggs and bacon makes its way in front of him.

He quietly thanks Liam who put it there for him and grabs a fork. He really isn’t hungry and tosses his food around instead of eating it.

When Harry, Liam and Zayn are done eating, he still hasn’t touched his plate.

“Aren’t you hungry Lou?” Harry is concerned. Last night, Louis seemed like a completely different person, devouring tacos and joking around, laughing and smiling. This morning he looks tired, sad and deeply pondering his worries. Harry knows it’s probably due to his nightmare, but he doesn’t want to push him.

“Not really, sorry.” He says looking apologetically at Liam and Zayn. They’ve so kindly prepared the meal for him and he can’t even eat it. He knows he’s being impolite and wasteful, but his stomach is in knots and he worries he might throw up anything he puts in his mouth. And that would be even more rude to Liam and Zayn’ cooking.

“Don’t worry about it Lou, you can eat later when you feel more like it yeah?” Liam says, he takes away Louis’ plate and smiles brightly at it him to let him know he’s not in trouble.

Sensing Louis’ uneasiness, Harry changes the subject, hoping to lighten the mood.

“So, what are you guys up to on this fine Sunday?” he asks Liam and Zayn.

Liam sighs, “I have to emit the first chapter of my thesis by next week, so I really need to work on that today.”

And Louis now understands what Liam was doing drowning in papers when he first met him.

Harry turns to Louis to explain further.

“Liam is a PhD student. He’s researching anthropology stuff, it’s boring, don’t let him talk to you about it unless you need help to fall asleep.” He winks at him, and his smirks shows a little dimple. Louis melts and smiles back.

“Hey! I’m not boring!”

Zayn wraps an arm around his waist reassuringly,

“No, you’re certainly not boring, love.” Liam smiles.

“Just your research” He adds with a peck on Liam’s temple.

Liam shoves him away playfully and they all laugh.

“And, Zayn what are _you_ doing today?” Louis asks, seeing as he didn’t answer Harry’s question yet. Harry is happy to see him take part in the conversation. They successfully took him out of his dark thoughts.

“I’m probably going to paint all day.”

“As usual” Liam and harry say in unison.

Louis smiles. He loves seeing them interact, he feels safe and warm here and he wants to savor every moment.

“Can I join you for a bit?” Louis asks Zayn. He hopes he isn’t annoying or pushy and Zayn won’t feel like he needs to babysit him, but he remembers Zayn offering the night before and he really wants to paint.

“Of course! If it’s ok with Harry. I don’t know if you had plans today?” He turns to Harry questioningly.

“Actually, it’s perfect, I need to make phone calls and take care of a few things for Louis’ case. It will probably be boring, Louis will have more fun hanging out with you.”

Harry doesn’t want Louis to be there when he calls his lawyer to see how his father’s arrest is going. He wants to shield him from the trial for as long as possible.

He’s surprised that Zayn is inviting Louis into his studio so eagerly. He’s lived with Zayn for 4 years now and he’s never been allowed to step foot into it. He thinks even Liam has rarely been in Zayn’s studio. He must really like Louis. Whatever the reason, Harry is really grateful that his friend is making an exception for the boy seeing as he’s genuinely smiling at the idea of painting with Zayn.

They clean the table up and go about their day. Once he knows Louis is safely taken under Zayn’s wing, Harry isolates himself in his bedroom. He calls his lawyer first.


	6. As night falls, a quelea crawls

Reluctantly, Harry makes his way to Zayn’s studio. He would have liked to let Louis enjoy himself longer and he knows he’s going to make his day considerably worse, but he can’t wait any longer. Louis has to go to the police station and give a statement as soon as possible.

He finally found a lawyer willing to go against Troy Tomlinson; a fierce woman named Barbara. She hasn’t had a lot of cases, but the few she’s had, she’s won and she seems to have a very strong sense of justice. She took Louis’ case with eagerness and assurance and Harry was so glad to have found her. Well Niall was the one who found her to be exact. Harry suspects them to have a thing together, he’s going to have to grill Niall on that later.

She had just told him on the phone that she couldn’t do anything more until Louis gave a statement. The photos had helped her put Troy in jail without bail until the trial, but to prepare for the trial, she needed a lot more information. She needed Louis to officially prosecute his father. And Harry had to explain this to Louis.

As he approaches Zayn’s studio, he hears Louis’ laughter and his heart breaks knowing he’s probably going to darken the mood significantly. He looks through the crack of the door Zayn has a cigarette stuck between his lips and is looking over Louis’ shoulder, he seems to be commenting what Louis just painted and Louis is listening intently, nodding his head. Harry looks at the boy’s canvas and he’s struck by its raw beauty. In the middle of the canvas, there’s the face of someone screaming with tears in their eyes. The face seems to be surrounded by darkness, and one side of his face is completely hidden by shadow. His style is darker and bolder than Zayn’s style and it’s not finished yet, but Harry is impressed by it nonetheless. He can’t wait to see it done.

“Wow Lou, you’re good! Brilliant even!”

“Isn’t he? I can’t believe it, I think I could actually get some of his work exposed in my art gallery…” Zayn thinks out loud.

Louis blushes at the praise.

“I’m really not that good. Besides you helped quite a lot” He says honestly. He thinks Zayn just pities him and is trying to make him feel better. He’s annoyed that he’d think Louis is so weak that he needs to be reassured and babied this way.

“I just helped you with the technique since it’s your first time using oil paint, but honestly Lou, you’re brilliant.”

“But I don’t-“

“Learn to take a complement love” Harry cuts him off softly, ruffling his hair.

“Now, Harry if you just came in to lurk, I’m going to politely ask you to leave.” Zayn really doesn’t like people to come into his studio.

“Actually, Louis, can I talk to you for a bit?”

“Sure”, Louis puts down his paint brush and heads outside the studio. Harry leads him to his room, which he enters for the first time.

Harry’s room is big and a little messy. There is a king-sized bed on the right side of the room and a big window right in front of the door. Right in front of a window is a desk buried in papers and other random desk stuff. He can see a painting clearly made by Zayn on the walls, but the thing that strikes Louis the most are the different items of decoration scattered around the room and on the walls; they clearly come from different locations around the world and Louis wants to know every story behind each of them. It’s like he is discovering a whole new side to Harry he didn’t know before.

“I didn’t know you liked to travel.” Louis states.

Harry suddenly feels shy, he feels vulnerable letting Louis into his room where so much of himself is scattered around just for Louis to read into.

“Yeah, I travel as much as I can. It’s amazing learning about other cultures and meeting new people this way.”

Louis then sees a map of the world on which different locations have been pinned. The red pins take up so much space and Louis is fascinated. He’s never been outside the country and he wishes he could travel like Harry does. _Maybe one day_ , he thinks. And he doesn’t remember the last time he let himself think of a future like that.

He lets his fingers brush over the pins, “Wow, it must be amazing to have seen all those places.” Louis says in wonder.

“Yes, it is.” And Harry wants to show the world to Louis, he wants to show him everything he’s seen and he wants to share with him everything he’ll see in the future. They do have to put his father in jail forever first, so.

“Now Louis, take a seat, I have to talk to you about something.”

Harry looks serious all of a sudden and it makes Louis nervous. _Here it comes_ , Louis thinks, _Reality. The dream was nice while it lasted_.

Louis and Harry sit on the couch near Harry’s bed.

“So, Louis. Hum…” Harry doesn’t know where to start, how to break it to Louis.

Louis is increasingly nervous. He thinks Harry has had enough already. Surely, the nightmare was too much to handle, maybe he can’t help him anymore and has to send him back to his father. His panicking internally, but tries not to show it. He’s not going to make this harder than it has to be for Harry. After all, he’s been kind to him from the beginning. He really did his best.

“It’s okay Harry I understand. You have to send me back. I’m too much.” Louis wills his voice not to crack, but his eyes fill with tears. He manages not to cry though.

“No! Louis, no! That’s not it at all. You’re staying here for as long as possible, you have my word on that.”

Louis is taken aback, he was so sure Harry wanted him gone. He sighs in relief. He has a little more time in this beautiful dream then.

“Then, what is it Harry? Just come out and say it.”

“Ok, yeah. I’ve talked to my-well our-lawyer and you need to go to the station with us to put a statement in.”

“A statement?” Louis what that entails exactly.

“Basically, to ensure that your father stays in jail for the longest time possible, we need you to tell the police with as much detail as possible what your father did to you.” Harry looks apologetic and worried.

Louis slowly nods, letting it sink in. He’s going to have to tell strangers about how his father not only beat him up repeatedly, but raped him multiple times and tortured him in every way possible. Even Harry doesn’t know most of what he endured. He’s never told anyone much about what he lived through and he isn’t ready for this. He feels overwhelmed, but he tries not to show it, he wants to be strong in front of Harry. He nods again. He knows Harry is waiting for a reaction, but he feels numb. He doesn’t know what to say. He feels himself slip from his own body again. It’s always been his way of shutting down the pain.

Harry is worried, Louis isn’t reacting at all. He’s been staring at the wall silently for almost two minutes now. He suddenly remembers how Louis looked when he met him on the bridge and he dangerously looks close to that person again: distant and deeply numb to the outside world. Harry has to pull Louis back.

He tentatively reaches for his arm, watching if Louis flinches away. He doesn’t.

“Louis, look at me love.” Harry says gently, rubbing his arm and turning Louis’ head towards him with his other hand. Louis is pliant, he looks lost.

Harry searches for his familiar electric blue eyes.

“Louis, come back to me. I promise you, everything will be ok.”

Louis sees the same gentle green eyes he saw on the bridge. Their warmth and kindness pulls his mind in his body again. His eyes well up and he is so tired of crying already, but he can’t help it. He has to tell strangers and Harry how he was raped and beaten, he can’t do this.

Harry is glad that Louis is back to reality, even if he hurts. Dissociating can be really dangerous and make people take erratic actions and he doesn’t want that for Louis, not one bit. He’s glad he can make him come back and he just wants to get this trial over with so he can take care of this beautiful boy properly. Seeing the waterworks coming, Harry wraps Louis in his arms.

“I’m not rea-dy Har-ry, I can’t-“, Louis hiccups into Harry’s shoulder.

“You’re strong Lou. I haven’t known you for long, but if there’s one thing I know about you already is that you’re the strongest person I know. I’ve never seen someone so resilient before. It’s not going to be easy but you’ve got me by your side along the whole journey to happiness. I promise you that.” Harry kisses the top of Louis’ head, rocking him and reassuring him.

“No pin-ky prom-mise though- ri-ight?” Louis jokes, proving how Harry is right about his power of resilience.

Harry smiles, “No pinky promise.”

\---

When they arrive at the station, Barbara is there to greet them. Harry introduces her to Louis and they’re lead to an interrogation room to Harry’s dismay. He hoped it would have been in an office; less intimidating for the already scared shitless boy subtly grabbing his shirt by his side.

Once they’re seated, an officer by the name of Charles Dixon makes his way in and settles the camera perched next to the table.

“Interview for the trial of Troy Tomlinson. State your name, your age and today’s date and time please.” The officer asks, emotionless.

Louis is fidgeting with his fingers on the table. Everything about this place intimidates him: the one-sided mirror facing him, the stern face of the officer looking intently at him, the grey walls, the dim light, the metal chairs. Everything is cold and dark and he just wants to melt into the floor and disappear.

“L-Lou” He coughs, willing himself not to panic. He starts again.

“Louis Tomlinson. 16 years old. November 5th 2017, 11 AM.”

“So, Louis, I understand you want to press charges against your father, is that correct?”

Louis looks at Harry who looks at Barbara. She nods and smiles at Louis, encouraging him to answer.

“Yes.”

“Could you tell me why?”

And that’s a loaded question. A question that could take ages to answer. Louis knows he has to detail as much as possible to solidify the case, but his throat feels dry, his palms are sweaty no matter how many times he rubs them on his jeans and he’s already on the verge of tears. He forces himself to take a deep breath.

 _You’re the strongest person I know_ , Harry had told him. Even though he isn’t sure he believes him, he has to try and live up to Harry’s expectations. He steadies his breathing and rests his palms on top of the table. He decides he’s going to focus his eyes on his hands. He’s going to ignore everyone in the room and pretend he is talking to himself. He can do this.

“My father, Troy Tomlinson, has been hitting me, abusing me and…” He hesitates to say it, he closes his eyes. He doesn’t want to hear Harry’s reaction to his next words, he feels so ashamed and he doesn’t understand why. He keeps his eyes closed as he continues.

“And r-raping me repeatedly for the past 3 years.”

He hears Harry gasp beside him. He still can’t open his eyes. He’s going to do the rest of the interview with his eyes closed. He thinks it will be easier that way.

Harry can’t believe what he just heard. He didn’t suspect sexual abuse at all. He had no idea how far it went. If he could he would wrap his arms around the blue-eyed boy, take him home and hold him until he didn’t hurt anymore. He doesn’t want him to have to elaborate, to give details about what he’s been through. Not like this, in a somewhat hostile environment. It angers Harry so much that, even after all he’s been through, this wonderful and amazing boy can’t even have a safe space to talk about it when he’s ready to.

To Harry’s surprise, officer Dixon straightens and squirms in his seat. He clearly didn’t expect the last part of Louis’ statement and his demeanor changes considerably. Harry can see his eyes grow softer and his body inclines a little bit more towards Louis.

“Could you – Can you tell me what he did in more details please?” He’s trying to regain his composure, but Harry sees through it.

Louis’s eyes are still shut, trying to close himself off from the outside world. He takes a deep breath and he begins to retell the last time his father abused him, how he got the bruises that are still very visible on his face; the exact nightmare he had the night before. He hears gasps throughout the whole story and at one point, Harry’s hand makes its way to his knee. The soft pressure reassures Louis and he keeps going. He tells them how his father tortured him with hunger and fear. He tells them how he would usually hit him in places people wouldn’t see, how he would threaten to kill him if he ever told a soul, how he wouldn’t let him out of the house when school was over, how he would lock him in the basement every night, sometimes for days.

“Once he caught me trying to escape and he broke my right leg. I had to come up with a lie about how I had fell during a ski trip with my dad. I never skied in my life.” He says, laughing sadly. “My dad had me recite the lie repeatedly for an hour until he thought I was convincing enough. He would punch me in the stomach when I got a detail wrong, or stumbled over the lie in any way.”

Louis continues talking about the regular rapes his dad would inflict on him. How he would sometimes come down the basement in the middle of the night to force himself on Louis.

He feels like his words are waterfalls and now that they’re out, he can’t stop them from drowning everyone in the room with them. He feels how it affects Harry besides him just by the pressure of his hand on his knee.

After two hours though, Louis feels like he said everything he could think of. His cheeks are wet with silent tears, but the flow of words comes to a stop. He opens his eyes, but keeps them on his hands and waits for someone to break the silence that follows his confessions.

The silence lingers for almost 5 minutes until officer Dixon moves to close the camera and take the tape out.

“I will make a copy of it for you, Barbara, and put the original into evidence.”

“Thank you, officer.”

They speak as quietly as possible feeling like it would be wrong to disturb the atmosphere too much.

Louis finally looks up and his eyes meet Dixon’s. While they were so cold at the beginning of the interview, they now look sad and warm.

He takes his hand out and Louis takes it. The officer wraps his other hand above their handshake, and looks Louis straight in the eye.

“You’re really brave kid. I hope the bastard never sees the light of day again.” And with that he’s out of the interrogation room.

Harry takes Louis to the car after they thank Barbara. They’re mostly silent, exchanging a few words.

The car ride to Harry’s apartment is silent, both of them seem to need quiet right now. Harry looks to Louis. He’s worried he’s going to dissociate again, but, even though he is closed off and silent, his eyes still sparkle with life.

Louis strangely feels better. It was hard to say most of the things he did in the police station, but he feels liberated with the weight of a secret he held for so long. He also liked Barbara a lot and even officer Dixon. He feels like he can trust them to use his confession wisely and finally put an end to what has been his personal nightmare for the last 3 years. He also trusts Harry and feels safe with him. He suddenly has a wave of gratitude towards him as they park in front of his apartment. Without Harry, he would either be dead in a river or back to his abusing father.

He looks at him while he takes the keys out of the ignition.

“Harry?”

Green meets blue and Louis wishes he could find the words to tell him how grateful he is.

“Yes Lou?” Harry is looking at him worriedly and Louis doesn’t want him to worry, because he’s never felt ok like this in years. He smiles a little to show Harry he is fine and he takes Harry’s hand in his own, squeezing gently.

“I’m ok” _Because of you_ , he wants to say, but he can’t force the words out hoping that his eyes can tell him instead.

“I’m glad” Harry says with the same subtle smile Louis has.

Against all odds, Louis feels hopeful.


	7. So abondant are we, left alone I shall be

When they get in the apartment Zayn isn’t there and Liam is typing vigorously on his laptop, papers surrounding him as per usual it would seem.

They learn that Liam is still in a rush to finish his first chapter and Zayn is in his art gallery organizing his next show.

“I’ll cook something. You haven’t eaten all day.” Louis feels his stomach in knots and he really doesn’t think he can eat after everything that happened at the station. Harry seems so happy to cook though, he can’t tell him how he might throw up everything, so he doesn’t say anything.

Harry makes spaghetti and it smells delicious, but Louis’ stomach turns at the simple mention of food.

When Harry put his plate in front of him, he takes his fork and forces himself to take a bite. He chews for what seems like hours and when he finally swallows he feels it come right back up. He runs to the bathroom and empties his stomach in the toilet. He’s immediately scared of Harry’s reaction. He might think he doesn’t like his food, that he’s too difficult, ungrateful even. He hates himself for being so weak.

Harry understands though, after hearing Louis’ story at the police station, he knows his father tortured him with food, or rather the lack thereof. He knows it will be hard for Louis to start eating regular amounts of food again.

He rubs circles on Louis’ back while he empties his stomach.

“I’m so sorry, Harry.” Louis whispers once he’s done. “Don’t be mad please” He’s so scared of Harry’s reaction, he can’t look him in the eye and he’s shaking.

“Hey, Lou, it’s all right. It’s normal. You aren’t accustomed to so much food. You have to get used to it slowly ok? Don’t worry about it, love.”

Louis’ reassured a little and relaxes. He’s ribs are sore and his jaw still aches. He’s suddenly very tired.

“Do you want to listen to a movie instead? If you get hungry, tell me and you can eat then. You have to get used to eating meals again, so we’ll do it gradually.”

Louis sighs, but nods.

They go into the living room and Harry puts on the first episode of _sense 8_ on Netflix since Louis said he’d never seen it before and it’s one of Harry’s favorite tv shows. Louis is quickly absorbed by the story. Harry is quickly absorbed by Louis. The way he reacts to everything, his face so expressive, he’s like an open book. Since Louis is so captivated he can look at him often and the latter doesn’t seem to notice at all.

They watch one episode, then another and another and by the fourth episode, Louis is lying on Harry’s chest on the couch, a blanket wrapped around them. His ribs are still sore, but he finds his position on top of Harry to be one of the most comfortable he’s had since his injuries. He’s slowly dosing off and he’s fast asleep, when Zayn enters the apartment with a very loud Niall.

Harry recognizes his friend’s voice instantly and he perks up. His coworker/friend has easily made its way into his life, befriending Liam and Zayn and showing up at his flat most of the time unannounced. He loves when he’s around; he’s always so optimistic and full of life.

When they enter the living room though, he places a finger on top of his lips, telling them to be quiet, since Louis seems to have fallen asleep on his chest. He can’t lie about the way it sends butterflies to his stomach seeing Louis trusting him this way and having his body pressed against him so warm and cuddly. They fit together like two pieces of the same puzzle.

“Hey Harry” Niall whispers, “Is that Louis?”

“Yeah” Harry says as quietly as possible.

 “He’s so cute”, Niall coos.

“Yeah, he’s an amazing kid. You should see his painting, it’s crazy. It’s so raw and authentic, I really want him to build a collection so I can expose him at the gallery.” Harry has rarely seen Zayn so excited about someone. He’s seen him gush over Liam, but apart from that, he’s always had a hard shell to crack.

Niall sits on the sofa next to the couch while Zayn takes a seat on the floor in front of it.

“Slow down, Zayn. Don’t push him, he needs time to adjust and heal from everything that’s happened to him.” Harry warns him, though he agrees with Zayn on Louis’ incredible talent and how he should do something with it… eventually.

Zayn sighs. “Yeah, I know.”

“How is he doing though? Apart from the art thing. Eating? Sleeping?”

Harry sighs. Niall has had a lot of experience with abused kids too. He might actually be able to help him out.

“He’s not used to eating much, he hasn’t eaten anything all day and he threw up what I cooked earlier. He has nightmares or flashbacks and he dissociates.”

Niall flinches. “Pretty bad huh?”

He looks at the sleeping figure with empathy.

It’s then that Louis starts to stir, a whine escapes him and his breathing picks up.

Harry ribs his back and kisses the top of his head.

“Shh, you’re okay love, you’re safe.”

The reassurance seems to work and Harry continues to whisper words of support and encouragement until the crease between Louis’ brows smooths out and his breathing becomes regular again.

Niall and Zayn look at the scene in awe at how easily Harry took care of the frightened boy. They can see how infatuated Harry is and they smile at each other knowingly.

\---

Harry had a call back from Louis’ school principal. He begrudgingly extracted himself from underneath the sleeping boy and is now talking in hush tones about when Louis has got to go back to his classes.

Harry finds out that Louis’ grades are falling behind and although the principal understands Louis’ situation he tells him that if he doesn’t get back to it and manage to improve his grades, he’ll have to do over the whole year. Harry tells him he’s going to talk to Louis about it. He hadn’t planned for Louis to go back to school until after the holidays, but he has to let him take the decision for himself.

Just as he thanks the principal and say his goodbye, he hears a shout in the living room where he left Zayn and Niall to watch over Louis.

“No! Please no!” Louis is screaming again. Harry runs and sees a very agitated Louis on the couch, Zayn is trying to comfort him, but as soon as he makes a move to touch him, Louis panics again.

“Please! Dad, please! No!” Louis is sobbing uncontrollably, his eyes are opened, but he’s so out of it he doesn’t register where he is and who Zayn is. He’s having a flashback.

Harry approaches the scene slowly. Sadly, he knows they can’t do much, but to wait it out and talk to Louis to bring him back to reality. They can’t touch him though, it could trigger him further.

“Zayn step away from him, he thinks you’re his father.” Harry tells him calmly.

“He had a bad dream, he was panicking in his sleep and we tried to wake him, but we must have triggered a flashback.” Niall explains to Harry.

Louis is now bundled in a ball, trying to make himself as small as possible on the very end of the couch. He has his hands over his ears and his eyes are shut. His breathing is irregular and he keeps chanting a combination of “please” an “no”. It’s heart breaking to watch.

He sees Zayn with unshed tears in his eyes and Niall with a worried look on his face.

He goes to sit in front of Louis and searches for his eyes.

“Louis, look at me love.”

“Please don’t hurt me, please”

“I will not hurt you Louis I swear, I would never hurt you, bud.”

The chanting has stopped, but Louis is still breathing heavily and his eyes are shut.

“Open your eyes for me, love, look at me.”

He does, and his feared filled blues meet his warm greens and Harry sees a flash of recognition in Louis’ eyes.

“Harry?” He seems to come back to his senses and looks around.

Louis suddenly realizes he is sitting on a couch rather than a mattress on the floor, the walls are bright and the sun shines through the windows. The walls from his father’s basement disappear and he finally realizes it was only a dream, a nightmare.

“Yes, it’s me, bud, it’s Harry.”

Louis launches himself on him, ignoring his aching side.

“Harry” He sighs, relieved.

Harry holds him tight.

“You scared us kid.” Zayn says, still shaken up by the distress he’s seen. Niall puts his hand on Zayn’s shoulder, remembering the first time he saw an abused kid have a flashback. He’s never seen someone bring back a kid with only their eyes though. He thinks Harry and Louis have a connection he can’t even begin to understand.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened, I’m so sorry.” Louis mumbles in Harry’s neck.

“Hey, no need to apologize love. You had a flashback, it happens, it’s okay.”

\---

Niall is a miniature sun, Louis thinks. He brightens and lightens the room effortlessly. He even made Liam get out of his trance-like state and leave his research for a bit to come hang out in the living room with everyone.

“Honestly, if we left him alone, he would starve to death, his dead body would be found still typing on that damn computer.” Zayn had joked.

Liam hadn’t even denied it, he had simply kissed Zayn sweetly. Louis had anxiously looked at Niall to see his reaction, but there was no trace of disgust or disdain he only seemed fond of the couple. The blue-eyed boy was still wrapping his head around the fact that some people aren’t bothered by homosexuality.

They were now all splayed around the living room, beers in hand (except for Louis of course) and playing FIFA. Louis had declined the offer to play. He’s never played videogames before and he doesn’t want to embarrass himself in front of those amazing people when he is still wondering how they even tolerate his presence in the first place.

He changes his mind slowly seeing as the only one that really has any skills at FIFA seems to be Niall, Harry is the worse player by far and Liam and Zayn just keep distracting each other by kissing during the games. So, Louis finally decides to step in and Harry gives him his remote.

He surprises everyone including himself when he beats Niall after his third game.

“Shit Louis, you’re one hell of a fast learner!” Niall gushes.

“Beginner’s luck I guess.” Louis humbly replies, although he feels pretty good about his win.

“Man, I’m starving let’s order pizza!” Niall practically shouts.

Everyone agrees cheerfully. Harry looks at Louis worriedly, but doesn’t say anything. He hopes the boy manages to eat a little seeing as he didn’t eat at all today.

When Liam takes out his phone to order a ridiculous amount of food if you ask Louis, he suddenly thinks of his own phone still sitting in the basement of his father’s house. He thinks of David, one of his “friends” at school and how he must wonder what happened to him.

Louis is a player in the football team, so he technically has a lot of “friends”, but to him they aren’t really that. His father never let him out of the house except for school and practices (he thought it would help him look straighter if he played sports), so Louis never goes to any after school activity with any of his friends. They probably think Louis is just reserved and focused on his school work and his football play. There is also the fact that he has to lie constantly to hide what is going on at home and it is exhausting. So, his “friends” are really just people he hangs out with at school.

But David is a little different. Louis thinks he’s been suspecting something is going on with his father for a while. He never really buys into Louis’ lies and he always looks worried about Louis.

One day he had pressed Louis about going out so much, saying he really wanted him to come and hang out and how it wouldn’t be the same without him, Louis had tried to escape his father’s house. He had been caught and roughly beaten and raped, he had to miss school and lie and Louis had never tried to do that again.

Now that his life has changed so drastically in such a short period of time, Louis sees a possibility of bonding more with David, having an actual friend. He wishes he had his phone to text him. He wonders then when he is supposed to go back to school too. He honestly doesn’t want to go back to class, but he really wants to go back to football. It helps him get out his frustrations when everything gets too much and he feels like it could be good to go back to it.

He realizes he’s been deep in thought when there’s a knock on the door and a very excited Niall shouts, “Pizza!!!” and runs straight to the door. That effectively gets him out of his reverie.

Harry is looking at him worriedly. “You ok bud?” He couldn’t help but notice Louis staring intently at the wall for almost 5 minutes now. He wants to give him space, but he feels so protective, it’s hard not to notice every little thing Louis does.

Zayn and Liam disappeared in their room, Niall is paying for the pizza and apparently chatting up the girl that’s delivering it, so they’re alone in the living room.

“Yeah, I’m ok.”

Harry nods, sensing Louis wants to say something else. He waits.

“I was wondering-“, Louis bites his bottom lip.

“You can ask me anything Louis.” Harry reassures.

“I-hum. My phone is still at my father’s house and drawings and stuff… I was wondering if I could ever go back and get it?”

“Oh yeah, I thought you’d want to get some of your things back. I already arranged for us to go tomorrow. Sorry, I forgot to tell you. Officer Dixon and Barbara are going to come with us just to be safe. Is that all right?” Harry curses himself for not telling Louis earlier. With every that’s happened today it had flown out of his head.

“Yeah it’s fine! Thank you” Louis can’t believe Harry already thought about it and organized it. The idea of going back to the basement, even to gather his things and leave also makes him extremely nervous. He fidgets with his hands and Harry covers them with his reassuringly.

“It’s going to be just fine. We’ll go straight in, get your things and then straight out.”

Louis nods. Still, when he thinks of his father’s house he now imagines it all dark and grey and cold, like a stormy cloud. He only realizes now that he is out of there, how much he never wants to go back, how much he never could live through another minute there. He can’t help the knots in his stomach.

And, of course, that’s when Niall comes back with two large pizzas grinning like a child.

Louis sighs. He’s never going to be able to eat now.


	8. But a waited phone never rings

To say Harry is worried is an understatement. Louis hasn’t eaten in 24 hours. He’s in pain, but tries to hide it; Harry sees him wince every time he sits or gets up though. He’s yet to have sleep without nightmares.

And now they’re standing in front of Troy’s house with Barbara and Dixon, waiting for Louis to stop shaking and tell them they’re ready to go.

Harry wants to turn around and just buy Louis whatever he needs, but Louis insisted.

He turns to Louis’ shaking figure,

“Lou, bud, you don’t have to do this. If you want, you can wait by the car and we’ll go get your stuff. What do you say?”

Louis is already shaking his head.

“No, I can do this Harry.”

“I know you can do it Lou, I’m just saying you don’t have to.”

Harry can see Louis is considering it, but in the end, he just steps forward, takes his keys out, and pushes the front door open.

The house is enormous and luxurious, but also very cold, like everything is almost too clean, too much in order, it’s not lived in. Louis is walking quickly and keeping his eyes right in front of him. Just being there he feels like he can’t breathe normally. He has an irrational fear of getting hit again. It’s like a muscle memory at this point, walking through the door mean fear of getting hurt. Even though his father is in jail and he is with people he trusts.

He goes straight to the basement door and he’s aware of Harry, Barbara and Dixon following his steps closely down to what felt like his cell for 3 years.

Harry gasps, Barbara takes a step back and Dixon gowns when they all see where Troy made his son live for so long, where he would lock him up at night. They try to school their feature, and help Louis gather his things so they can be out of there as quickly as possible.

Harry smiles when Louis lifts up is mattress (if you can call it that, it’s so thin and dirty, it doesn’t look like much) and he takes out papers and pens. Some of the papers are blank, but on others, he recognizes drawings that only Louis could have traced. He recognizes the boldness, the innocence and the rawness he saw in his painting the day before.

His clothes are evidently second hand, dirty and too big for Louis and Harry insists that he leaves it all there. He has a perfectly neat and beautiful wardrobe at Harry’s. After little arguing, Louis agrees.

Turns out everything Louis owns fits into one small bag. They turn around and go back the way they arrived, relieved everything went smoothly.

When they get out the front door however, a man, appearing to be in his forties, walking his dog approaches Louis. All three of them gather around him closer.

“Hey Louis!”

Louis doesn’t seem to recognize the man and something about him doesn’t sit well with Harry. Maybe it’s his clothes thrown together to appear casual, but they’re clearly designer clothes, or the way his Chihuahua dog doesn’t fit with the man’s strong demeanor. Or the way his eyes are calculating and roaming over Louis’ body.

“Hi?” Louis says, uncertain

“You don’t recognize me, do you?” The man says, with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.

“I don’t I’m sorry.” Uncomfortable, Louis makes to circle the man to get to the car, but the man doesn’t let him.

“I’m Eric, your neighbor. The last time I saw you, you were really small.” He’s still smiling.

“Oh, hi Eric, nice to meet you.” Louis says politely, trying to get out of the situation as fast as possible.

Eric though, seems inclined to chat a little.

“I heard something happened to your father, is he in trouble? Haven’t seen him in a while.”

“He’s fine.” Louis doesn’t want to elaborate, he just wants to get to the car.

“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?” Louis is shocked at the man’s forwardness. He acts like he knows Louis so well when the latter isn’t even sure they’ve ever met.

Hesitantly, Louis introduces Harry, Barbara and Dixon and they all shake hands with the creepy neighbor.

Harry senses how uncomfortable Louis is and ends the conversation abruptly.

“Well, it was nice to meet you, but you’ll excuse us, we have to go.”

He doesn’t wait for a reply and just pushes Louis gently to the car. They hop in and Dixon drives off quickly. When Louis turns to look through the back window of the car, he can see the man waving, a shiver runs down his spine and he scoots closer to Harry beside him.

\---

Louis decides he wants to go back to school as soon as possible and Harry is learning how stubborn the kid can be.

“At least, wait for your injuries to heal” Harry says, they’ve been arguing for the past 15 minutes over their dinner and Louis won’t give in. He’s also just tossing food around and not eating much. He wants to play football again, but Harry won’t let him play with two still broken ribs. Even though his black eye subsided, the bruises on his face are still very visible and he knows by the way Louis flinches sometimes that he is still in pain even though he tries to hide it.

Louis though is used to playing through the pain, he’s used to lying about his injuries.

The truth is, he doesn’t want to go back to classes, he always had the hardest time focusing on the school work and his teacher’s lectures and his grades are close to failing, but he knows Harry is taking days off work to be with him and he doesn’t want to become a burden. Or well, more of a burden than he already knows he is.

 

The thing is, Louis heard him talk with Liam and Zayn trying to fit their schedule so that someone is always with Louis. He hates being babied like that and making people go out of their way just to help him. He still doesn’t feel like he deserves that much care and attention. He decided then, he would act as enthusiastic as possible about going back to school even though he wishes he could hide in Harry’s apartment for the next ten years. He’s half lying when he says he wants to play football again, so Harry seems to buy it. He’s still hesitant to let him go back.

 

“Ok, I can wait before I go to practice again, but, Harry, I can’t afford missing school that much. My grades aren’t good.” He didn’t want Harry to know how bad he’s doing at school. It’s embarrassing, but he needs to convince him, so they don’t have to babysit him and it’s his last card to play.

 

Harry caves at that. If Louis wants to go back so badly, he can’t refuse him. Truth is, he can’t refuse much to those big innocent blue eyes. He wishes he could keep Louis hidden from the outside world forever where he knows he’ll be safe and protected. He knows it’s unrealistic though and Louis needs to have as much a normal life as possible in order to heal.

 

Harry sighs.

 

“Ok. But there are rules and conditions.”

 

Louis smiles in victory.

 

“First, you need to have your phone on you at all times. If anything happens, if you’re not comfortable, if you change your mind, you call either me, Zayn or Liam.”

 

Louis knows he would hardly feel comfortable enough to disturb them at work, but he nods nonetheless.

 

“If you go anywhere else after school, to a friends’ house or to the park or whatever, you let me know.”

 

Louis has never had permission to go anywhere else then school and straight back home. He can’t imagine having a social life outside of school. It still seems like a distant dream to be able to hang out with friends.

 

He nods.

 

“Finally, you don’t play football until your doctor okays it.”

 

Louis’ shoulder sags a little, but he understands and nods at that too.

 

“Good.” Harry is happy Louis didn’t object to any of his conditions and the boy seems content too since he starts actually bringing food to his mouth and chewing.

 

\---

 

Liam volunteers to take Louis to school since Zayn is not a morning person and Harry being back on call had to head in to work at 5 in the morning. Anyway, he has an interview for a teaching position at the local university, so he doesn’t mind taking Louis at all.

 

They don’t talk much, but Liam can see how nervous Louis is. His knee is bouncing up and down the whole ride through and he bites his thumb until he almost draws blood.

 

Louis doesn’t know if his friends heard about his father getting arrested and he’s nervous they’ll want to talk about it. He’s scared of the rumors that might already be spreading inside the school’s walls.

 

Liam drops him off and wishes him good luck. He tells him one of them will come and pick him up after his classes. He waits for Louis to enter the front doors before he drives off.

 

When Louis walks the corridor to his locker, he hears people whisper and point at him. He knows they’re speculating about what happened to his face and how it’s correlated to whatever they’ve heard already. He ducks his head and tries to make himself invisible. His stomach is in knots and he has no idea how he’s going to get through the day.

 

He retrieves his books for the first period and he’s just about to close the door of his locker when a hand slaps him on the back.

 

“Louis! Hi! I was worried, man, you never answered my texts.” He turns around and sees David smiling at him. Behind him stands the entire football team. They all greet him back as if he was an old friend coming back from a family trip or something. It feels strange since he never had that strong of a connection with them to begin with. They don’t ask him questions about his father even though Louis knows they’re as curious as everyone else in the school. He’s grateful for them and his nerves subside considerably before he gets to his first class.

 

His classes are as hard as he remembers. He’s falling behind so much that he finds himself drift off often, not capable of following what the teacher says anymore. He instead worries about what everybody thinks of him and how his classmates always sneak glances at him and whisper behind his back. _If they think they’re being subtle, they’re gravely mistaken_ , Louis thinks.

 

At lunch, his football team invites him to sit with them, which never happened anymore. They used to, but as his father became more brutal over the years, Louis closed off and they stopped asking him to join them. He sits with them, but it soon gets too much, he hears everyone around whisper about his father and how he’s in jail. Some rumors are absolutely ridiculous, saying his dad was a drug dealer and Louis helped him by selling some on the school grounds. His friends notice how uncomfortable Louis is and David suggests they go eat outside, away from prying eyes. Louis couldn’t be more grateful.

 

While his team mates get in a heated discussion about which girl on the cheerleading squad has the biggest boobs, David turns to him and asks him seriously if he’s okay. He has the same worried look he always had when Louis would come back with visible bruises and lie about his situation at home. Louis realizes his face is still a tell-tale of he’s last beat up from he’s father and David, apart from the terribly misleading rumors, has no idea of his current situation.

 

He doesn’t want to tell everyone about what happened to him, but he finds he trusts David. He sees himself actually becoming friends with him and he wants to tell him.

 

“I’m okay David. I- actually… maybe I can call you tonight?”

 

“Sure, we can also hang out if you want to talk. You can come to mine, I’m sure my parents won’t mind. Or you can just call me, whatever you want.”

 

Louis still has this irrational fear he’s going to get in trouble if he doesn’t go straight back home after school. He remembers Harry’s words though. As long as he gets his permission, he can go.

 

Louis smiles,

 

“Yeah, I just have to – hum – text someone, but that could probably work.”

 

 He doesn’t miss the surprise written all over David’s face. He’s the only one who kept inviting Louis through the years whenever the team hung out or did any kind of activity. All the others had stopped after Louis repeatedly invented excuse after excuse not to go. They grew used to Louis only being there at school, never showing up anywhere else. David though, persisted over the years, even though he knew Louis would never accept his invitations.

 

Now though, David senses something important changed, and he didn’t miss how Louis didn’t tell him who he had to text to get permission. He has a million questions, but refrains from asking them. If Louis wants to tell him he can, but he won’t push him just out of curiosity.

 

David tries to school his features, but his excitement shows through.

 

“Ok! Let me know, then. I’ll give a heads up to my mom.”

 

They continue their lunch chatting and laughing and Louis, for the first time, doesn’t feel so alone surrounded by all these people. He feels like he could fit in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm now also on wattpad, if you prefer reading there: 
> 
> https://www.wattpad.com/story/136097628-are-you-a-pusher-or-are-you-a-puller


	9. golden, golden, golden river run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi kitten saviours! 
> 
> I'm on a roll and I'm just going with it.  
> I probably have too much time on my hands, but i'm uploading chapters faster than I intended to which is good for you who like the story, but probably bad for the direction my life is taking... hahaha...
> 
> Anywayyy, I wanted to warn you that I might slow it down eventually, so enjoy it while it lasts.
> 
> Again, thank you for reading, for saving the kittens and for being your awesome selves,
> 
> xx

Harry’s morning started out great, but went downhill pretty fast. Granted he was woken up at 5 in the morning for an emergency call. But it had been a good morning nonetheless A young woman had called her mother saying she would end her life. They had to retrace her and Harry got to her just in time before she slit her wrists. He had talked to her and convinced her to go to the hospital with her mother. Once there, they were taken care of and Harry had done his job.

 

He was back at his office doing paperwork and feeling very proud of his success when Dixon called him with worrying news. Being a man of few words, he had gone straight to the point.

 

“Harry, I did a background check on that Eric guy we saw the other day. Had a bad feeling about him, you know? He doesn’t exist.” He had said in lieu of a greeting.

 

“What do you mean he doesn’t exist? All four of us saw him.” Harry was confused.

 

“I don’t know who we saw, but Louis never had and doesn’t have a neighbor called Eric. In fact, there are no Erics in any close vicinity of Troy’s house.” Dixon seemed emotionless, but Harry sensed a strong panic settle in his chest. _What the actual fuck? Who was that guy? I knew he seemed weird._ Harry ran his hand threw his hair multiple times trying rationalize.

 

“Well shit. Who is he, then?”

 

“I don’t know for sure yet. I had a sketch artist draw him and we’re running it through every database we have. I think maybe he was hired by Troy… but I have no idea what for. All he got was our first names, so I’m not sure how worrisome it is for now. Anyway, I’ll keep you posted, but make sure Louis doesn’t get near that house again and keep an eye out for the creep.”

 

He had thanked Dixon and went back to work as best he could, but his mind kept going back to blue eyes, heart breaking drawings, a gentle, slightly uncertain laugh and surprising sassy remarks. Louis had already engraved himself into his head and he worried endlessly about the boy.

 

Unfortunately, that information didn’t mark the lowest point of his morning. The lowest point was just 15 minutes ago when Barbara had called. Unsurprisingly, she sounded way more alarmed than Dixon and she didn’t bother greeting him either.

 

“Harry –“

 

Harry could hear commotion on the other line, Barbara was giving sharp orders to people and shuffling papers.

 

“Harry, shit. There’s a situation over here. Troy’s lawyer _(I don’t fucking know how he fucking did that)_ , but he- “She yelled something to someone before continuing,

 

“He fucking got bail! He got the judge to overrule her own decision. The bail was salty, but nothing troy couldn’t handle.”

 

“What?” Harry stood up in his office, he felt his heart beat a million times a minute, and his breathing picked up. “Please, don’t tell me Troy Tomlinson is out.” Harry begged hopelessly.

 

Barbara’s silence was enough to confirm Harry’s nightmare.

 

“Fuck, Barb’ – How? – Why – What?” Harry groaned in frustration and brushed his hair with his hand nervously for the hundredth time.

 

“I know Harry. I don’t understand how he did it. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he managed to bribe or blackmail the judge. I’m trying to fix this, but… he’s out. He’s out until the trial, Harry.”

 

She sounded defeated and Harry couldn’t have that. She had to fix the situation and fast.

 

“Well, okay. Fix it then. If anyone can do this it’s you Barb’. You’re fierce and you’re a brilliant lawyer. You’ve never lost a case and you’re the only one brave enough in this damn city to go against Troy. Don’t make me regret trusting you.”

 

Her determination seemed to have gone back up when she answered.

 

“You’re right, I will fix it. I promise Harry. For Louis.”

 

They hung up.

 

Harry is now pacing the floor looking at the text Louis just sent him.

 

_Hey! A friend asked me to come hang out at his place after school, is that okay with you?_

Louis had told him how his father used to forbid him of going anywhere else but school, obligated school related activities and what he calls, The Basement. Harry wants him to experience a normal teenage life and he’s actually delighted that he’s ready to see friends after school so fast. Before his terrible morning filled with worrying news, he would have agreed easily.

 

But now. Now he can’t stand Louis being out of his sight even when he’s at school. With that Eric incident, he doesn’t trust anyone to be near Louis alone. And with Troy being out, he doesn’t want him to wonder anywhere either. Troy Tomlinson has connections and he could get to Louis so easily, trying to convince him not to testify at his trial. After what Troy had just pulled, Harry is certain he’s ready to do anything to get himself out of this trial. He’s already proved he doesn’t care about hurting his own son just for the pleasure of it, who knows what he could do to stop him from testifying. Harry shudders.

 

He’s trying to come up with a reply, he doesn’t want Louis to worry either. He’s had to go through so much already.

 

He’s still pacing the floor and messing up his hair, when Niall comes into his glass office.

 

“Hey Haz, you taking a walk in your office or something? You’ve been pacing for 10 minutes straight.”

 

Harry stops abruptly, he wasn’t aware of the looks his coworkers are giving him through the glass window of his office.

 

“Wanna talk about it?” Niall asks, looking worried.

 

He rubs his hands on his face, sighs and slumps on his chair pointing to the seat in front of his desk for Niall to sit in.

 

“It’s just such a mess Niall. I’ve never had a case that hard before and I’ve never cared about someone that much before and now I’m just so worried and he just texted me about this friend he wants to hang out with and I don’t know what to reply. I don’t want him to worry, but I don’t want to break the trust we’ve already built and- “

 

Harry is getting worked up and talking so fast Niall can’t understand a word he’s saying. He feels he lacks some context too so he cuts Harry off.

 

“Harry, hey, whoa, slow down mate.”

 

Harry slumps even further on his chair and sighs. He takes his head in one hand, realizing how worked up he got and he tries to calm himself down.

 

“Sorry Nialler, I’m just-I- ” Harry sighs again.

 

Niall has never seen Harry lose his cool like that. He’s normally so composed even in extreme situations. One time, he saw him get on top of a 24-story building, on the ledge of a window to talk to a guy that was threatening to jump into a very busy street. Harry never seemed to break a sweat, always in control and poised. He managed to convince the guy to go back into the building in record time.

 

Niall realizes that when it comes to Louis, Harry loses his shit as fast as a bear repeatedly pocked by a stick.

 

“Okay just take a deep breath and tell me from the beginning, yeah? Then maybe we can sort it out.”

 

So, Harry does, he retells the news he had from Dixon and then from Barbara. Niall tries to stay composed for he’s friend, but he can’t help but let a few curses slip.

 

“Okay. Well. - Okay.” Niall is at a loss for words, he needs to comfort Harry somehow, but he too is worried about Louis.

 

Silence settles in as Niall is trying to come up with something positive. He know he’s pulling at straws when he finally says,

 

“Barb’s told me yesterday though that you’re officially Louis’ legal guardian. So that’s good news, yeah?”

 

Even though it’s a very weak and obvious try at making Harry feel better, Harry smiles a little, his eyes still sad and worried.

 

“Yeah, paperwork came through faster than usual.”

 

Comfortable silence settles in for a minute.

 

“She really is a good lawyer, you know? She’ll fix this.” Niall eventually says.

 

Harry snorts. Niall has been praising Barbara none stop since he introduced her to him. Harry isn’t clueless, he knows what’s going on.

 

“She is, but you’re biased so I wouldn’t take your word for it.” He is smiling knowingly and Niall now is worries for completely different reasons than a second ago.

 

“What do you mean?” he says, eyes narrowing suspiciously. _How can Harry know? Barbara wouldn’t tell him, would she?_ , he thinks.

 

“It’s obvious Nialler! You to have a thing, I don’t know what you’re calling it, but I strongly suspect you two are sleeping together.”

 

Niall fish mouths, eyebrows raise to his hairline.

 

“Wha-? How – How did you know?” He whispers, worried his coworkers are going to hear even through the glass doors of Harry’s office.

 

“Well, yesterday, she told you I’m officially Louis’ guardian, so you two had the time to chat. It sounds like pillow talk even.  And you can’t shut up about her. You’re also the one who introduced me to this ‘great lawyer I met, she’s really amazing, I’m sure she would take the case’.” He imitates Niall exaggeratedly.

 

Niall seems sheepish, he blushes and rubs a hand on the back of his neck, looking down.

 

“I – well… I – “

 

“Just admit it Niall.”

 

Niall sighs and sags on his seat.

 

“Yeah ok. We’re sleeping together. But just – we haven’t had the talk yet so… don’t talk about it when she’s around okay? It would make it weird.”

 

“Sure thing.”

 

Harry feels himself relax a little. Joking around with Niall effectively made his head clearer and he now sees a simple solution to the problem of Louis’ text.

 

Harry smiles at his friend who never fails to brighten his darkest thoughts.

 

“Thanks Niall”

 

Niall smiles knowingly. He understands Harry’s nerves came down a notch. He gets up, pats Harry’s shoulder briefly and leaves him to tackle the situation at hand.

 

Harry replies to Louis.

 

_Hey Lou. No problem with the hanging out part, but do you think you two could come back at the flat instead? Zayn and Liam wanted to cook and have a meal with everyone. Your friend can join._

 

The reply came instantly.

 

_Sure! David’s actually excited to eat something his mother didn’t make. Apparently, she’s a terrible cook. Haha_

Harry sighs in relief. That was easier than he thought.

 

He realizes though that he needs to call Liam and Zayn. Let them know about his lie. He isn’t proud of it, but he feels like it’s for the better. He doesn’t want to worry Louis pointlessly. He’s already doing so much better, there’s no need to trigger a setback.

 

\---

 

Harry picks Louis and David up from school himself. He probably will drive Louis everywhere he needs to go until the situation with his father is resolved. He’s too worried to let him out of his sight for too long.

 

David seems like a nice enough guy and he seems to really care about Louis: He actually opens the car door for him and he greets Harry politely when he gets in himself. Harry doesn’t know how much Louis has told him about he’s situation so he only introduces himself as Harry and David doesn’t ask further questions.

 

Louis really seems to like David as well. They talk about some teacher’s injustice way of grading papers the whole ride and Louis is, sometimes, genuinely smiling with crinkles next to his eyes. It takes Harry’s breath away and his stomach twists knowing he isn’t the one to putting it there. He feels stupid getting jealous of Louis’ friend. He chastises himself. He should feel happy for him, having a support system will certainly help Louis get through all that’s happened to him.

 

But as he observes them interact, Harry can’t shake the feeling that he should be the one to make Louis laugh, he should be the one to have his undivided attention, he should be the one casually touching his arm in the re-telling of a story. And Harry stops at that. David is clearly flirting with him. In the short 15 minutes car ride to the apartment, David must have touched Louis’ arm 20 times now. David is also leaning towards Louis, straining the seat belt during the whole ride too, as if he can’t get close enough.

 

Harry has to restrain himself from dropping the fucker off right then and there.

 

_He’s good for Louis. He’s good for Louis. He’s good for Louis. He’s good for Louis._

He repeats the mantra in his head, focusing on the road and gripping the wheel tightly until they park in front of Harry’s.

 

Louis, on the other end is delighted to have an actual friend with or at least the beginning of a friendship. He’s delighted that Harry seems to approve of him and he’s delighted that David seems to enjoy himself already. He doesn’t remember the last time he felt so at ease and actually worth something to someone.

 

Even though he likes them a lot and he thinks they like him too, Harry, Liam, Zayn, Niall, Barbara and even Dixon, are in Louis’ life ultimately because it’s either their job or because they didn’t have a choice in the first place. With David, it’s different. He’s the one who initiated the hang out. He came to Louis on his own accord, honestly asking him how he is doing and honestly wanting to know the answer.

 

When they come through the door, Liam and Zayn are kissing over the oven pans and Niall is sipping a beer over the counter island. Harry is jealous, but tries to hide it, Louis is oblivious to David’s flirting and is delighted by a possible friendship and David thinks he’s got game.

 

Harry thinks it’s going to be one hell of a night.

 

He isn’t wrong.


	10. To the east than drop beneath the sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still on a roll...
> 
> Thanks for your feedback and kudos, I appreciate it immensely. Also, to the loyal, silent readers: I see you too and I love you just as much ;) 
> 
> I forgot to last time, but better late than sorry: Thank you to you, anxious human who gave me feedback, I didn't make your comment public like you asked, but I deeply appreciate you and i'm glad you're enjoying it.
> 
> Love you all, keep saving the kittens.  
> xx

“Dinner is amazing, thanks for having me.” David says, filling is fork with another mouthful of pasta and smiling dopily.

 

“Yeah, it’s really good.” Louis agrees. He’s in such a good mood tonight that he surprises himself eating much more than he would have normally been able to stomach. His portion is still considerably smaller than everybody else’s, but he figures it’s a good step forward nonetheless.

 

When they entered the flat with Liam and Zayn kissing, Louis was worried about David’s reaction, but, again, he’s surprised at how cool everybody is with homosexuality. He’s beginning to think that his father is the only one who has a real problem with it. It’s a relieve at the same time as it is a hassle: he’s been thinking for so long that he wasn’t worth anything, that he was disgusting for thinking of other men this way. Now he has to learn to accept himself and ignore his father’s voice constantly degrading him in his head. It’s exhausting.

 

“So, Zayn you’re an artist, Liam a PhD student and Harry and Niall you’re social workers?” David says, after asking questions about everyone’s profession. They all nod. He still doesn’t understand how they all fit together with Louis.

 

“How… how are you related to Harry?” He asks hesitantly trying to figure out if someone around the table is his brother or uncle maybe. He notices everyone look at Louis, as if only him could decide to answer the question or not. David feels like it might have been indiscrete to ask.

 

“Hum. Harry is – well, they – I – “

 

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to… sorry.” David back tracks seeing how uncomfortable he made Louis.

 

“No, it’s ok. I knew you’d ask eventually and I trust you.  Harry is my legal guardian, Zayn and Liam are his roommates and Niall is his coworker. I’m living there while my father is in jail.”

 

At that Harry squirms on his seat, knowing Troy isn’t in jail anymore and knowing he’s lying to Louis by omission right now. David tries to hide his surprise at Louis’ forwardness. He didn’t expect the rumors to be true, but then again it makes sense. He always suspected Louis’ situation at home wasn’t normal and he always worried when he came at school with bruises and vague explanations for how he got them. He always thought it was a shame to see such a fit guy hurt and closed off like that. From the moment he saw Louis, David wanted to roam this body full of curves and he tried to get Louis to come to their get togethers, but he always said no. He even began to think he just wasn’t interested, but now he sees it wasn’t that at all.

 

“I’m sorry Lou.” David says, not knowing what else to say. Louis hates the pity look he gives him and he hates the silence that follows.  

 

He drastically changes the subject.

 

“I talked to coach Sam today, he said he’d be happy to welcome me back when I’m ready.” He says to Harry, a forced smile on his face. He doesn’t want to talk about his father any longer and everyone seems to get that.

 

“Of course, he did. You’re the best player we got, he wouldn’t give your place to anyone else.” David says, smiling genuinely at him. Louis smiles back innocently.

 

Harry doesn’t miss the hungry look David gives him and he groans internally. David is definitely flirting with Louis and the latter is too innocent to see it. He wants to punch a wall and show David the door, but he refrains, grabbing his glass of water tightly instead.

 

“I’m not that good” Louis rolls his eyes.

 

“You are.” He looks at everyone else around the table. “Once he has the ball, you can be sure it gets in the net. He’s crazy good! Actually, you could probably help me practice a bit at mine sometime if you want. I probably could use it.” He says to Louis.

 

Louis is radiating from joy; David wants to hang out more, he couldn’t be happier.

 

Harry is fuming on the other side of the table, shoving pasta in his mouth in an attempt to swallow back the scream he wants to let out.

 

“Well, I’m pretty sure you don’t need help. Not mine anyway, but sure we can play footie at yours whenever.” Louis says brightly. Harry wants to be the only source of that blinding smile. And he also wants to poke either his eyes out with a fork or David’s. He hasn’t decided yet.

 

His jealousy is probably showing because Niall puts his hand on his knee and pats him gently, trying to reassure him and calm him down at the same time. It doesn’t do much.

 

“Yeah? Tomorrow after school, then?” David says excitedly.

 

“Sure.”

 

Harry freezes. _Shit_. He still can’t let Louis out of his sight, not with his father out of jail and free to do as he pleases. He can’t let Louis go to David’s. He tells himself it’s the only reason he wants to stop Louis from going, even though he knows there’s probably a deeper one.

 

“Louis, I’m sorry love, but you can’t go tomorrow.” Harry says sternly. He tries to think of an excuse, but his mind comes up blank.

 

“Wha-? Why?” Louis is confused. He thought Harry would be happy that he’s going back to a somewhat normal life, hanging out with friends, going back to school. He’s even eating a full meal which he hasn’t done since he’s been there.

 

“Because I said so. End of story Louis. Don’t argue.” Harry knows he should probably take a different approach, but he’s frustrated, jealous, cranky and all out of patience.

 

“What? That’s just – but, Harry?” Harry’s never been so cold and distant and Louis hates it. He doesn’t know what he did wrong and he feels on the verge of tears. He feels so pathetic and weak and in front of David of all people.

 

Harry sighs, and forces himself to take a warmer tone seeing how disrupted Louis is.

 

“We’ll talk about it later all right?”

 

It’s Louis’ turn to feel frustrated and angry. He takes David’s hand and walks off with him in his room. He slams the door behind them and locks it for good measure. He flops on the bed.

 

David slowly sits next to him.

 

“I’m sorry you had to witness that. It’s not usually like this.”

 

“It’s okay, Lou. It happens.” David can’t help, but notice how Louis’ shirt has gone up and how he can see a perfectly smooth sliver of slightly tanned skin. His eyes slide down to his perfectly curved thighs and how they fit so tightly in his jeans. _God Louis has no idea how gorgeous he is_ , he thinks.

 

“Have you been here for long?” David says, trying to keep a conversation, but he’s already sporting a semi just looking at the boy.

 

“No. It hasn’t even been a week yet.”

 

“See? Give it time, you all have to adjust to everything.” David’s hand reaches for Louis’ thigh slowly. Louis doesn’t notice the gesture since he’s still infuriated and confused about how Harry spoke to him earlier. It was so out of character he can’t help but think he must have done something wrong. Maybe Harry realized he couldn’t take care of a pathetic and worthless fag kid like him. Maybe He’s had enough already.

 

Deep in thought, Louis doesn’t notice how David shifts closer and his hand slips higher. David takes Louis’ silence for consent and moves in even closer. With both of his hands on Louis, he leans in for a kiss and that effectively brings Louis back. He jumps in surprise, but doesn’t move fast enough. David’s lips collide with his and David is quick to straddle him and push him gently into the mattress of his bed. Louis panics and pushes David back.

 

“No! David, what are you doing?”

 

David is still leaning on top of him, one hand on his side and the other cupping Louis’ cheek.

 

“Come on Lou, you’ve been teasing me all night.” He kisses Louis again and, this time, he pushes David harder. The latter is stronger though and manages to pin Louis back and traps his hands above his head.

 

“No, get off! David!”

 

“Shh, come on. I’ve been nice enough, I even invited you to eat with us at school.” He kisses Louis’ neck.  “Just relax, I know you want it just as much as I do. Stop fighting it.”

 

Louis suddenly hears his father. _You want it fag, take it, stop fighting it._ As David forces another kiss on Louis’ lips, he feels disoriented. David’s face is replaced by his dad’s and the bed becomes a dirty mattress on the floor. The walls crumble and the window disappears. He’s taken back to The basement and his father is pulling his pants down. He screams and begs him to stop, he doesn’t know who he’s begging anymore. He fights with everything he has. He can’t let his father rape him again, he won’t survive it.

 

Harry has his head in both his hands and Liam, Zayn and Niall try to comfort him when he hears screaming in Louis’ room. His heads snap back up and he runs to the door, forgetting instantly about their recent fight. Every trace of frustration and jealousy gone and replaced by thoughts of worry for Louis’ safety.

 

When he gets to the door and tries to open it, he realizes it’s locked. He hears Louis scream again on the other side. He’s begging someone not to hurt him.

 

“David, what’s going on in there?” He screams and pounds the door while Niall tries to pick the lock with a paperclip. “Damn it looks easier in movies.” He mumbles.

 

When Louis began to panic hysterically, David stumbled off of him quickly. He tries to reassure him and stop him from screaming so much, but every time he approaches, Louis is hit with another wave of hysterics.

 

He hears Harry and the other boys pounding at the door and trying to pick the lock. Not seeing any other options, he unlocks the door for them.

 

“I’ll deal with you later” Harry pushes David aside. “Make sure he doesn’t leave until I talk with him.” He then says to Niall, Zayn and Liam while he rushes to Louis who’s screaming and sobbing, fighting an invisible attacker on the bed.

 

“Louis, love, hey, it’s me it’s Harry.” He tries to touch his arm softly, but he flinches away, too far gone to recognize anyone. Harry then gets on the bed in front of Louis and tries to lock eyes with him without directly touching him.

 

Eventually, blue meets green, and Harry still doesn’t know how it’s worked every time, but Louis instantly recognizes the warmth of his eyes and calms down considerably.

 

“Harry?” Louis says hesitantly, tears still falling down his cheeks. His breathing has calmed down except for a few uncontrollable hiccups. He wraps the shaking boy in his arms tight and rubs circles on his back.

 

“You’re okay, love, you’re safe, you’re okay.” He continues reassuring Louis quietly until he falls asleep, exhausted.

 

He turns around and he hears voices in the living room. David’s voice. Harry tucks Louis under the covers gently and closes the door behind him.

 

 _Time to deal with the little fucker._ Harry enters the living room in long strides and a stern cold face.

 

He takes a chair in the dining room and drags it on the floor slowly until he faces David who’s sat on the couch. Liam, Zayn and Niall get behind Harry, towering over the boy.

He suddenly feels very small and ashamed and he starts defending himself immediately.

 

“Look, I didn’t do anything. I just – I tried to kiss him, I thought, you know and then – “ He gulps when he meets Harry’s cold eyes. He straightens himself up nonetheless. He won’t let them intimidate him when he did nothing wrong. Right?

 

“Then he started to panic. He was hysterical and I couldn’t calm him down. I swear I didn’t do anything! The kid is just crazy! His father must have fucked him up really bad, you know?” At that, he knows he said too much, because Harry isn’t cold anymore, he’s furious.

 

“Get out and leave Louis alone.” His voice is controlled and calm, but his eyes are murderous. David shivers and doesn’t let it be said twice. He bolts to the door and almost knocks himself out trying to open it.

 

Silence floods the flat.

 

“Haz’…” Liam begins.

 

“I know Liam.”

 

Liam continues anyway.

“He might be saying the truth. Louis might have had a very badly timed flashback. David looked like a good and honest kid until then, it’s possible he didn’t have any bad intentions.” Harry knows that, but he has a bad feeling about David. He feels like he didn’t tell the whole truth about what happened in Louis’ room.

 

“I said I know Liam.” Harry snaps.

 

Liam only pats him on the back while Niall and Zayn go to make tea in the kitchen.

 

“I’m sorry Liam, I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

 

“It’s fine Haz’, don’t worry about it.”

 

Harry rubs his hands on his face, trying to compose himself.

 

“It’s just that I don’t trust David, I think he didn’t tell the truth.”

 

“Okay, I understand. We can ask Louis when he wakes up, yeah? See if their stories are the same. For now, we can’t do much more.”

 

Harry sighs. How does he manage to feel so powerless in every aspect of Louis’ life? He can’t do anything about that Eric creep guy, he can’t do anything about his father, he can’t do anything about David. He feels like he’s failing at protecting the poor boy and it just breaks his heart. Sensing Harry’s distress, Liam adds,

 

“Hey, you’re doing everything you can. You’ve done so much for him already and he trusts you so damn much. Besides you need to stay strong for him, Harry. He needs you.”

 

Liam is right, harry needs to get a grip. He’ll stay by Louis’ side no matter what and make sure he’s safe and taken care of, even if that’s all he can do for now.


	11. And as the moon lies low and overhead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter's a little shorter than usual, sorry about that. 
> 
> BUT a very long and angsty one is coming (maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after, it's a pain to edit that one.)
> 
> I love getting your feedback, thank you
> 
> xx

Louis wakes up sweating and panting. It takes him a while to realize he isn’t in The basement anymore. It takes him longer to stop shaking. Horribly vivid images of his father towering over him, of his laughter at Louis’ pathetic attempts to escape his grasp linger at the back of his mind. He tries to lie back down and force his eyes to close, he really does, but every time he shuts his lids he sees his father again. He gets up and looks at the time on his phone. It’s only 2 in the morning. He hesitates between waking Harry up or just watch TV in the living room until he has to go to class.

 

The door to Harry’s room is cracked open and Louis pushes it gently. He decides he’d try not to wake him up, but quietly slip on the bed next to him. He feels safer with Harry close to him. He approaches the bed and Harry is snoring softly, it makes him smile in fondness and he slides beside him silently. Even though all he wants is to crawl in his arms, he refrains himself, he doesn’t want to wake him in the middle of the night. He’s lulled by Harry’s deep regular breaths and when he tentatively closes his eyes again he sees sparkly green and frivolous curls and dimples. His dad’s usual fear inducing features are long gone. He smiles and goes back to sleep.

 

Harry is woken by someone screaming right next to him. He jumps and gets up quickly ready to fight the intruder until he realizes Louis is having a pretty bad nightmare, kicking and screaming. He hadn’t realized, Louis had joined him and he tosses the warm feeling the idea puts in his chest to go back in bed and take Louis in his arms to try and wake him up. Louis is no longer screaming, but sobbing and repeating “please” over and over again. It breaks Harry’s heart.

 

“Louis, bud, wake up. It’s just a bad dream love, wake up.” Harry repeats it like a mantra until he hears Louis’ voice on his shoulder.

 

“Harry?” Harry sighs. It took longer than usual to wake him up. He holds him tighter.

 

“Harry I’m going to be sick.” Louis says. Harry doesn’t miss a beat he picks him up and runs to the bathroom with Louis in his arms just in time for him to empty what little he had in his stomach in the toilet.

 

Harry sighs and rubs Louis’ back until he gets everything out. He thought the meal he had last night was a success and a step forward, but Louis still can’t eat that much and keep it down. He obviously still has very vivid and horrid nightmares too. Harry’s really worried.

 

Louis interprets Harry’s sighs as disappointment in him and he hates it. He wishes he could stop being so pathetic and needy.

 

“I’m sorry” He says. It’s the only thing he can do: apologize. He knows it’s lame and not enough to make up for all the effort Harry has to put in just to make sure he’s okay, but he doesn’t know what else to do.

 

“Hey no, don’t apologize, Lou. It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

 

Louis looks exhausted.

 

“Are you done, love?” harry gently asks and Louis only nods, his eyes already closing.

 

“Come on, let’s get you back to bed.” He picks him up bridal style and lays him on the bed delicately. When he lies down next to him, he takes Louis in his arms and the latter gladly snuggles to his chest. Louis feels safer in those already familiar warm arms and he goes back to sleep. Harry looks at the time and the clock on his night stand shows 3:30. He hopes Louis sleeps uninterrupted at least until morning comes.

 

Harry is half-asleep when he feels Louis stir in his arms, letting little whimpers out in his sleep. He wraps him tighter, kisses his head and rubs his back-whispering words of comfort. After a while, Louis settles again.

 

Louis starts having a nightmare every half-hour or so. Harry is there to comfort him back to lighter dreams and he succeeds in keeping him calm and asleep until sunrise.

 

\---

 

Harry takes the morning off work that day and lets Louis sleep in. He’s making breakfast when a very sleepy looking head makes its way near the counter island, yawning in the cutest way Harry has ever seen someone yawn before.

 

“Morning sleepy head.” Harry coos.

 

Louis rubs his eyes in an attempt to open them a bit more, then he scratches his belly, revealing beautiful, smooth, tanned skin and Harry has to look away before he eats the boy alive. Thankfully the eggs in the pan provides a good distraction.

 

“What time is it?” Louis asks with an adorable raspy morning voice. His gaze is still drowsy and he seems a little lost.

 

“It’s 9 already.”

 

Louis’ eyes open wide at that.

 

“What? Shit! Why didn’t you wake me? I’m so late!”

 

“Hey language!”

 

“Sorry” He says sheepishly. He’s still gathering his backpack and his books though.

 

“Louis, stop it. You’re taking the morning off.” Seeing Louis open his mouth in protest, Harry continues,

 

“No discussion. I’ve alerted your teachers already.”

He ads, in a gentler tone, “So sit and try to eat something for me, all right?”

 

Louis hesitates for a second before giving in and nodding, he sits down on a stool near the counter and watches Harry while he cooks breakfast.

 

“I have an English test this afternoon though.”

 

“I know, that’s why you’re only taking this morning off.”

 

Harry had originally called the principal to tell him Louis would miss the whole day, but he had told him about the English test and how Louis was near a failing grade, so he had caved in and agreed half the day off. If it were up to Harry though, he’d have Louis stay home for at least another week not only for his physical and mental health, but also for safety measures. His father is still out and Barbara had called him this morning warning him that the trial has been pushed another week.

 

While Harry worries over the trial and finishes putting breakfast together, Louis worries about the night before, how pathetic he was and how Harry had to wake up next to his screaming and kicking in the middle of the night. Not only that, but he had also been sick and made Harry pick him to and from the bathroom like a child. He was so humiliated.

 

“I’m sorry for last night Harry. I – it won’t happen again. I promise.”

 

Harry’s head snaps up as he is plating the dishes. He almost drops the eggs to the ground.

 

“What? What can you possibly be sorry for, Louis?” Harry asks, trying to regain his composure.

 

“I – because – last night – I – you had to – you know…?” Louis stutters and trails off.

 

Harry sighs. “Lou, nothing that happened last night was under your control. You’ve had to go through a lot and now you’re dealing with it as best as you can. It’s normal to have nightmares and flashbacks over what your father did to you.”

 

Louis nods. He still feels bad for coming into Harry’s room without his permission and waking him up. He should deal with it alone, Harry is doing more than enough already, but he struggles to voice that out loud.

 

As if Harry could read his mind, he adds, “And you can come into my room anytime if you’re struggling to sleep. It’s really no trouble at all.”

 

Louis nods, half wanting to believe him, half thinking he’s just saying that to make him feel better.

 

Harry sits down beside him and offers him a plate. Even though he was sick during the night, Louis doesn’t feel hungry at all. He plays with his food with a fork while Harry eats.

 

In the silence that settles in, Louis recalls how David kissed him last night. He blushes at how much he feels he over reacted. Now he must think Louis is a freak. He thought he had found a friend in David, but he was naïve not to see what he really wanted. It should’ve been obvious and Louis shouldn’t have pushed him away, he should have wanted it too. He feels so embarrassed and ashamed.

 

Harry notices Louis hasn’t touched his food yet and he seems deep in thought. He wants to know Louis’ side of how it really went down with David, but he also wants him to eat.

 

“Louis, please, try to eat for me okay? At least half of it please?”

 

Louis sighs, but brings his fork to his mouth. Harry rubs his back in reassurance and support.

 

Louis goes through half his eggs and a quarter of a toast before he feels like he might puke if he eats anymore. Harry praises him for his effort and cleans up.

 

They sit on the couch and browse Netflix for something to watch. Louis is cuddled on Harry’s side; a position they’ve taken a habit of taking when they’re both sitting in the living room. Harry has been trying to find the best way to bring up David for over 30 minutes now and he finally decides to just bluntly ask.

 

“So, Louis, can you tell me what happened with David yesterday? What triggered the flashback?”

 

He instantly senses Louis tense up beside him, but tries to remain casual, holding the remote and going through their entertainment options.

 

Louis squirms a little. He doesn’t know what David has told them and he doesn’t want to get in trouble with either David or Harry. If only he would’ve reacted like a normal teenager and just kissed him back, he wouldn’t have created this mess.

 

He can’t help his breathing picking up when he answers.

 

“I – David – I… I over reacted.” He says vaguely. He thinks he might get away with it, but Harry presses.

 

“What did you over react to?”

 

“Hum… just… you know?”

 

“No, I don’t Louis, tell me.” Harry’s stern, but he still keeps a cool demeanor. He’s boiling inside, sensing there’s something wrong.

 

Louis sighs.

 

“He kissed me, but I – I didn’t want to.” He says it like he should’ve wanted to, like it’s bad that he didn’t. He’s looking down sheepishly and picking at a loose strand on his jeans.

 

“Louis it’s all right if you didn’t want to. Maybe you didn’t feel the same way David felt, it happens. Did he insist when you said no?” Harry still seems composed to the unpracticed eye, but someone who knows him like Niall, Liam or Zayn, they would see how infuriated he is just by looking at how tightly his hand is grabbing the remote.

 

“He – hum… I don’t know.” Louis feels so ashamed and at this point he doesn’t know why anymore. Harry makes sense when he says he had the right not to feel the same way, not wanting to kiss David, but it still seems like he over reacted and made a big deal out of nothing.

 

Seeing harry open his mouth to push again, Louis cuts him off.

 

“Please Harry, can we not talk about this? It was nothing I swear, I just over reacted, okay?”

 

Seeing how agitated Louis is becoming, Harry caves in. But he tells himself he’s going to have to bring back the subject. If David forced himself on Louis like he suspects, there needs to be consequences.

 

“Okay, I’ll drop it for now Louis, but you’re going to have to talk about it eventually.”

 

Louis sighs and sinks further into Harry’s side.

 

He looks at the time and he knows he’s going to have to go to school in soon, meaning he’ll have to see David again. He fears what might happen. What if he turns the team against him? What if he just ignores him? Louis would be even lonelier then before when he thought he had finally made friends.


	12. We're lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the trigger warnings, this chapter contains almost all of them. 
> 
> Take care of yourselves,
> 
> xx

Louis is certain he isn’t going to pass his English exam now. He is so distracted he can hardly answer half of the questions before time runs out.

 

When he entered the school this afternoon, he went straight for his locker, trying to avoid David and the football team. He almost succeeded, making it to the corridor that lead to his class, but he was early and he had to wait outside the door for the bell to ring. Of course, David and the team showed up. Christopher, the tall and muscular goal keeper instantly towered over him and Louis backed up quickly until his back hit the wall behind him.

 

“So, we heard your little fag ass tried to make a move on David?” He was smirking, clearly enjoying how Louis was shrinking under him. Louis couldn’t believe it. David apparently told the football team that he was the one who had rejected Louis instead of the other way around.

 

“Answer me you idiot!” He’d said pushing Louis even further into the wall.

 

Louis looked at David. He was avoiding his gaze, looking everywhere, but in Louis’ direction.

 

“I – I didn’t – No… David is – I - “, Louis struggled to answer. He was cut off by Christopher laughing and everyone following suit.

 

“Look little twink, we just wanted to make it clear: don’t you try to pull that shit again with anyone of us, understood? We’re not fags like you, so keep it in your pants.” With that he punched Louis in the stomach hard and Louis lost his breath. His ribs aren’t totally healed yet and he could feel the punch reverberate through his sides.

 

Louis was bent over, trying to catch his breath when Christopher leaned in to whisper in his ear.

 

“From now on, you stay the fuck away from us. You come to practice and you play your part during the games, but that’s it. You don’t talk to us or look at us. If you do, we can make your life a living hell, trust me.”

 

The bell rang and they left.

 

Louis looked at their retreat with hurt in his eyes. He naively thought that David would become his friend, that he would finally be able to bond with his team mates now that his father wasn’t in the picture anymore. He thought wrong and it hurt more than he’d care to admit it.

 

He had to ignore the pain still thriving in his stomach and on his sides though. He sat down at his desk and took the test that the teacher handed to him.

 

He is now putting back his school supplies in his backpack as slowly as he can. He has to find a place to hide until his last period to avoid David.

 

He drags his feet out of the classroom after carefully checking the corridor for any of his team mates’ presence. They made it clear that if they ever cross paths outside of practice, he’s in trouble. He decides to hide outside of school underneath trees nearby until the bell rings for his last class.

 

When he sits down against the trunk of a tree, he receives a text from Harry asking him how the test went. He sighs and doesn’t reply. He suddenly feels exhausted. He feels the weight of the world on his shoulders. He hasn’t slept without having nightmares since before he can even remember and now he’s in constant fear of getting caught by David and the football team, his father is in jail waiting for Louis to testify at his trial and on top of everything, he’s pathetically failing his classes.

 

He hears the bell ring distantly and he quickly dries the tears that had fallen without his permission and makes to get up, but he feels something cold on his temple and he freezes.

 

“Get up. Give me your backpack slowly.” A dangerous, cold and calculating voice commands.

 

Louis obeys and turns to the source of that chilling voice. First, he sees a very real and scary gun pointed directly at his face, but then, he recognizes the creepy neighbor, Eric.

 

“Hi, nice to see you again Louis.”  The creep says with a cold smile on his lips. Louis’ breathing picks up.

 

“Who – what are you doing?”

 

Louis cannot believe this. It’s as if everything that could go wrong in his life goes wrong and he never has control over any of it.

 

“Just follow me without any fuss. You’ll understand.” Eric – _or whatever his name is_ , Louis thinks – points to a van parked not far from there. He points the gun in Louis’ back and pushes him forward.

 

“Walk.” Seeing no other choice, Louis obeys. He senses the weight of his phone in his back pocket and tries to come up with a way to call Harry for help. He can’t take his phone out, but he memorizes the van’s plate numbers. First opportunity he gets, he’s going to call Harry.

 

He gets to the back of the van with insistent pushes from Eric’s gun and everything happens faster than it takes Louis to register it. He’s met with the familiar smirk of his father, he stares in shock, a million thoughts going through his mind at the same time. _How is his father out of jail?_ _What is he going to do?_ but he doesn’t have time to say anything before he feels a bolt of electricity go through his whole body. When he looks down at the source of the pain, he sees his father holding a Taser gun to his stomach and he passes out seconds after.

 

When he wakes up, his lids are too heavy to open. They feel as though they are glued together. He wants to rub them, but when he goes to move his hands he finds that they’re tightly bound over his head. He hears someone speaking distantly and he strains his ears to hear what the voice is saying.

 

“Sometimes he would come into the basement at night, while I was asleep and he’d force himself on me. I tried to say no and I begged him repeatedly to stop, but he would only laugh at me and tell me that I deserved it for being a worthless fag.” Louis recognizes his own voice, he has no doubt that this is the evidence tape he recorded for Troy’s trial. His father shouldn’t have it in his possession and Louis panics.

 

He slowly opens his eyes and he immediately recognizes The basement. He feels tears fill his eyes as he watches himself talk about the details of his father’s abuse on a small TV placed beside the mattress where he is currently bound to. His ankles and his wrists are trapped by tight ropes and no matter how much he fights them, he can’t free himself.

 

Tears fall down his face freely while he imagines what his father will do to him. His voice in the background reminds him of everything he’s already done like a warning of what’s about to happen.

 

He hears the door to the basement open harshly and he jumps. He closes his eyes again in the hopes of convincing his father he’s asleep. He probably isn’t very credible since tears are still falling down his cheeks and his breathing couldn’t be more irregular.

 

The video stops and he feels his father kneel down beside him. He feels what seems like the blade of a knife graze his cheek and his eyes jolt open. He panics when he sees his suspicions confirmed. His father is holding a pocket knife just above his head and he is smirking devilishly.

 

His tone is casual when he speaks, “Louis, Louis, Louis. You know you’ve caused quite a lot of trouble. I had to spend a lot of bribing money and threaten a lot of people just to get out of jail. I won’t even tell you what I had to do to get that tape. And now I see you’re testifying at the trial? Tsk tsk tsk, Louis don’t you know better? What am I to do with you now?” Troy sighs dramatically, but a subtle smile still strains his lips.

 

When Louis tries to speak, to beg him to let him go, the sounds come out muffled and he realizes his father gagged him. _This is bad_ , he thinks. His father usually never gagged him preferring to hear him beg. If he’s gone to the trouble of muffling the sounds he makes it means Troy expects him to scream so much he could alert the neighbors. Louis panics even more and shuts his eyes, trying to distance himself, trying to conjure warm and gentle green eyes to calm him down, but all he sees and feels is his father’s blade still grazing his face.

 

“You know,” Troy continues, ignoring Louis’ evident panic state, “I always hated your eyes. I never told you that, I think.” And Louis thinks his father has gone completely insane. He seems to be talking more to himself than to Louis, like Louis is only a toy for him to play with. Out of all the insults he’s thrown at him in the past, he’s never told him he hated his eyes.

 

“Your mother had the same exact electric blue eyes. God, I loved your mother. She was beautiful. But she had to go and die to give birth to you.” Louis almost chokes on his own saliva. His father always told him she left them when he was young. He never really talked about her. He’s shocked at the revelation, he can’t wrap his head around it.

 

Troy ignores Louis’ surprise. “It was her decision you know? The doctors told us they could only save one of you and I tried to argue. We didn’t need you, I needed her more, but she wouldn’t listen, she said she wanted you to live.”

 

The gentle tone of his father gives no warning when he suddenly presses the blade of the knife harder on Louis’ cheek and drags it dangerously closer to his eyes. Louis’ scream of pain is effectively muffled by the gag.

 

“Shh, it’s impolite to interrupt people when they speak, son. You’ll have your time to scream and beg, but now you listen to me, yeah?”

 

The contrast between his gentle and soft voice and the way the blade is threatening to cut Louis’ jaw next brings shivers of fear down Louis’ spine. He wills himself not to make a sound and ignore the throbbing pain on his cheek. He nods slowly, telling his father he understands.

 

“Good. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I was telling you how you killed your own mother. You know, I was open minded at the beginning. She had died to let you live so surely, you would be worth her sacrifice, right? Well I quickly saw how wrong I was, when you decided to be a pathetic, worthless and disgusting fag. Not only did you kill your own mother Louis, but you decided to become a monstrosity, to spoil what your mother had given you.”

 

The blade cuts through Louis’ jaw and the latter has to bite down on the gag to will himself not to scream at the blinding pain. His father never talked about his mother, he never knew he had killed her when he was just a new born, he never knew she had sacrificed her life to let him live. He finds himself agreeing with his father. She should have let him die, he isn’t worth such a sacrifice. The tears come rushing down freely and he can feel the salt from them mix with the blood pouring out of the cuts on his cheek and jaw.

 

His father continues with the same cold and soft voice. “That’s why I hate your eyes so much. She had the same electric blue eyes. She was beautiful Louis, breathtaking. She’d make head turns when she walked into a room and her eyes – her eyes could make anyone fall in love.”

 

Louis realizes his father is on the verge of tears too. He understands now why his father hates him so much and what’s worse is: he doesn’t blame him. His father’s demeanor changes drastically. He doesn’t look calm and composed anymore. He looks furious.

 

“You stole her eyes and you had no right Louis, I should cut them right out of your skull.” Louis freezes, the blade is dangerously close to his pupil now. One move from his father could blind him. He’s suddenly petrified, he wants to scream and fight, but he can’t move or make a sound in fear of bringing the blade closer.

 

Louis has no idea how long they stay like that, his father holding a knife right above his eye and him holding his breath waiting for the movement that will blind him for life, but it never comes.

 

The hatred that seemed to dictate Troy every move seconds ago fades and he goes back to his usual calm, composed and scary state.

 

His father lowers his blade and rips Louis’ shirt open.

 

“I want to see the fear in your eyes while you beg me to stop fucking you.” He says it so casually, like he hasn’t just pronounced Louis’ sentence.

 

He continues talking while he undresses Louis by ripping through his close harshly with the knife. Louis is shaking he’s so scared.

 

“So, here’s what we’re going to do Louis. Since you couldn’t keep your mouth shut, I have to punish you accordingly. I’m going to fuck you until you bleed, then I’m going to take those stupid eyes out of your face. Then I’m going to slowly kill you with that blade. I’m going to take my time. Maybe do it over two or three days, what do you say?”

 

Louis panics and starts to beg, but his words are incomprehensible and his father couldn’t care less. He smirks at his son’s distress and continues.

 

 “Now the thing is, you’ve made such a mess, I’m going to have to take care of that boyfriend of yours afterwards. Harry Styles is it?”

 

Louis panics at that. He screams and yells and tries to kick his father off of him. He can’t let Troy get his hands on Harry. Harry who only wanted to help him. Harry the kindest soul he’s ever encountered.

 

“Wow, Eric didn’t lie then, you _are_ in love with that stupid frog face.” Troy seems to think it’s hilarious and he snorts while Louis is still begging him not to hurt Harry and sobbing uncontrollably.

 

Louis is now lying naked and his father is getting his belt undone. Louis feels like he’s suffocating, he’s scared for himself, but even more for Harry. He doesn’t want anything to happen to him just because he tried to put together the broken pieces of Louis’ life. It’s not fair that he gets dragged into this.

 

He shuts his eyes and tries to stop screaming as Troy begins to fuck into him, dry and unprepared. The pain is excruciating and he can already feel blood dripping down his thighs. Troy keeps going for what seems like hours and Louis can’t stop screaming. He screams until his throat hurts, he screams until his voice gives out, he screams until nothing comes out anymore and he screams until he passes out.

 

\---

Harry is frantic. He’s waiting for Louis to come out of school to drive him home, but he’s nowhere to be seen and almost all of the students have already left. He tries to call him again, but it goes straight to voicemail.

 

He can’t help but think the worst. What if Troy got his hands on him? What if David tried something again?

 

He calls Dixon, hoping he will be able to help. He tells him he can’t file a missing person’s report yet, since Louis hasn’t been missing for long enough.

 

Harry begs him to trace Louis’ phone. He knows it’s not in Louis’ habit to ignore Harry and it’s not in his habit to venture off either. Something must have happened for him not to answer his texts or pick up the phone.

 

After 10 minutes of arguing, Dixon gives in. He tells him he can get some of his coworkers to help him out and to come join them at the station. Harry’s never driven faster.

 

He knows Louis is in trouble at the way his gut is churning. All he sees are bright blue eyes and crinkled smiles while he tries to keep himself calm. Louis needs him, he needs to keep his cool until he finds him and makes sure he’s safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, angst right? We love to hate it :) 
> 
> Tell me what you think of the story so far, I love to get your feedback,
> 
> xx


	13. If I had a boat, I would sail to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, check the trigger warnings before reading this chapter...
> 
> Sorry for the cliffhanger, but I would never leave you hanging for too long, so here it is! Enjoy,
> 
> xx

When Louis wakes up, his father is gone and the pain is excruciating. He feels like he’s been split in two and he senses new cuts all over his body. He’s aware of the come that’s mixing with blood at his entrance and down his thighs and he’s barely holding himself conscious. He doesn’t know when his father will be back and he panics, remembering what he said about Harry. What if he’s going at Harry’s place right now? He can’t let anything happen to him. He pulls on the ropes on his wrists and, to his surprise, they loosen a little. Not enough for him to get out of them, but enough to get a glimpse of hope. He strains his ears in fear of hearing his father coming down to the basement, but he hears nothing so he continues fighting against the rope with everything he has.

 

He struggles until one of his hands breaks free and the gag muffles the sound of excitement he can’t keep in. He frees his mouth quickly before untying the rope on his other hand and his ankles. He sees his pants on the floor and dashes for them. Relief floods over him when he realizes his phone is still in his back pocket. He takes it out hurriedly, his shaking hands not helping much, but when he hits the home button, nothing happens. The screen stays desperately black and Louis wants to scream, his tears are back and his breathing picks up. He has to get out before his father comes back. He goes straight for the staircase praying his father isn’t home, he tries to be as silent as possible all the while going as fast as he possibly can. He opens the door to the basement slowly and takes a look around, there’s no sign of anyone so he makes a run for the door, but just as his hand wraps around the handle, he hears a car entering the front yard. He freezes.

 

His father is back.

 

He looks around, frantic and sees a wireless phone lying on the table of the living room. He takes it and runs upstairs. He locks himself in the closet of the furthest room he finds. He wants to dial Harry’s number, but he doesn’t know it by heart so he calls the police. He hears footsteps downstairs and he knows he’s father is going to realize Louis escaped the basement very soon. He knows he is bleeding and he probably left a trail all the way to his hiding spot.

 

“999, what’s your emergency?”

 

Louis tries to take control of his sobs so the lady can understand him, “I’m L-L-Louis Tom-Tomlinson, my father is – I need help – get Harry please or no – officer Dixon, he’ll know. He’ll know, please get officer Dixon. Please I hear him downstairs – he’s got a knife – please.” Louis is frantic and panicking and he’s sure the lady can’t understand a thing he’s saying and he hears his father call his name downstairs.

 

“Ok, darling, we have located you and police officers are on their way. Are you hurt?”

 

Louis looks down and he is covered in cuts and bruises. He can see blue traces all over his hips where his father grabbed him while he fucked him dry.

 

“Y-yes” He whispers. He hears his father coming up the stairs all the while screaming his name.

 

Louis is terrified. He puts a hand on his mouth to muffle the sounds of his sobs. He knows all his father has to do is track the blood he left all over the carpet.

 

“Ok, I’m sending an ambulance, Louis. I need you to stay calm. Try to take deep breaths and tell me what’s happening. Where are you in the house?”

 

Louis can’t talk or his father will hear him, he’s too petrified to risk it. He hears the door to the room open. The lady is still talking and he hopes he can’t hear her through the phone’s speakers.

 

“Louis, next time you try to hide try not to leave a trace so obvious.” His father sighs.

 

“Then again, you’ve never been the brightest kid, have you?”

 

Louis backs away from the closet door and his back hits something solid in one of the coat’s pockets. When he turns, he sees it’s a Swiss knife. He takes it with shaking hands and he tries to open the knife, but the trembling is making it extremely difficult. He’s father is approaching the closet slowly. He finally manages to get the knife out.

 

He looks between the cracks of the closet doors. His father has a hand on the handle and he’s about to open it. In a rush of adrenaline, Louis acts quickly, he opens the door before his father has a chance to do it himself, grabs the little knife in his hand and stabs his father in the throat.

 

He freezes in shock at what he just did and he watches as his father brings his hand to his throat trying pointlessly to dislodge the knife, his expression is one of pure shock and he slowly falls to the ground in a pool of blood. Louis can’t move or look away.

 

All he can think of is how he just killed his father. He doesn’t know how long he stands there for, but he vaguely registers sirens outside, then Harry’s familiar voice is screaming his name from downstairs along with others he’s not sure he recognizes them. He thinks maybe Zayn is there and is that Barbara? He can’t know for sure. He tries to let them know he’s here, but when he opens his mouth to speak, nothing comes out. He’s standing naked and covered in blood over his father’s dead body and he can’t move or say anything. He can only wait and hope someone finds them.

 

His father’s eyes are still opened and he still wears that expression of shock and… is that fear? The look on Troy’s face is one he’s never seen before, and as he stares, he becomes strangely fascinated by it. He’s always thought of his father as an indestructible monster, someone who hurts others, but never gets hurt himself.

 

He’s distantly aware of a sudden commotion surrounding him, but he can’t move his eyes from his father’s face. He feels like he’s living in a glass bottle. Everything around him is muffled and chaotic, but, to him, time is frozen, everything stays still.

 

Someone is cupping his face in an attempt to make him look somewhere else. He thinks he recognizes green eyes searching his own, but everything is blurry and he can’t focus clearly.

 

Even though he isn’t looking directly at his dad’s dead figure anymore, he still can see him, he still knows how it felt to stab his throat, how the skin broke underneath the minuscule knife he held in his tiny hands. He still sees the blood pouring out and the fear and shock in his father’s eyes.

 

Someone drapes his shoulder in a weird looking blanket and takes him in their arms, leading him outside. He still hears muffled voices, but he can’t make out what they’re saying. Honestly, he couldn’t care less.

 

The arms that are holding him are warm and he feels safe so he snuggles closer to the person’s chest. He feels vibrations caused by the person speaking and he can hear the regular, but fast thumps of his heart. It lulls him and he decides he’s going to take a nap in those arms and maybe never let go.

 

Harry can’t believe the scene they found Louis in. He was covered in blood from various cuts all over his body and blood was dripping on his thighs, clear indication of what Louis had endured. The most shocking part was how his father was lying lifeless at his feet. Louis was in severe shock and it was impossible to get him back. They put him in a blanket and he had to pick him up to carry him to the ambulance since he was completely unresponsive.

 

The boy has closed his eyes and is grabbing Harry’s shirt as if it were a life line. Harry’s heart breaks at his vulnerability. He wishes he could bring his father back to life to kill him himself and then bring him back again and kill him once more. He feels so much hatred for the monster who caused so much pain to this beautiful, adorable boy. He thinks the bastard had it easy. He didn’t deserve a quick death, he deserved to rot in jail for the rest of his life. At least, now Louis is free from his tormentor and he can hopefully begin to heal properly.

 

Liam, Zayn, Niall, Barbara and Dixon are all here as well as two other officers and two paramedics. Everyone was already at the station, worried sick about Louis when Dixon had a call telling him Louis Tomlinson had called the police and asked for him and Harry. Once they recognized the address for Troy’s house, they drove as fast as they possibly could, burning every red light and every stop sign.

 

When they try to get Louis to lie down on the stretcher, he grips Harry’s shirt tighter and whines. Harry then insists on keeping him in his arms while they get to the hospital. He holds tight and kisses the top of his head, whispering nonsensical words of comfort as much for Louis as for himself. Now that he has him back, he’ll never let go.

 

\---

 

When Louis wakes up, it’s dark outside and he’s snuggled in Harry’s arms, pressed close to his chest on the hospital bed.

 

His mind is blank while he listens to Harry’s heart beats. Than it hits him: _he killed his father_. Troy Tomlinson is dead.

 

He snorts and giggles, surprising himself. Then, without warning, he starts to laugh uncontrollably. He tries to stop, but it’s as if all the tension he’s felt during the past 3 years, all the fear and stress his father has caused during years of abuse suddenly escapes him and he can’t stop laughing.

 

Harry wakes up thinking Louis is having a bad dream and crying, but he quickly realizes the boy is laughing so hard he looks like he’s crying.

 

“Louis?”

 

Louis tries to stop laughing, he knows it’s probably very inappropriate after everything that’s happened and the sound is too loud for the dark gloomy hospital room they’re in, but his mind has no control over his body and the laughs only get louder and tears fall on his cheeks.

 

It almost becomes painful. He can feel his sides protesting and he can’t breathe properly. Suddenly he isn’t sure if the irrepressible hiccups come from laughing or crying and he wishes he could take control again.

 

He has no doubt now that he is fully crying and sobbing and he knows he must look absolutely insane, but Harry holds him through it and whispers words that are too distant for Louis to understand. The comfort gets through him eventually. His sobs calm down, he can slowly breathe again and he falls back asleep instantly, exhausted.

 

“I got you.” Harry whispers in the dark and kisses Louis’ head gently.

 

\---

 

When morning comes, Harry wakes before Louis. He gently gets up from under Louis’ exhausted figure. He pulls back the cover on the boy and kisses his forehead, before going to look for Dr. Philips. When he finds him, he’s told that Louis is well enough to go home. He’s given pain medication and Louis is to rest for at least a week before he can go back to school. Harry calls his boss to tell her he’s taking at least the next week off and maybe longer. As usual she’s very understanding and tells Harry to take the time he needs.

 

When he gets back to Louis’ room, he’s rubbing his eyes and yawning in the most adorable way.

 

He makes to get up and winces. Harry’s at his side instantly.

 

“Hey, take it easy, love. You’re going to be sore for a while. What do you need?”

 

“Bathroom” He says, embarrassed that he needs help to walk the 10 steps to get there.

 

When he gets to the door, he refuses Harry’s help and closes the door behind him. He doesn’t want Harry to see him like this and he manages to do his business alone, although it takes him longer than usual. Harry is there to help him back to his bed when he gets out.

 

“When can I go home?” Louis asks. He has no desire to stay in the gloomy grey room for more time than necessary. He wants to go back to Harry’s apartment and curl on the couch in Harry’s arms where he feels the safest.

 

To Louis’ relief Harry tells him they can go when he’s ready. He gets up again at that and Harry laughs at Louis’ eagerness. He also moves too fast and winces at the pain on his sides.

 

“Calm down bud, you’ll hurt yourself.” Harry says fondly.

 

“Sorry, it’s just…” He sighs, “I can’t wait to get back home.” Louis says innocently, holding on to Harry’s arms for stability.

 

Harry’s heart melts. Louis referring to Harry’s apartment as his home makes him feel warm and butterflies erupt in his stomach.

 

“Then, let’s go home Louis.” He says smiling warmly at the boy who smiles back.


	14. hold you in my arms, ask you to be true

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey my favourite kitten saviours!
> 
> I'm so sorry for the delay on this one. My sister came to visit me: it's her fault! 
> 
> But here it is, and I'm going back to updating every day or so, promise!
> 
> xx

When they get out of the hospital, they’re met with flashing lights and microphones shoves in their faces. Cameras are pointing at them and questions are thrown their way.

 

“Louis, is it true you killed your father?”

 

“Did Troy Tomlinson hit you?”

 

“Why did you kill your father, Louis?”

 

“Is it true he raped you?”

 

Louis freezes, they’re blocking the way and the questions bring back fresh memories of his father’s dead body. The chaos surrounding them is making him jittery. He’s blinded by the flashes of cameras and intimidated by the reporters who are shoving microphones in his face.

 

“I –I – I” Louis stutters, but is cut by Harry.

 

“No comments, come on Lou, let’s go.” He envelops Louis’ shoulders with his right arm and puts his left hand in front of him to protect him from the cameras and the reporters. They go straight ahead and Louis lets himself be led by Harry.

 

Liam and Zayn are waiting for them in a car parked just in front of the hospital doors and they get in hastily. Harry doesn’t let go of Louis once they’re in, and he’s so grateful for the warmth and comfort, he leans into him further.

 

“Fucking reporters, they have no fucking respect I swear to god-“ Zayn mumbles while starting the car and driving away from the crowd of hungry journalists.

 

Sensing Louis tense up in the back seat at Zayn’s anger, Liam cuts him short.

 

“Zayn, calm down, will you?” Liam knows he’s the only one who can actually calm Zayn down just by asking. If Harry would have asked him, he would’ve begin to rent even more frantically.

 

“Sorry.” He simply says, but the tension in his jaw is still present, even after Liam gently brushes it with his fingers.

 

The car ride is silent, they all feel like Louis needs peace and quiet.

 

However, peace and quiet is not at all what awaits them once they park in front of their apartment. An even bigger crowd of journalists awaits them. As soon as they spot the car, they gather around it like a horde of hungry lions. It makes Harry sick to his stomach and Louis’ eyes widen in fear. He grips Harry’s shirt and looks at him pleadingly. He doesn’t want to leave the car, to be surrounded by so much noise and frenzy. More than anything else, he doesn’t want to hear their questions and accusations about his father’s death.

 

Harry’s heart breaks for the boy.

 

“We have to get out love, just stay close to me and ignore them, block them out, ok? Liam, Zayn, can you break a path for us?”

 

They do exactly that, Zayn being a little more aggressive than Liam, but they succeed in making Louis a path. The latter is clutching to Harry’s shirt and burying his face in Harry’s neck. The noise is a drastic contrast to what they had in the car moments before. Harry can feel Louis trembling under his arms and once they finally get in the apartment, they all sigh in relief.

 

Zayn starts renting immediately.

 

“Bastards, all of them, I tell you! Don’t they fucking get what Lou’s been through? For Christ’s sake give the boy some privacy. Is it to fucking much to ask!? Honestly!”

 

Zayn is talking loudly and while he takes off his jacket and puts his keys away with big gestures as if to get his point across, but Liam and Harry can see how Louis is cowering away and looking at Zayn with fear. By the end of Zayn’s rent, Louis is shaking and buried even further into Harry’s side, gripping his shirt and breathing heavily.

 

“Zayn! Don’t you see you’re scaring Louis?” Liam doesn’t wait for his boyfriend’s answer; he grabs his arms, pulling him away, into their room.

 

Harry gently guides Louis to the living room where he knows the boy likes to cuddle, hoping to calm him down a little. They snuggle in their usual position; Harry enveloping Louis in his arms, pressing him to his chest. He wraps a blanket around both of them.

 

They stay silent for a while, Harry knows Louis needs time to settle the panic caused by both the media frenzy he just was the target of and from Zayn’s sudden outburst.

 

Liam is probably scolding him in their room and explaining him how Louis will be jumpy for the next few days.

 

Harry thinks they’ll have to be careful not to raise their voices around Louis.

 

A few minutes of silence later, they hear Zayn coming into the living room, looking sheepish.

 

He sits down on the sofa next to the couch.

 

“Lou, bud, I’m so sorry for earlier. I wasn’t mad at you, I promise I would never hurt you. I just felt protective, it wasn’t directed at you.”

He sees how bad Zayn feels by the frown on his forehead and his pleading eyes, begging to be forgiven.

 

Louis feels silly for making a big deal out of nothing. Deep down, he knows Zayn’s intentions aren’t bad at all. He hates himself for being so nervous and tensed since he got out of the hospital. It’s as if every loud noise could be a potential threat and he has the urge to run away from it. He hates it and now he hates that Zayn feels bad simply for raising his voice when it wasn’t even directed at Louis, but defending him instead. He feels so dumb and childish.

 

“I know you wouldn’t hurt me Zayn. I over reacted, I’m so sorry.”

 

“Hey, none of that, you shouldn’t apologize, you have the right to be nervous right now, Lou.” Harry says, squeezing him tighter.

 

“Either way I forgive you Zayn.” Louis just wants the look of worry on Zayn’s face to go away.

 

He thinks about how he’s going to have to go back to school and face David and Christopher and the rest of the team again. He wants to cry. If he thought he could handle it before, in his current state he’ll never get through another encounter with them. He thinks of telling Harry about it, but he worries enough as it is. Anyway, maybe he doesn’t have to go to school so soon. Maybe he’s got a bit more time.

 

\---

 

It turns out he does. He gets a week before he has to go back. Harry has taken as much time off work as possible, but he still has to go on calls as first respondent, so he sometimes has to leave hastily.  Louis suspects Liam of working home a lot more than usual. When he first came into the apartment, he used to work from a café near his university or work at the university itself during the week, but Louis sees he has set up a work space in the living room and he’s a lot more present. Even Niall comes to hang out a lot more often and Zayn doesn’t seem to go into his art gallery as much as he usually would.

 

Louis isn’t stupid, he knows they arrange their schedule just so that someone is always with him. One day, Harry had to go into work, but neither Zayn, Liam or Niall were there, so he asked Dixon to come hang out with Louis. He thinks it was the most awkward afternoon he’s ever had so far. Even though Dixon is great and nice enough, he’s certainly a man of few words and he doesn’t show emotion easily. Louis had to give up on having any kind of conversation with him and they settled for watching a move, awkwardly sitting on the couch. He was relieved when Zayn showed up and suggested they go paint in the studio.

 

He wishes Harry wouldn’t go into all this trouble and wouldn’t baby Louis so much. Even though he’s been through a lot, he can take care of himself. It still warms his heart that he cares so much about him, even though he doesn’t understand where it’s coming from.

 

Louis is also a lot more often in Zayn’s studio, either painting aside him or painting by himself. He finds it helps him cope a lot. He can let out any feeling of anger or anxiousness that surfaces randomly. Sometimes he’d just be sitting on his bed, read a book when he’d think about his father or a moment when he abused him and he’d either feel like punching a wall or crying for hours. He’d get in the studio quickly and effectively get it out of him.

 

He’s been painting for a few hours already when Harry’s head appears in the crack of the door. He’s still uncomfortable just walking in the studio. Apparently, Zayn is very particular about the people that can come in or not and Harry usually isn’t allowed in. When Louis found out about how he doesn’t like other people in his studio, he felt so bad for inviting himself in and apologized frantically to Zayn. But the latter shut him up quickly, telling him that Louis was welcome anytime, even when he wasn’t there already. Louis was hesitant at first, but he became comfortable fast, and he slowly adopted the space himself. Zayn even cleared a corner for him to put his finished work in.

 

“You can come in Harry. Zayn isn’t here.” Louis says with a smile. He loves when Harry comes see his work. He felt self-conscious at first but realized Harry is clearly biased and complements anything he does. He knows he only says Louis’ good just to make him feel better, but he’ll take what he gets and it still warms his heart. For the last few days, Louis grew even more attached to Harry if it was even possible. He found himself fantasizing about kissing him or touching him in ways that could never be considered platonic. He knows that Harry only sees him as a kid he has to take care of and nothing of that sort would ever happen. He still can’t help how butterflies erupt in his stomach when he’s close, when he cuddles him or when he tosses his hair out of is face gently.

 

He smiles at Harry as he makes his way into the studio.

 

“Hey Lou, sorry to bother you. Dinner is ready.”

 

Louis’ smile falters at that. It’s still hard for him to eat full meals without throwing up. It makes him hesitant to eat, since he hates being sick. Harry and the other boys know and try to encourage him as much as they can when he does eat. He hates being treated like a child and he grew to dread dinners with everyone.

 

“I’m not hungry, Harry, can I finish my painting instead?”

 

Harry sighs, Louis has barely eaten anything all day. It’s been 4 days since the incident with his father and he hasn’t talked about it yet. Everybody tiptoes around the subject and if anyone brings it up, Louis changes the topic immediately. It worries Harry and even though his paintings are absolutely stunning, they’re also very dark and concerning. They always represent someone in pain or in obscure landscapes. They sometimes send chills down Harry’s spine. It breaks his heart to see how much Louis hurts and how little he can do to help.

 

He also has to get Louis to the dining table since Barbara is there to talk to them.

 

“Louis, please, you haven’t eaten anything all day. You have to get something in your system babe.”

 

Louis sighs, puts his paint brush down and follows Harry to the dining room, dragging his feet. When he sits at the table, he’s surprised to see Barbara is there too. Zayn and Liam are sitting on the opposite side and Harry sits right next to him, as usual.

 

“Hi Lou.” Barbara says with a warm smile. Louis returns it and nods. His stomach is in knots and he already feels bile forming in his throat just by looking at the food in front of him. Everybody digs in and he tosses broccoli around with his fork.

 

They begin to talk about Liam’s new contract as a professor which he begins next January and about Zayn’s upcoming exhibition. It’s actually a part that Louis would like, if he weren’t obligated to eat during meals, he would really enjoy knowing about where everyone’s life is at, how their day went, but the plate in front of him takes too much place in his mind and he eventually tunes everyone out.

 

He’s still tossing the chicken and broccoli around when Barbara turns to him.

 

“So, Louis, you’re probably curious to know why I’m here. I actually wanted to talk to you.”

 

Louis’ head snaps up. He didn’t expect that and he fears what Barbara could want to talk about.

 

“I hate to put you through this again, but the police need a statement about what happened with your father and you have to prepare for a possible trial.” Barbara says it as gently and compassionately as she can, but her words still feel like a punch in the gut to Louis.

 

Louis’ eyes widen. He didn’t think he would have to be in front of a judge and tell them how he killed his own father. He still has nightmares about that day, about how Troy threatened to cut his eyes out, how he threatened to kill Harry. He’s almost moved permanently in Harry’s room since he always ends up curled up into his arms at night to keep his dad from hurting him again, even after his death. He feels bad for putting Harry through this, but it’s the only way he can sleep uninterrupted for more than 2 hours.

 

Louis shakes his head. If he hadn’t eaten anything until now, there was no way he could swallow food now.

 

“I can’t do it.”

 

Only mentioning his father makes Louis panic, he feels his breathing pick up and he can’t seem to calm down.

 

Harry tenses beside him. He knew Louis wouldn’t react well and Barbara hasn’t even gotten through everything she had to say. She was supposed but to tell Louis how Harry can’t be his legal guardian anymore. He wanted to tell him while Barbara was there to explain everything, but seeing Louis’ panicked state, he knows he can’t throw something else on top of the news he already received.

 

Big blue eyes, filled with unshed tears turn to him and Harry wants to tell him he doesn’t have to do anything he isn’t comfortable with, but he can’t do that. He can’t protect Louis from what’s to come even though he wishes he could take all the pain away for him. He would gladly take the nightmares himself if it would make Louis sleep through the night for once. He would gladly do the statement for him. But he can’t do any of that. All he can do is envelop Louis in a hug and tell him everything’s going to be ok. That’s what he does.

 

Everyone is silent while Harry tries to calm Louis down. He doesn’t He’s on the verge of a panic attack when Harry takes him in his arms and brings him in the living room. He cuddles him to his chest. Louis is shaking. He’s terrified and he can’t breathe.

 

“Louis, love, follow my breathing.”

 

Harry takes deep breaths and sees that Louis is trying to imitate him.

 

It takes a long time, but, slowly, Louis’ erratic breathing becomes regular again and he calms down considerably, sagging in Harry’s arms.

 

“Harry, don’t make me do this please. I don’t want to go in the interrogation room again.” Louis pleads, his voice muffled in Harry’s neck.

 

Harry only holds him tighter and kisses the top of his head.

 

“I know.” He says, knowing he can’t get him out of it. He also knows he’s going to have to tell him he’s no longer his legal guardian.


	15. Now I'm pointed north, hoping for the shore

They’re watching a movie, snuggled on the couch and 20 minutes into it, Louis doesn’t even know what they’re watching anymore. He’s too distracted by Harry’s warmth underneath him. He loves how perfectly they fit together and he thinks he would never grow tired of having Harry’s protective arms around him. Barbara had been able to give him two days before he has to give a statement and Louis decided he’d try to avoid thinking of the dreaded day as much as he could. Strong with that mentality the day had been good so far. Zayn had shown him his art gallery and he was amazed at how beautiful it was, and really posh too. He had very well-dressed people coming and going regularly.

 

Louis had even witnessed him make a sell and he was stunned at the cost the client and Zayn agreed on.

 

After gushing over the piece, using words Louis couldn’t fully grasp, the client had asked how much it was and Zayn had answered,

 

“375, but someone has already ordered this one, so I’m not sure – “

 

Louis thought Zayn was asking for 375 pounds flat, but he quickly understood how wrong he was when the client cut him off,

 

“I’ll give you half a million for it and I’ll pay immediately.”

 

Louis’ eyes had widened and he gaped dumbly at the insane amount of money the woman was offering.

 

Zayn simply smiled and shook her hand. She, indeed, paid him right there and then and walked with the painting carefully wrapped under her arm. Zayn had only riffled Louis’ hair fondly at the boy’s surprised expression and went on to another client who was looking at one of his oil paintings.

 

Spending the morning with Zayn watching him work effectively kept his mind off of things and he was happy to be welcomed back to the flat by Harry who simply snuggled with him on the couch, putting a movie on.

 

All in all, it’s a good day, Louis decides.

 

He’s slowly drifting to sleep when he lets out a hiccup, he blushes out of embarrassment at the impromptu sound and he hopes Harry didn’t hear it. He looks up to see Harry smirking at him.

 

“Do you have the hiccups babe?” Harry lets the term of endearment slip. It’s just that the little sound Louis just made was the cutest thing he’s ever heard and it weirdly makes him want to cover Louis’ face with a million kisses.

 

“N-*hic*-No” Louis says as he blushes an even darker shade of red.

 

Harry smiles fondly. You’re cute when you blush.

 

*Hic*

 

“And when you hiccup” harry laughs.

 

 “It’s an-hic-noying” Louis groans hiding his face in Harry’s chest to hide how red is face must be.

 

Harry picks Louis’ chin up and moves the boy so they’re face to face.

 

“Don’t be embarrassed Love. You’re honestly the cutest person I’ve ever seen.” Harry says genuinely.

 

Their faces are inches apart and Harry’s eyes drift to Louis’ slightly parted lips.

 

Louis can’t think straight. He never thought Harry could think of him this way and all he can think of is how Harry’s lips look soft and inviting and how he wishes he could break the tiny distance separating them.

 

Harry thinks he might have a thing for cute hiccupping blue-eyed boy.

 

“Can I kiss you?” Harry whispers. Louis doesn’t know how to form words anymore so he just nods, hiccups long forgotten.

 

True to who he is, Harry’s lips are soft and gentle. He cups Louis’ cheek with one hand and brings him closer with the other pressed on the lower part of his back. The kiss quickly deepens and Harry groans causing shivers all through Louis’ body.

 

Harry can’t get enough of Louis’ taste, he has to refrain himself from picking him up and getting him on his bed right there and then. Instead, he pulls back from the kiss and Louis’ whimper from the loss of contact makes him warm all over.

 

When Louis’ blue eyes open and bore into Harry’s soul, he simply smiles and his dimples make Louis smile in return, crinkles form beside his eyes telling Harry it’s genuine.

 

“I don’t have the hiccups anymore.” Louis says quietly, not wanting to burst the bubble they seem to be in, effectively protecting them from the outside world, from everything that threatens to get in the way of their fragile light-hearted state.

 

Harry laughs shortly and presses Louis back to his chest, where he fits perfectly.

 

“Maybe kissing is the cure, then.” He says, smiling. They both go back to watching the movie without really paying attention to it. Too distracted by how perfect the moment is.

 

Yes, it is a good day Louis thinks.

 

\---

 

Turns out, it is definitely not a good day. Everything came crashing down in no time.

 

Harry had received a phone call from Barbara asking him if he had a chance to talk to him about the change in guardianship yet. The thing is, Harry new he should have told Louis first thing in the morning, but he was so thrilled to go at Zayn’s gallery and he actually ate a fruit without gagging or throwing up, he couldn’t bring the mood down. And then, he was so joyful when he came back, he was all smiles when he cuddled close to Harry’s side and he could never break such radiant happiness coming from Louis.

 

But now, they had kissed and Harry had definitely crossed a line he didn’t want to cross.

 

He was ashamed when he had to tell Barbara he didn’t have time to get to it yet and she scolded him, reminding him how it was he’s idea in the first place and it wasn’t fair not to keep Louis in the loop. She also reassured him telling him, it wasn’t a big deal in the end and to stop feeling guilty about it. She reminded him how the decision they took was the right one and that Louis would see that too.

 

When he ended the call, he knew he couldn’t put it off any longer. Zayn and Liam were still out and he wished they were there when he sat next to Louis on the couch, leaving a little bit of space between them. When Louis went to snuggle back to his side, he slid further away and tried to ignore Louis’ hurt expression.

 

Louis didn’t understand how Harry could be so cold moments after they shared this amazing kiss. Well it was amazing for him, he thought, maybe Harry felt it was awful and was trying to find a way to tell Louis how they could never do that again. Maybe he even would ask him to move out, not wanting the awkwardness that was sure to follow. Maybe he would give the guardianship to someone else. Louis’ breathing picked up at that as he waited for Harry to speak, seeing he was opening his mouth, certainly thinking of ways to let Louis down gently.

 

“There’s something I have to talk to you about.” Harry finally said.

 

And that didn’t help Louis’ breathing. Harry wouldn’t do this to him, would he?

 

“You see, I – we – well, there’s – hum” Harry sighed frustratingly.

 

“Just come out and say it Harry, you’re killing me.” Harry startled at Louis’ straight forwardness, but he saw how the boy was tightly clawing at his thigs and how his breathing was erratic even though he was clearly trying to hide it. He hated seeing him like that and he decided to rip the band aid off.

 

“Ok. Lou, I can’t be your legal guardian anymore.”

 

Louis felt the room spin around him, everything surrounding him becoming a blur behind a vale of slowly forming tears in his eyes. He could only nod slowly. He understood why Harry couldn’t be responsible for him anymore and, frankly, he should be grateful it lasted so long. But Louis was too much to take care of, and he couldn’t ask Harry to take on so much responsibility.

 

The day had started so perfectly, but Louis couldn’t catch a break.

 

He should probably thank Harry for everything he’s done already and move one, make it easier on him.

 

“I understand.” Louis says brokenly as he tries to hold back his tears.

 

Harry’s heart breaks at that. He sees how Louis jumps to conclusion, thinking Harry simply doesn’t want the responsibility anymore. He couldn’t be further away from the truth.

 

“No, Louis you don’t understand. The thing is, I – “

 

Louis cuts him off, getting up off the couch hastily,

 

“It’s fine Harry, believe me, I understand.” A tear slips and Louis quickly brushes it away. He doesn’t want Harry to rub the knife in an already painful wound.

 

“You don’t have to tell me, I know I’m a lot and I could never ask you to do more for me than you already have. I’ll get out of your hair in no time I promise. I’ll be gone in the morning don’t worry.”

 

“Lou, no! You’ve got it all wrong!” Harry tries to correct him, but he’s already walking away from the living room. Harry follows him, but the boy starts to run, not wanting to hear anymore of Harry since hearing his voice breaks his heart, knowing he might never hear it again. He runs for the front door and keeps running ignoring how the cold air of December hits his bare arms. He runs as fast as he can, trying to tune everything out, focusing on his heart pumping in his chest and his breathing, heavy only partly because of the exercise.

 

He doesn’t know how long he runs for, but he only stops when his legs give out and his lungs burn so much he feels he can’t fill them up anymore. He collapses on the bench of a park nearby. He doesn’t know where he is, he was focusing so much on putting one leg in front of the other that he lost track of time and space. He wants to cry but it’s as if every tear has already left him in the last 3 years of his life. He’s tired of crying. He feels numb.

 

He crawls in a fetus position on the bench and closes his eyes. He doesn’t really care if he finds his way back or not. He was right to think living with Harry would be temporary, but he let himself feel at home in his arms and now it hurts to think he’s going to have to deal with everything alone. Again.

 

Even while shivering from the cold and worrying about where he’s supposed to go now, he falls asleep exhausted.

 

\---

Harry is flipping. He’s absolutely frantic, pacing the room all the while calling Zayn, Liam, then Niall and then Dixon. He needs them to help him find Louis. He scolds himself for not going after him, thinking he’d give him space, but now it’s been 4 hours and the sun is coming down and when he calls Louis, he doesn’t answer.

 

He didn’t have time to tell Louis how the only reason he couldn’t be his guardian anymore was because he developed feelings for him. Since he wants them to become more, he doesn’t feel comfortable being in a position of power like that. He knew Louis would think he was just too much responsibility to take in and that Harry was only trying to get out of it. That’s why he dreaded that talk so much.

 

Now he can only think of how he should have addressed it differently. He triggered Louis before he had a chance to tell him how he feels towards him, how he wants to kiss him even more and how he wants to get even closer to him. He let Louis jump to conclusions.

 

All he managed to do was drive him away.

 

He’s brought back out of his self-loathing by Zayn and Liam barging in with worried looks on their faces. Harry thinks it’s remarkable how they’ve really grown to care for Louis a lot. He thinks of how good they’ll be for Louis as his new guardians.

 

Barbara was the one to suggest it, but hey were eager to get on board when Harry had asked them. They were actually delighted and told him how much they only had Louis’ best interests at heart and how they would do anything to protect him. Harry is happy that Louis can count on such a wonderful couple, on trustworthy and loving people.

 

If only he had the time to explain all that to Louis before he ran off.

 

He retells the events to Liam and Zayn. Niall and Barbara arrive together short after and Dixon moments later. They all get into three different cars and begin to search for Louis.

 

Harry hopes nothing happened to his boy while he scopes the city from the car’s window and bites his nails frantically. He can’t let anything happen to Louis, not a stupid misunderstanding. Not after all he’s been through already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love to get your feedback, don't hesitate to tell me what you think of the story so far,
> 
> xx


	16. Take my mind and take my pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy, It's been a while... Sorry...
> 
> I've been suddenly really busy with my classes at uni and it's hard to update everyday :S 
> 
> I can tell you it's going to be at least 3 days before the next chapter, BUT, hopefully after that, I'll be able to post every day until the end of the story.
> 
> Enjoy, all the love xx

Louis wakes up shivering, the bench underneath him is hard and cold. He tries to make himself as small as possible, his knees are bent to his chest and his arms are wrapped on himself. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t keep his father’s voice away, telling him he’s nothing, he’s disgusting and nobody would ever want him. He wants to go back and demand that Harry explains the kiss. Why would he lead Louis on when he knew he was just about to reject him in the worst possible way? How could Harry be so cruel? How could Louis be so wrong about someone? He thought Harry was the gentlest soul to ever walk the earth, he thought Harry meant warmth and comfort. Now he doesn’t know what to think anymore.

 

He wants to go back and ask Harry why he would let Louis hope only to take it away. He thinks his father’s cruelty was easier to take. At least, with him, he knew there was no point in hoping for love. He knew all he was going to get from him was hate.  With his father, at least, he knew where he stood and, with time, he learned to let his mind wonder away from his body when it got too much. With time, he felt like he had succeeded in putting his heart tucked away somewhere it couldn’t get hurt anymore. But Harry pulled it back in his chest only to rip it apart again.

 

He understands why Harry doesn’t want him. That’s the easiest part to understand. Louis knows he isn’t worth that much trouble. What he doesn’t know is why Harry let him think that maybe, just maybe, he could be worth something to someone. Maybe he could be enough for Harry. He wants to go back and find out why Harry did this to him, but he simply can’t go back. He’s lost, he has no idea how to find his way back. He took turns while he was running that he didn’t even register and now he has no idea how to get back. All he can do is shiver and withdraw within himself on a cold, hard bench. He wants to cry, but he’s done so much crying in the last days that there are no tears left for him to shed. He wonders if Zayn and Liam want to get rid of him as well or if it’s only Harry. He wonders if they were just faking being friendly just because Harry was. He’s so confused as to why everyone led him on, why they let him think he was worth more than he is.

 

He doesn’t know if he wishes for Harry or for death to find him. He figures: first-come first-served and he’ll let the universe decide.

 

\---

 

Harry is going crazy. It seems like they’ve rounded the whole city ten times already and they couldn’t find a single sign of Louis. It’s freezing outside and Harry knows Louis was only wearing a t-shirt when he left. He ran his hand through his hair so much out of anxiety, he fears he’s going bald.

 

After two hours have passed and they still have no clue where Louis is, Dixon calls some friends at the station and they get in on the search party. Harry thinks they must be overlooking something. He can’t have run that far. He worries something’s happened to him. It’s dark out, what if he got lost? What if someone tried to mug him? Harry imagines Louis lying dead in a pool of blood. He can’t stop images of the worst scenarios imaginable from going through his mind.

 

He keeps looking at his phone, waiting for Liam, Zayn or Niall to call and tell him they’ve found him, but the phone never rings.

 

They’ve been surveying the area around his flat for about 2 and half hours now. Harry thinks he’s going to be sick from worrying so much.

 

Harry sighs, “Lou, babe, where are you?” Harry murmurs to no one in particular, looking through the window.

 

\---

 

Louis is still wrapped on himself on the bench when he feels a shadow towering over him. He opens his eyes to be met with a pair of long muscular legs and when he looks up he’s met with all too familiar malicious brown eyes.

 

“Well well well, fancy meeting you here twink.” Christopher smirks.

 

Louis’ eyes widen and he instantly tries to get up from the bench, to get away from the strong captain of the football team, but the latter grips his shirt aggressively and pins him harshly to the bench. Louis winces at the harsh contact of his back to the metal.

 

“I thought I told you to stay away from me. Were you following me faggot?” Christopher whispers and the threat hiding behind his words make Louis cower on himself even more. He wants to tell him that of course he wasn’t following him, that he was the one to approach Louis in the first place, that he doesn’t even have a clue where they are. But he knows there’s no point. He knows Christopher only wants a reason to beat him up. He knows because he can easily see his father in Christopher’s eyes. He knows because his dad used to do the exact same thing.

 

So, he doesn’t say anything and he prepares himself for the punch that is sure to come. He thinks the universe might have spoken, so he doesn’t fight it.

 

Christopher grabs him by the hair and makes him stand up in front of him. He then proceeds to punch Louis in the stomach, effectively cutting any intake of air in his lungs. He keeps Louis upright while he punches him several times in the ribs and Louis feels something crack under the brutality of the impact. After a while, he lets Louis sink to the ground. He’s on his knees, bent in half, grabbing his sides and trying to breathe again when he feels Christopher’s knee hit his nose. Blood streams instantly and his eyes well up with tears. He feels a punch to his right cheek and he falls to the ground.

 

Christopher kicks him again in the sides for good measure, bends down to Louis’ ear and whispers,

 

“Oh, and while I have your attention, I should tell you. I’ve talked to the rest of the team and we agreed that you shouldn’t play anymore. You see, you’ve missed so much practice already; coach agrees, it’s not fair to keep you on when you never show up. And, I’m sure you’ll understand, the team would be much more comfortable without a fag showering with them, you know, it would be kind of gross. Anyway, see you at school Louis.” He pats him on the back and leaves.

 

Louis tries to get up, but his sides are screaming in pain and he can’t see properly, his nose is throbbing and soaked in blood. He has trouble breathing and he’s still shivering from the cold now seeping from the ground where he can only lay and pray for a way out.

\---

 

It’s the fourth time they pass the park when Harry finally sees it. A tiny ball shivering on the ground near a bench in the park. He recognizes the little ball of hair and the clothes Zayn bought. His heart drops at the sight. He screams at Dixon to stop the car and rushes out the door so fast he almost trips twice getting to the boy.

 

Louis hears his name called in the distance. He thinks his imagination is playing tricks on him again. His own father said it: nobody wants him. He was right. Everybody in his life eventually realizes how much he isn’t worth their care. His father for one, but even the friends he thought he had at school. Now Harry, the kindest person he knows, the person he thought would care about him doesn’t. Even _he_ thinks that Louis isn’t worth his time.

 

He hears his name called again, but this time it’s softer and closer. He recognizes Harry’s voice instantly, but he can’t let himself believe that he’s really there. Harry wouldn’t come looking for him when he just told him he doesn’t want him anymore. He feels a hand on his shoulder and its warmth makes him shiver even harder.

 

“Jesus love, you’re freezing.” Harry takes a better look at Louis and sees blood all over his face, he feels panic boiling in his chest.

 

“Louis, you’re bleeding. What happened?” He sees how Louis is struggling to keep his eyes closed. He grabs his face with his hands.

 

“Love, look at me, don’t fall asleep, babe ok? Did you hit your head?” Harry is worried Louis had a concussion.

 

“No” Louis whispers and Harry can hear wheezing in his breathing.

 

“Can you stand up?” Louis shakes his head no, deciding speaking hurts too much.

 

Harry picks him up then and lays him down gently on the back seat of the car while Dixon calls everyone to let them know they found Louis.

 

Harry decides to call Dr.Philips directly and have him come to their house instead of going to the emergency. He wants Louis home. He wants to rectify everything he’s said and he wants to make sure Louis knows he’s still wanted that nothing is going to change.

 

“Let’s go home Lou.” He says while settling in the passenger seat.

 

Home. Louis doesn’t know where home is anymore. There was a time he thought home could be where Harry is, but he was dumb to let himself think this way. He only set himself for disappointment in the end.

 

Harry wishes they could go back in time, when they were kissing so softly, when he hadn’t put his foot in his mouth yet. If he only had explained himself better, Louis would never had run and he wouldn’t be bleeding in the back seat of Dixon’s car for god knows what reason.

 

\---

 

Louis is fast asleep in his bed while Philips explains to Harry the extent of Louis’ injuries and gives him the pain medication he needs.

 

Harry still doesn’t know who did this to his boy, but he tries to contain himself. He needs to let Louis sleep first. He also needs to explain to him that he isn’t going anywhere. It kills him that he hadn’t had the chance to rectify the misunderstanding yet. He never wants Louis to think that he’s not wanted, that he isn’t worth everything Harry has and more. As soon as Louis wakes up he has to tell him how he feels. Why he couldn’t be his legal guardian anymore and how Liam and Zayn agreed to take his place. He needs to let Louis know how much he cares for him and how much he wants to kiss him again. He wants him to know Harry would do anything for him. Anything at all.


	17. Like an empty bottle takes the rain

Louis’ eyes slowly blink open.

 

“Hey Lou, how are you feeling?” Harry asks gently.

 

Louis is confused for a moment, unsure of where he is. He vaguely remembers the ride back to Harry’s, but he thought he was only dreaming. He thought he was still laying bloodied and shivering on the park’s cold ground. Flashes of Christopher punching him in the gut and threatening him surface and he has to close his eyes and shake his head to keep them at bay.

 

Harry is sitting down next to him on the bed and rubbing his hand in his hair gently, soothingly. Louis’ confused mind leaves place for the memories of how he got in the park in the first place, how he ran until his lungs gave out and how Harry told him he didn’t want him anymore. He feels tears scratching at the back of his eyes, but he refuses to cry again. He has a chance to ask Harry the questions he wanted to ask him before and he doesn’t want to prolong it any longer than he has to.

 

He hastily sits up, but winces and stops his movements abruptly. He can’t help the whimper that escapes his lips. It’s as if a hundred knives are stabbing both his sides at the same time.

 

“Hey, hey, love, take it easy. You’ve been hurt pretty badly.” Harry pushes him down back on the bed softly.

 

“Harry?” Louis’ voice is raspy and his throat hurts badly when he swallows, his chest heaves every time he breathes, but he wants to know. He wants to know why Harry led him on and why he’s still leading him on. Why is he still in Harry’s apartment if he wants him gone?

 

“I’m here Lou, I’m not going anywhere, but you need to rest love. You haven’t even slept 4 hours yet.”

 

Louis is growing more confused by the second. Why is Harry being so nice to him? He’s getting mad. He thinks it’s cruel to let Louis hope like this. He wants to tell Harry off. He takes a deep breath before speaking, but he instantly starts to cough uncontrollably. His chest is wheezing in between each cough and he can’t seem to fill his lungs properly. He coughs until he’s almost nauseous from it. Harry is drawing circles on his back with a warm hand. When he’s done coughing, Harry’s other hand comes up his forehead.

 

“Shit, Lou, you’re burning up. You must have caught a cold, you poor thing.”

 

And at that Louis as had enough of Harry’s fake kindness. It’s killing him to know that underneath all that gentleness, Harry has made it clear he wants nothing to do with Louis anymore. He tosses Harry hands away with what he intends as a forceful shove, but ends up being a very weak hand gesture. The intent behind it is enough for Harry to back off though. Louis misses the hurt that flashes in Harry’s eyes.

 

“Harry, stop. Please.” Louis intended to scream at Harry, he wanted to let him know how mad he is, how wrong he is for acting this way, but his chest hurts too much and his throat is raw. His voice breaks when he talks and his tone has absolutely no bite to it. He continues nonetheless.

 

“Why are you being so nice? I’m not your charity case anymore, Harry, you can stop pretending to care all right? Just drop me off wherever I’m supposed to go now and leave me be.” He’s rent started off stronger than he thought himself capable, but in the end, he only manages to sound broken and unsure. He hates it. He feels his breathing pick up which only makes the wheezing more obvious.

 

“Oh, Lou, no, no, no. You didn’t let me explain, you don’t understand love.”

 

Louis suddenly feels exhausted. He’s so confused his head is throbbing, he can feel every heartbeat pumping in his temples.

 

“Than explain it to me Harry because I don’t get it.” And Louis has no idea how he managed his voice not to waver.

 

“Okay, okay.” Harry takes a deep breath. Figuring out how to go about this. He suddenly feels very vulnerable opening up about his feelings to the very gorgeous but extremely naïve blue-eyed boy who looks at him expectantly and slightly angry. Harry thinks he has all the rights to be angry at him, but it still puts him off. He thinks he’s never seen Louis like this, with a severe look on his face. He thinks it suits him: his brows are furrowed and his hands are crossed to his chest, his mouth forms this little pout that Harry only wants to kiss away.

 

“I’m waiting.” Louis says sternly. When Harry looks in his eyes though, he can see the doubt and the fear, clear as day. It gives him the strength to continue. He wants to make sure Louis doesn’t doubt how precious he is and how much Harry cares for him. He can’t let Louis hurt because of him any longer.

 

“Louis, I – I should have started with this last time and I’m sorry. I – “ Harry sighs. And takes a deep breath, summoning the courage he needs.

 

“I like you a lot Lou and I really liked kissing you and I want to do it again, if you’d let me. I want to travel with you. I want to cook with you. I want to look at you while you paint. I want to present you to my parents and I want to cuddle you senseless. I want more with you Louis… if you’ll let me of course.” Harry deadpans and sighs in relief. When he looks up at Louis’ face it’s almost comical.

 

His brows are still furrowed and his arms are still crossed on his chest, but they’ve fallen slightly, his mouth is faintly opened and his eyes are wide. He looks a combination of confused and surprised. Harry smiles fondly at him and waits for him to reply, somewhat anxious.

 

“I – You do?” Louis simply says. He doesn’t understand how Harry could feel this way about him. He never would have imagined in his wildest dreams that Harry would return his feelings. He also has trouble understanding why Harry doesn’t want to be his legal guardian anymore if he likes Louis that much.

 

“Yes, Louis, I do. I like you. A lot.”

 

“But why - ?”

 

“It didn’t feel right to have the kind of power a legal guardian has over you when I wanted our relationship to develop into something more. I talked about it with Barbara and she agreed that it was a conflict of interest and I had to find an alternative. I’m sorry I didn’t lead with this first, I should have known you’d jump to conclusions, but I assure you Lou, nothing is going to change, unless you want it to.”

 

“But, where am I going to go if you’re not my guardian anymore?” Louis still has to wrap his head around the fact that Harry might like him and he still has so many unanswered questions. His throat is still soar, his breathing is still harsh and his head is still throbbing. He needs to sleep at least 10 hours straight, but he needs reassurance more. He needs to know for sure that he can stay where he’s felt most at home in years. He needs to make sure that Harry is still going to be a part of his life. He needs to know he’s still safe and cared for. He needs this more than he needs to sleep.

 

“Well if you want to, Liam and Zayn have suggested themselves as my replacement. They’d take on the role of legal guardians.”

 

Louis almost chokes on his own saliva in surprise. He can’t believe Zayn and Liam would do that for him when they barely know him. He’s so touched, he can’t believe they would care enough for someone like Louis. He wills the sudden vale of tears to stay away from his eyes and tries to cough the lump that’s slowly forming in his sore throat.

 

“Really?” He whispers. Harry is glad to see how touched Louis is. He’s also relieved that misunderstandings have been rectified.

 

“Yes, of course Lou, they adore you. You have them wrapped around your little finger already. They were thrilled to take on that role believe me.”

 

Louis gives him a watery smile.

 

“Okay” He says quietly. He nods to himself, repeating Harry’s words in his head disbelieving how lucky he is to be surrounded by such amazing people. He doesn’t know what they see in him that makes them care so much, but he wishes to live up to it as much as possible.

 

Louis lets relief wash over him like a wave of sunshine in a pool of darkness. Harry still wants him around, he doesn’t want him to go away. Hell, he even said he likes him. A lot. Zayn and Liam are going to be his legal guardians which means he can stay at Harry’s. He feels so stupid for jumping to conclusions now and for running away without hearing Harry’s explanations. He feels silly.

 

Harry’s hand is back to massaging his scull gently and Louis almost purrs at the feeling. The moment is quickly interrupted though by a long fit of cough and by the end of it, Louis is sweating and heaving and grabbing his aching sides. He feels like shit to say the least.

 

Harry hands him two gigantic yellow pills and a glass of water. “Here, love, Dr. Philips gave you these to help with the pain.”

 

Louis takes them gratefully even though he has a hard time swallowing them around his aching throat. It’s not long before he feels his eyelids close on their own accord. He wants to let himself be pulled into the abysmal sleep that’s calling him. However, he hastily forces his eyes to open back up in a panic when he sees a mixture of Christopher and his father’s faces looking down on him angrily. He’s breathing picks up and he tries to focus on Harry’s soothing hand in his hair, but his eyes keep drooping and every time they close he sees menacing looks and quiet threats.

 

“Hey love, relax. You need sleep, babe, don’t fight it.” Harry tries to reassure him. He sees him struggling against the effects of the pain medication and he sees the panic in his face.

 

“I don’t want to sleep Harry. Please I can’t sleep.” Louis looks at him pleadingly and grips his shirt with a tiny weak fist. At the evident terror in Louis’ eyes, Harry wordlessly slips besides Louis under the covers and brings Louis’ head to his chest. He wraps him in his arms and kisses Louis’ head and he senses him relax a little.

 

“Here your safe, Lou. Go to sleep, I’ll keep you safe, I promise.”

 

Louis lets himself be held and lets out a sigh.

 

“No pinky promise” Louis whispers already half-asleep.

 

“No pinky promise” Harry repeats.

 

He finally lets his eyes close.


	18. Take my past and take my sense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! 
> 
> Man this week was crazy! But I got 96% in a presentation I had to do for one of my seminars (I'm bragging, sue me) so I guess it was a good thing that I stayed away from AO3 even if it was very painful not to write about Larry Stylinson for a whole week!
> 
> Anywayyy, this chapter is longer, so you'll forgive me for the wait...right? :) 
> 
> As always, don't hesitate to give me feedback, I love hearing from you,
> 
> Enjoy, xx

The silence around the table makes it apparent how little sleep everyone had. The clinking of utensils on their plates seems louder than usual in the thick quietness. Louis had one of his worse nights yet, kicking and screaming at imaginary enemies even through Harry’s reassuring whispers and soothing gestures. Liam and Zayn couldn’t sleep either, at first from the noise than from sheer concern. Louis had riled himself so much so that he ended up being sick twice during the night. It was a horrid 8 hours for everyone and they all got up early, unable to find sleep anymore.

 

Now all three are eying Louis worriedly as he picks at his food, deep in thought. He doesn’t seem to register the attention targeted at him. It goes on until everyone is almost done with their breakfast except for Louis, who hasn’t touch his plate yet.

 

“Louis, stop playing around with your food and eat it please.” Liam is the first one to speak up and it startles Louis who appears to realize just now that he hasn’t eaten yet.

 

“Sorry” Louis mutters, his voice still sore from the screaming he half remembers doing in his sleep. He compels his fork to drag a little bit of eggs up to his mouth. There’s a knot in chest that prevents him to feel hunger although he’s certain he should be starving since he threw up what little he had in his stomach the night before. He’s now painfully aware of the three pair of eyes boring into him as he audibly forces his throat to swallow around his overly chewed up bite. He wants to reassure them, erase the creases between their brows, but he can’t bring himself to eat anything more since his previous bite is still trying to pass the knot in his chest.

 

He goes back to playing with his food and the three roommates exchange a look over his head. Harry doesn’t want to push him, seeing as he had probably the worst night of flashbacks and nightmares yet, but he worries Louis isn’t eating enough to remain healthy. He’s fighting numerous injuries from his father’s beating and whatever happened in the park, Harry still doesn’t know. He’s also developed a cold and Harry’s certain the fever didn’t help with the nightmares. He clearly needs all the energy his body can get.

 

Zayn gets impatient staring at Louis’s still full plate. He sighs and reaches over the table at Louis’ dish. He cuts his toast in half and tosses half of the eggs to one side.

 

“Eat at least half.” His tone is harsher than Liam, but Harry knows he’s only worried about Louis’ well-being. Harry places a gentle hand on Louis’ knee encouragingly. If it were up to him, he’d take the plate off the table and let Louis try later, but he knows his judgement is clouded by the strong feelings he has for those deep pleading blue eyes.

 

“Zayn, I don’t think I can. Please, I’m not hungry.” Louis implores gazing at him with wide eyes. Harry knows that if he were at the receiving end of that hypnotizing innocent stare, he would have already given him everything he wants. Zayn though, stands his ground, unwavering.

 

“I don’t care if you’re hungry or not Lou, you need to eat. I already compromised. You can eat half of it.”

 

There’s no space for argument and Harry is glad for the decision of the change in guardianship. Zayn and Liam care for the boy immensely, that much is undeniable, but they are prepared to be tough when they need to for Louis’ best interest. When it comes to Harry, his too easily distracted by how beautiful his lashes look when they catch the light or how well his jeans fit his curvy body.

His hand rubs Louis’ back underneath his shirt, trying to comfort him as best he can. He’s torn by the unshed tears he sees in Louis’ eyes while he forces another bite down his throat.

 

\---

 

It takes Louis thirty minutes to empty half of his plates, but when he does he’s met with praises from everyone around the table and he feels stupid for being proud of such a mundane accomplishment, but his proud nonetheless. He just hopes he can keep it down.

 

They sit in the living room, pretending to look for something to watch on Netflix while they wait in anticipation. They haven’t said much since they all woke up, but the tension is so thick, they could cut right through it. They all know Dixon and Barbara are coming to take a statement both from the night Louis’ father died and the night before, in the park. Nobody asked him questions about any of it and he hasn’t said out loud any of what happened to him. The thing is, he doesn’t think he can. Harry tried to get Barbara to get him more time to prepare, but since there was a death involved and the possible charges could be very severe, all she could do was arrange for it to be at Harry’s apartment to try and make it a little more comfortable for Louis.

 

They hear three firm knocks at the door and Louis tenses. This is it. He’s going to have to admit out loud how his father threatened him, how he raped him again, how he got away from the ropes only to stab his father to death, how he felt the knife go through his jugular with less resistance than he thought, how he couldn’t stop staring at the blood and his father’s surprised and fearful expression as life drained out of him.

 

Earlier this morning, when he was in the shower and he knew nobody could hear him, he tried to make his lips form the words, he tried to force the sounds out of his throat, but his vocal chords wouldn’t work properly and his mouth refused to move. He can’t say it. Even to himself. The thing is, he’s not sad that his father is dead, on the contrary. He’s beyond relieved. That’s just it. He killed his own father and he just feels immense relief. How wrong is that? He feels so guilty it makes his throat close up when he thinks about it which makes it infinitely harder to talk and certainly harder admit to what he’s done.

 

On top of everything, as if that wasn’t enough, he knows Dixon is going to ask him about last night and Louis doesn’t want to tell them he knew his attacker, but he hates the idea of lying to Harry of all people. He hates the idea of lying to him almost as much as he can’t talk about his father’s death. He’d feel like letting him down when his green eyed savior done so much for him already. But he can’t say it was Christopher who beat him up. It would only make everything at school worse for him when he gets back. Even if they pressed charges on Christopher and got him expelled which Louis suspects is what Harry would do or try to do at least; the rest of the football team would still be there. Louis is certain Christopher’s torments would live through them even if he wasn’t there to administer it himself any longer. He knows he needs to lie, but he wishes Harry wasn’t there to hear him do it. He knows he’s a good liar and he knows he can fool everyone. It’s a skill he had to learn. A skill his father forcefully ingrained in him. He just hates doing it. He hates he has to lie in front of Harry for the first time.

 

He realizes he blanked a while since Dixon is already setting up a camera and settling besides Barbara in front of him. He’s missed them entering the room and greeting everyone he was so deep in thought.

 

Zayn and Liam sit further, but still close enough to intervene if need be and Harry is standing right next to him, a comforting hand on his thigh and Louis is grateful for the warm contact.

 

“All right, let’s get this over with, shall we?” Dixon says, putting the camera on. Louis nods, although he isn’t sure he can talk around the soreness of his throat and the lump currently forming in it.

 

Barbara had talked to him earlier telling him how it was different from last time. He didn’t need to go into detail for this statement since no charges were being pressed… yet. Barbara had told him not to worry though. She had said it was a clear case of self-defense and that the previously on-going trial with his father was in his favor, granting his story credibility. He just needs to answer Dixon’s questions as clearly and briefly as possible and everything would be over soon according to Barbara.

 

Except Louis knows that the legal part might be over after that, but so many things will linger even when Dixon is out the door. The nightmares and flashbacks will still be there, his inability to eat normally, the self-loathing, his grades at school he needs to pick up, Christopher. No. Getting through the statement isn’t going to mark the end of his worries. But he still needs to get through it.

 

“So, Louis, if you’d state your full name, your age and today’s date and time please.” Dixon’s tone of voice is warmer than it was the first time around and Louis isn’t as intimidated as he was when he had to go to the police station, but he doesn’t feel as brave. He takes a deep breath and forces himself to go through it one question at a time. So far, it’s fairly easy.

 

“Louis Tomlinson, 16 years old, November 27th 2017, 10 AM.” His voice is breaking from his sore throat, but Louis is glad that the lump lodged in it is till manageable. Harry is tracing soothing circles with his thumb on his thigh and he concentrates on that as he waits for the next question.

 

“Louis, you have officially pressed charges against your father Troy Tomlinson on November 7th of this year for physical and sexual abuse, correct?”

 

Louis swallows. He looks at Barbara who gives him a reassuring nod.

 

“Yes.”

 

So far, his voice hasn’t given out. He thinks it’s going ok. Than he realizes it’s only the second question and it’s only been going on for 30 seconds or so. He thinks the time might be slowing down just to mock him.

 

“Can you get me through the events of November 25th starting from 1:30 PM up until midnight the same day?”

 

The lump in his throat gets heavier and is effectively blocking part of his air intake. Harry squeezes his leg a little tighter.

 

“I was hanging by the tress outside of school. Actually, I was just going back to my last class when hum-.”

 

He cuts himself off. When he shuts his eyes, Louis can see the barrel of a gun pointed at him as if Eric was standing just in front of him pushing him to a white creepy van. He shakes his head, trying to get the image out of his head.

 

“You’re doing great love, you can do this.” Harry whispers, only for his ears to hear.

 

“Eric forced me into a van, he had a gun.” Louis lets it out in one breath. Bracing himself for the rest of the story, but Dixon cuts him off.

 

“Can you clarify Who’s Eric?” Dixon asks. Louis knows Dixon already arrested him, he knows he only needs the official statement to solidify the case against him and it’s something Louis knows he can say, he can get that out to ensure that creepy man can’t do any harm to anyone ever again. It’s something he rehearsed successfully in the shower that morning.

 

“He claimed to be my father’s neighbor a few days prior to the incident. He introduced himself while I was going to get my stuff back from my father’s house.”

 

“Can you tell me if this is the man you’re talking about?”

 

Dixon shows him a picture, and he instantly recognizes the smirk on his face. He has no doubt and nods firmly.

 

“Yes, this is him. That’s the man who forced me into the van.”

 

“Louis Tomlinson has recognized the man from evidence number C-38.” Dixon says for the sake of the camera.

 

“Go on, Louis, what happened once you got into the van?”

 

When Louis shuts his eyes, recalling the events he quickly realizes how much of a mistake that is. He sees his father’s grin just before he tazed him unconscious. He rapidly opens his eyes back up.

 

“My father was there. He tazed me and I fell unconscious.” It’s getting harder to get words out around the lump in his throat and his erratic breathing, but he surprises himself with how far he can go without losing it completely. He knows though that the hard part is yet to come, that the interview has only begun and the ticking of the clock on the wall taunts him relentlessly. He wishes time could go faster, he wishes he could jump forward when all this is over, but he has to live through it and he’s still not sure he can.

 

Seeing as Louis has gone silent, lost in thought, Dixon pushes him to continue.

 

“What do you remember next?”

 

“I woke up in the basement. M-my wrists were tied to the m-mattress. My father-” He can’t stop the images that start to frantically and randomly flash before his eyes and his voice gives out.

 

He sees the threatening blade of a knife, he sees his father’s eyes boring into him, he sees his father slowly unbuckling his belt, he sees the knife cutting through his flesh. He can feel the blinding pain of his father forcing himself into him, the scent of blood, the feel of it flowing down his legs, he can hear the laugh of his father while he pulls out and comes back in. He tries to shut his eyes to stop the images from rushing in, but it doesn’t help. It only seems to enhance his senses and it’s as if his father is standing right next to him when he hears him say, “ _I want to see the fear in your eyes while you beg me to stop fucking you.”_ It feels like he’s back in there, the air is suffocating him and he can feel the gag on his mouth making it even harder to breathe.  

 

He’s on the floor enveloped in Harry’s strong arms when his mind leaves _The basement_ to come back into Harry’s living room. The latter is gently rocking him and whispering nonsensical words of comfort in his ears. Louis concentrates on the hot breath on his neck and the familiar scent enveloping him and it effectively calm his breathing down. The lump is still there and his stomach is still in knots, but the images are gone and he can breathe relatively normally again.

 

He doesn’t know how long the flashbacks were, but he has no recalling of getting on the floor and Liam and Zayn look livid with worry. He thinks he can see tears vailing Liam’s eyes as he grabs Zayn’s arm for support.

 

Louis knows he has to get through this and he wants it over as soon as possible. He hated making everyone worry so much. He shakily gets up and back on the couch, startling Harry in the process.

 

“Sorry, I’m ok.” He says, swallowing hard, trying unsuccessfully to clear his esophagus.

 

Harry is back at his side again. “Lou, you don’t have to do this now, Dixon can come back later, you can take the time you need.” Harry says gently and Louis is tempted to say yes. He’s exhausted and he hasn’t gotten to his father’s death yet. He has barely slept all night and hasn’t eaten much. But he wants to get through it so he never has to think about his father again. He wants to get through the questions about the park so he can get the lie out and stop worrying about it.

 

“No, I’m ok, let’s do this.”

 

And so, Harry’s hand finds its way back to his leg, Liam and Zayn get back in their seat and Dixon clears his throat, trying to regain some sort of composure. They all hate to see Louis like this, but they want this interview over as much as Louis, so they go on.

 

Louis retells them how he got the cuts and injuries on his torso and legs before telling them how his father raped him. He doesn’t give more detail than necessary. He knows there’s medical evidence to back up the rape, Barbara had reassured him. He’s proud to get through it without shedding a tear. He doesn’t want to cry over his father’s abuse anymore. He doesn’t want to give him that satisfaction even after his death. He doesn’t want him to have that power anymore. He has to pace himself, taking breaks every now and then to take deeps breaths and shake images away from his cluttered mind. When he gets to the part where he calls the police, Barbara tells him to jump to when his father opened the closet since they already have the recordings from the emergency call.

 

“I saw him coming through the cracks of the doors and I – I backed away. That’s when I- I found a – a kn-knife.” Louis shuts his eyes and sees blood and his father’s shocked wide eyes. He tries to blink the haunting visual away, but its engraved to his eyelids.

 

“I opened the door before he could and I –“ _stabbed him_ “He didn’t expect it I think s-so he stumbled backwards. I-” _murdered him_ “He was surprised so I took the kn-nife in my hand and I-” _Slaughtered him._ “– he looked at me and froze and I -“ _Killed him_. _I killed him. I Killed him_. _I killed my father._

 

He can think it, but his lips refuse to work. He feels tears stinging at the back of his eyes and he knows the lump in his throat blocking his voice would go away if he let go of those tears, but he can’t give that satisfaction to his father, wherever he is now. He won’t cry over him again.

 

He wants to tell them how horrible it was, but his voice will only let him say so much.

 

“I“ _Killed him and you wouldn’t believe how much_ “blood“ _There was_ “everywhere.” _The look in “_ his eyes“ _… Fear and shock. I’ve never seen him like this. He was “_ always unbreakable“ _, but when “_ the knife“ _went through “_ his throat“ _, he’s never been “_ so vulnerable“ _. I “_ couldn’t stop staring“ _, there was “_ so much blood“ _and “_ his eyes“ _were still wide opened. I “_ couldn’t stop staring“ _. I don’t know how long I stayed there for, but I just “_ couldn’t stop“ _and my hand wouldn’t let go of the “_ stupid knife and _“ the blood… “_ the blood _“ wouldn’t stop pouring from “_ his throat“ _._

He doesn’t know which parts he manages out and which parts he only thinks, he knows he’s incoherent, his eyes are shut reliving the moment again and his hands are shaking uncontrollably. He vaguely registers Harry rubbing soothing circles on his back. He forces the tears not to pour out of his eyes by shutting them closed.

 

When he stops talking, the silence is unbearable. Harry is close to tears. He feels so guilty for not rescuing Louis faster, for not protecting him well enough. He hugs him tight ad rocks him softly while the boy is still shaking and murmuring incoherent memories of blood and opened dead eyes.

 

Zayn’s jaw is clenching and unclenching, he has to refrain himself from punching the nearest wall while Liam is holding his hand so tight its almost painful. Barbara wipes the tears that started falling a while ago and Dixon clears his throat and fumbles with the papers holding Louis’ case information.

 

“I think we should take a break” he suggests and everyone agrees. Louis is too out of it, wrapped in Harry’s arms to say anything.

 

Nobody dares to move though has they silently sympathize with Louis’ shaking figure.


	19. Like an empty sail takes the wind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kitten saviours! 
> 
> Welll, it's becoming a pattern here, but I'm sorry for the wait... again.
> 
> I've been struggling to finish this fic since I have ideas for another one and I can't help myself but to right them down. So now I'm righting two fics at the same time and it's getting confusing haha
> 
> So here is the next chapter and I might post the next fic before this one is finished against my better judgement, but be reassured that I am going to finish this one no matter what!
> 
> Enjoy, xx

 

When Harry feels Louis calm down in his arms, he whispers only for him to hear,

 

“Do you want to continue tomorrow? You’ve done so well already, Lou.”

 

Louis would love nothing more than to postpone the lie he’s about to give to the only people who truly care about him. But he wants the statements to be over with.

 

He shakes his head, pulls himself out of Harry’s warm embrace and sits up straighter.

 

“Let’s continue please.” He says to Dixon.

 

Louis doesn’t miss the worried glances exchanging above his head.

 

“Are you sure Lou?” Liam asks, concern written all over his face.

 

“Yes, I’m sure, let’s get this over with.” Dixon seems to understand, he hits the record button of the camera. Louis hadn’t realized he’d stopped it. He wonders how long he spent trying to calm himself down in Harry’s arms while everybody waited silently. He’s embarrassed that everyone saw him like this especially Dixon who’s always so stern and stoic.

 

The latter clears his throat be before continuing.

 

“So, Louis, could you tell us what happened last night, on November 26th 2017?”

 

Louis knows a lie works best when it’s closer to the truth. He knows he only wants the Christopher part out of the story so he’s going to lie by omission as much as possible. He’s going to avoid direct lies. He also knows liars usually speak too fast and give too much irrelevant information, so he paces his voice as much as he can when he answers Dixon.

 

Louis looks down, feeling guilty for his overreaction of the night before. “I was lying down on a bench in the park after running away.” He’s aware of the blush that’s creeping on his cheeks out of embarrassment and he’s picking on a loose strand on the couch.

 

Harry besides him feels just as guilty for scaring Louis away. He wants to tell him how sorry he is again, but he doesn’t want to interrupt. He settles for rubbing the boy’s back in what he hopes is a reassuring gesture.

 

“A man came towering over me and accused me of following him out of nowhere. I think he was only looking for a fight. I tried not to provoke him and I stayed silent. I hoped he would leave me alone if I didn’t answer, but he grabbed me and started punching me in the stomach. He hit my nose and punched my face than he kicked me once or twice I don’t remember. He left. Then, I passed out.”

 

So far, so good, Louis thinks. He’s paced himself not to talk too fast and he hasn’t lied directly. He looks around and he only sees sympathetic looks, no one seems suspicious, not even Dixon. He’s so focused on telling the lie he’s rehearsed in the shower perfectly he’s voice is void of emotion and he doesn’t get overwhelmed by the memory of the aggression. He’s thankful for that.

 

Harry is surprised at the cold detached way Louis has just recalled what should be a very traumatic event for him. He feels that something isn’t quite right, but it could be that Louis wants the statement to be over as quickly as possible and Harry understands that: he’s just as eager. Hearing about how his boy has suffered through violence yet again all because of he’s carelessness makes him sick.

 

“Did you see the man that attacked you?” Dixon asks.

 

Louis braces himself for the direct lie he can’t avoid.

 

“No, I didn’t I’m sorry… he was average height and kind of muscular? But it was dark and I was a little out of it. I’m sorry.” Louis hopes Dixon won’t push further.

 

“You haven’t seen his face at all? Maybe he has a distinctive trait like a tattoo or a scar?”

 

“I can’t recall, I’m sorry.” Louis looks down, hoping to hide his eyes full of guilt for lying to everyone that cares for him. To his relief Dixon lets it go. He frowns and takes some notes before shutting down the camera, but he doesn’t ask more questions about his attacker. Louis can’t hold in the sigh of relief that escapes his lips.

 

“All right well I think I have everything. Thanks for your honesty, I know it wasn’t easy to talk about all that.” Louis’ stomach churns at the mention of honesty. He tries to school his features not to let how guilty he feels show.

 

Dixon shakes his hand and turns to Barbara.

 

“You ready to go?”

 

“Niall’s picking me up actually.”

 

“Oh is he?” Harry asks, eyebrows raised in fake surprise.

 

To Louis’ astonishment a small blush appears onto the strong women’s cheeks at the mention of Niall. He’s never seen Barbara so flustered. She’s usually the embodiment of confidence and control. Apparently, he isn’t the only one to notice. She’s instantly bombarded by the boys’ teasing comments and Louis is grateful for the sudden change of mood and conversation. He even laughs with everyone else at one of Harry’s remark and Barbara laughs with them failing at looking annoyed.

 

The moment is interrupted by three even knocks at the door. Niall doesn’t wait for someone to answer him and simply lets himself inside.

 

“What’s the point of knocking if you’re just going to let yourself in?” Liam says with a fond look on his face.

 

“It’s just a heads up that I’m coming in.” Niall laughs unapologetically.

 

His grin doesn’t last long though, before his features return to a more serious demeanor.

 

“Hum. I should tell you, there’s a bunch of journalists outside, they were asking me questions about Louis when I came in. I didn’t say anything of course, but yeah, they’re quite determined to get a scoop or something.”

 

Feeling Louis’ breathing pick up, Harry wraps a protective arm around Louis almost subconsciously. He’s so in sync with the boy already it’s scary.

 

Barbara sighs and curses before turning to Louis.

 

“I’m so sorry Louis, they must have heard about the statement you were giving today. I don’t know who’s tipped them off. Maybe you should wait a bit before going out. They’ll give up eventually, just don’t tell them anything, okay?”

 

Louis nods. He didn’t really want to go outside anyway. After everything that’s happened to him in a very short amount of time he feels more like cuddling with Harry on the couch for the rest of eternity than going out there again, journalists or no journalists.

 

“You ready to go love?” Niall says turning to Barbara who’s reddening and smiling at the term of endearment.

 

Harry smiles at them fondly. He’s happy for his friend who hasn’t had the best of luck in love. He’s glad Niall has found someone as great as Barbara.

 

To Louis’ satisfaction, as soon as everyone’s out the door, Harry brings him in his arms on the couch, wraps them in a fuzzy blanket and puts on a mindless show on TV. It’s exactly what Louis needs and he snuggles as close to Harry’s warmth as he possibly can and sighs in relief.

 

\---

 

Louis sighs in frustration.

 

“I don’t get it Liam. It seems so easy when you do it, but it’s like you’re speaking Chinese or something!”

 

Liam has been trying to help Louis in his chemistry class for an hour now and Louis feels like he hasn’t made any progress. He feels so embarrassed at how stupid he is compared to Liam who seems to understand everything so easily.

 

It’s been a week since his statement to Dixon and he’s been on lock down until the media frenzy surrounding his father’s death calms down. Since it’s been reported that his father was abusive and that his own son had killed him after a “violent altercation”, he’s been receiving tons of messages on Facebook. Although some were supportive and understanding others were just horrid and frightening. Harry made him delete his account and create a new one seeing that the threatening and negative comments were getting to him. He’s been reluctant to go on the internet altogether ever since and he’s now bored out of his mind and wants nothing more than to leave the apartment even just for a little while.

 

Harry had to go back to work, so he spends his days with either Zayn or Liam and the latter had insisted he continue working on his classes from home. Louis strongly prefers when Zayn’s there since they pretty much paint in his studio all day and talk about art and how Zayn is doing at his gallery. They’ve even been talking about selling some of Louis’ work. Well Zayn has been trying to convince him that he’s good enough. The thing is, Louis knows he’s far from good compared to Zayn’s art and he doesn’t want his paintings to be showcased next to Zayn’s masterpieces. Anyway, the time he passes with Zayn is all together pretty enjoyable.

 

Although he admires Liam’s intelligence when he talks about his studies and loves to hear him share his research passionately, he wishes the man wouldn’t have taken it upon himself to get Louis’ grades up. He wishes Liam would stop trying to explain all this stuff he knows he’s never going to get. He’s beginning to think he’s too far behind and can never get back on track.

 

“Lou, don’t get discouraged, you’ve actually progressed a lot in just an hour.”

 

Liam isn’t lying, he’s been really impressed by Louis’ ability to take information in and put it to practice right away. The only problem is that Louis has been behind in his classes for almost three years and he has a lot to catch up on. He’s self-loathing and doubting himself every step of the way even though it’s clear he has the intelligence to catch up. Liam is worried. He’s beating himself down when it’s more than normal to struggle in class while living through what he had to endure at home. He has a hard time showing him how smart he actually is.

 

“Let’s just take a break from chemistry, yeah? What else do you struggle with?”

 

Louis sighs and puts his head in his right hand and looks at Liam sideways.

 

“Pretty much everything except art class and English.” Louis sighs again, putting his head on the table.

 

“It’s no use Liam I’m never going to catch up by the end of the semester, exams are in a week.”

 

“Hey, none of that, you’re smarter than you think, stop underestimating yourself Lou and let’s get to work.”

 

With yet another sigh and his head feeling like it might explode from frustration, Louis tosses his chemistry book and takes out his history book instead. _This is going to be a long day_ , he thinks.

 

It turns out Louis can’t stand a whole day of this like they’d planned. After an hour and a half Louis is so frustrated he’s on the verge of tears. He closes all his book in the middle of Liam’s explanation of a particularly difficult algebra problem and hides in Zayn’s studio for the rest of the afternoon. He refuses to leave the room and ignores Liam’s pleads.

 

Liam tries to coax him out at one point to make him eat something, but Louis stays silent. It takes Harry coming home and promising cuddles for him to get out,  but the lump in his throat doesn’t allow him to eat much.

 

 

\---

 

_His eyes are exactly as he remembers, filled with fear and surprise in his son’s betrayal._

_He’s never seen her, but he recognizes his own eyes reflected in hers. She’s warm and inviting, just like he thought she used to be. Her stare is cold though and she’s standing beside her husband._

_“I sacrificed myself for you Louis, that’s how you repay me? I thought you were worth saving, I thought you would become someone great, but you’re a pathetic excuse for a son.”_

_Blood is starting to stream from his father’s wound. Louis looks down at his hands and they’re covered in the same thick crimson liquid. Louis is a pathetic excuse for a son, his father always told him, now he’s mother is saying it too._

_“Please mom I didn’t know what to do… I –“_

_“I died so you could live Louis and you killed my husband, the love of my life.”_

_Tears are running down Louis’ cheeks freely. His mother’s words are like knives cutting through his flesh. He wishes the knives were real and put him out of his misery._

_“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please, I’m sorry.” He knows his mother is right, he betrayed her._

_“Look at your father Louis, look at what you did.” His mother’s features are cold and severe marked by her profound disappointment in her son._

_His father is laying in a pool of blood, his accusing eyes are wide opened. The knife he stabbed him with is still stuck in his throat, a reminder of Louis’ betrayal._

_“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to, please, I’m so sorry” Louis repeats the apologetic words, sobbing uncontrollably. He doesn’t know how to make it right, he knows words are futile next to what he did. He’s mother will never forgive him._

_“Louis, Jesus, wake up!” his mom suddenly shouts._

 

_“Mom?” Louis doesn’t understand anymore, what is his mother talking about._

_“Wake up love” his mother’s eyes aren’t his anymore, they’re a deep shade of green and they’re not cold, they’re as warm as the sun. Louis tries to clear his head from the confusion that’s now clouding his thoughts. He recognizes those eyes._

_“Harry?”_

_“Yes, love it’s me, wake up, you’re safe, it’s only a nightmare.”_

_Louis looks back at his father only the figure has disappeared. He feels protective arms around his waist and a soothing hand rests on his back._

He blinks the images away and realizes he’s lying in Harry’s arms in his bed. When he looks up, Harry is snoring softly clearly trapped in dreams of his own. It’s like the man has the power to talk Louis out of his nightmares even when he is asleep.

 

Louis tries to focus on Harry’s heartbeat, on his soft regular intake of breath, but every time he closes his eyes again, he sees his mother accusing him and his father in a pool of blood. He can’t help the tears that are still falling down his face and he can’t seem to match his erratic breathing with Harry’s relaxed one. He thinks of waking him up, but he doesn’t want to disturb him when he’s so peaceful.

 

Reluctantly, he slips outside of the warm and comfortable bed. He’s afraid of falling back to sleep and seeing his mother again. He can’t get her accusing stare out of his head. Her eyes looked so much like his own, he felt like he was looking in a mirror, his reflection accusing him rightfully of the wrongs he committed. His legs bring him in front of Liam and Zayn’s bedroom on their own accord. He needs to paint the images that are haunting him. He hopes it will make them exit his mind for good. He knows it would be rude to sneak into Zayn’s bedroom to get to his studio, but all of his supplies are there and he needs to get those eyes out of his head.

 

He cracks the door open slowly and peeks inside the room. Zayn and Liam are tangled together and fast asleep judging by their soft snores. He slips silently through the tiny gap he made in the door. He decides not to close it back, avoiding every noise he can. He passes by the bed as quietly as possible and is thankful for the fluffy carpet beneath his bare feet absorbing every step he makes.

 

He successfully locks himself in the studio and gets to work. He thinks he won’t be there too long. Just the time to paint his mother’s eyes and he’ll go back to sleep void of the troubling image in his subconscious.

 

\---

 

Harry wakes up to a cold and empty bed and is instantly and irrationally worried. He blinks the sleep out of his eyes and rasps Louis’ name out. He gets up to make sure he’s okay thinking he must be in the bathroom or the kitchen.

 

Louis is nowhere to be found.

 

Harry has checked every room in the apartment and he begins to fully panic. What if he went outside, tired of being cooped up in here. With Louis’ luck, he’s been beaten again or harassed by journalists or he got lost somewhere in the city. Harry is pacing the floor and decides to wake Liam and Zayn up. They need to help him find Louis.

 

When he opens the door, he notices the light coming from underneath the studio’s entrance. He bolt through the room not caring about waking up his roommates. Louis is frantically painting on a canvas, his hair disheveled and dark circles evident underneath his eyes. Harry looks around the room to see dozens of similar paintings tossed around the room. Louis looks like madman tossing his current work aside only to pick up a blank canvas and repeat the same strokes. It’s evident he hasn’t slept much and has been here for hours.

 

“Louis?” Harry jumps at Zayn’s voice behind him. Louis doesn’t acknowledge Zayn’s voice, fully focused on his work.

 

“Louis.” Harry echoes, approaching the agitated figure cautiously as though not to spook him. He’s not sure Louis is even aware of their presence. He gently places a hand over Louis’ shoulder, but the boy continues throwing paint on the canvas methodically.

 

“Louis, love, you need to stop now, okay?” He tries to take the brush from Louis’ hand and it’s now that the latter seem to realize he has company.

 

“No! I need to get this right. I’m almost there.” Harry then takes a good look at what Louis is painting. They’re all piercing blue eyes over a crimson red background.

 

“Are you painting yourself Lou?” Harry is trying to understand why the boy is suddenly obsessed with the image of his own eyes. The visual seems to be driving him completely mad.

 

It seems it wasn’t the right thing to say because Louis starts to sob. The tears don’t stop him though, it only adds to his fervor.

 

“No, not my eyes, they’re not mine, they’re not mine.” Louis manages to say between his sobs and his frantic brush strokes. He repeats it like mantra and Harry’s heart breaks at sight. Harry looks at Zayn who’s now joined by Liam and they both look at him speechless. They’ve all never seen Louis so desperate and openly vulnerable. They’re at a lost as to what they should do to get Louis out of this state.

 

Harry kneels before him, his head right next to the picture Louis is trying to bring to life.

 

“Louis look at me.” Harry forces Louis’ gaze to tear away from the painting with a gentle but forceful hand. It effectively makes Louis stop for a second and they’re eyes meet.

 

“Harry?”

 

“Lou, you need to stop now. You’ve done enough love.”

 

Louis shakes his head, fresh tears running down his face, he doesn’t look away though, transfixed by Harry’s stare.

 

“I can’t, I need to get this right.” Louis says brokenly.

 

“Okay, I understand Lou, but you have to eat something first and take a little break, you can go back to it later, okay?” Harry has no intention of letting Louis obsess over this later, but he hopes he manages to talk him out of it by then. For now, he needs to sleep, take a warm comforting shower and eat. He’s dying to know who’s eyes Louis is painting as if his life depended on it, but he’s not going to push him or validate his obsession, so he tosses that question aside for the moment.

 

Louis is still looking at him, lost and broken. Harry tentatively takes the brush from his hand and is pleased to be met with no resistance. He tosses the brush aside and puts a comforting hand to Louis back, pushing him slightly to make him stand. Louis follows his lead, complacent and obviously exhausted.

 

They head to Harry’s bedroom to tuck Louis in. Harry hopes he can get a good amount of uninterrupted sleep and wake up with a clearer mind. All energy has evidently left Louis’ body and he lays willingly under the covers. When Harry goes to leave though, Louis traps his arm in his small hand and pleads for him to stay until he falls asleep. Harry lays with him and holds him close.


	20. Don’t be afraid, just eat up all the gray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kitten saviours!
> 
> Only two chapters left to this story! (How sad...)
> 
> BUT! I've started another story already! (How exciting! :D)   
> So don't hesitate to check that out and tell me what you think of it so far. I'm addicted to your feedback :)  
> I'm going to update at least once every week (but if I'm on a roll I'm just going to go with it and post more often...we'll see).
> 
> Thank you for reading, kudoing and commenting, it always warms my heart deeply and motivates me to keep updating.
> 
> xx

Harry’s in the studio trying to make sense of the 26 paintings standing in front of him, all variations of the same blue eyes. His helping Zayn clean up the mess Louis left behind in his distressed state. Or at least he is trying to help, but he can’t stop staring at one of the more vivid portraits he’s done during the night.

 

The coldness and the accusation behind the piercing electric gaze sends chills down Harry’s spine. The rest of the face isn’t as precise, the stare being the main focus. Harry can hardly make out the figure underneath the abstract brush strokes made in mostly crimson reds. He can’t tell if it depicts the features of a woman or a man which makes it hard to guess who Louis is trying to represent. It’s clearly not an auto portrait seeing as Louis completely panicked when Harry suggested it, but it looks so much like him. Harry’s trying to rack his brain for someone Louis could be obsessing over that has blue eyes, but for what he knows his father had brown ones and Louis currently only knows Niall with ocean colored irises, but there’s no reason to be obsessing over Niall. Maybe someone from school, but Louis hasn’t been there in a while now so it would be weird that he starts having nightmares about someone from there out of the blue. Harry scrubs his face with both of his hands frustratingly. He’s at a complete loss and he feels useless. He wants to help Louis through this, but he can’t do much if he has no idea what’s haunting him that way. Zayn isn’t helping much, gushing over the stunning artistry of it all. Harry agrees that it’s absolutely beautiful, but it’s also obsessive and putting Louis in a dangerous state.

 

They’re almost finished putting the paintings away when they hear a scream coming from Harry’s bedroom. It takes Harry all of 2 milliseconds to get to the boy’s side.

 

“No, no, no! Please, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please.” Louis is sobbing in his sleep and chanting apologies to a mysterious figure as if his life depends on it. Like clockwork, Harry takes the trembling and panting boy in his arms and rocks him gently trying to coax the nightmares out of him. He hasn’t been asleep more than 40 minutes and Harry thinks he needs at least 8 hours of sleep to really recuperate. He’s still sick from his run in the cold and sore form the beatings he took from Troy and that random thug in the park. It worries him greatly and he hopes Louis can fall back into peaceful abyss without waking up.

 

“Please I didn’t mean to, I’m so sorry mom, I’m sorry.” Louis is crying incoherently his words are mumbled. Harry almost misses it, but when Louis repeats the same words over and over again, realization washes over him. _Mom_. Louis’ mother. This is clearly the source of Louis’ current obsession. Harry doesn’t know much about Louis’ mother except that she died giving birth to him. He doesn’t even know if Louis is aware of that since they’ve never talked about her before, but it makes more sense than Niall and it’s the more sensible explanation Harry has come to so far.

 

Louis can’t seem to calm down and tears are still escaping his closed eyelids, he’s silently pleading an invisible accusatory who Harry now believes is he’s mother and Harry thinks he doesn’t have a choice but to confront Louis with it once he’s awake and coherent. He has to understand what’s going on in order to help him cope with it or at least try to help him. Louis can’t keep this up for long before he collapses and Harry will be damned if that happens under his watch.

 

Louis eventually calms down and seems to go back to a somewhat peaceful sleep. Harry keeps him in his arms and uses the time to go over every word he’s said in his abysmal panicked state, trying to put the puzzle pieces together. He was clearly pleading with his mother, apologizing for something. Harry can only deduct that Louis feels guilty for killing his father, but that’s almost absurd. His father was going to kill _him_. He was abusive for years. Harry would have thought he’d feel relieved that Troy Tomlinson was no longer around to torture him further.

 

After 30 minutes of uninterrupted slumber, Louis begins to whimper and stir again, but Harry is whispering sweet nothing in his ears and rubbing his back gently and Louis settles back again.

 

\---

 

_Louis is back in The basement and strapped to the mattress in an all too familiar position. When he hears footsteps approaching he thinks he’s going to see his father once more, ready to pain every way he can. He’s startled to see the figure of a woman leaning over him. Her warm smile unsettles him and her eyes are just like his own._

_“Mom?” Louis whispers. She’s grinning, but there’s no warmth to it, he can’t find the familiarity and care a mother should hold. She doesn’t answer him, but Louis can make out something in her hand and as she plays with it, Louis can make out the reflective surface of a blade. A knife._

_When he looks away from her, he sees his father watching the scene from afar and laughing loudly. His head tilts back in his obvious delight and Louis can see a bleeding hole in his throat. The one he put there himself. When he looks back at his mother, he recognizes the knife she’s holding. Its blade is spoiled with Troy’s blood. His mother is looking at him accusingly and lifting the knife slowly to his face._

_He’s sobbing uncontrollably and trying to free himself from the ropes, but he knows he has no chance of getting away, not again. His mother is bringing the blade closer and closer to his eyes and he’s aware of her intentions. He shuts his lids tight in a futile attempt to keep the sharp tool away from his irises. He understands her desire to rip them from his skull; he isn’t worthy of bearing her eyes. He isn’t worthy of the sacrifice she made at the very beginning of his life. Even though he understands, even though he agrees with her, he’s too weak not to beg, he’s too weak not to be petrified of the pain that he knows is inevitably coming._

_“Please, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… please” he’s pleads are muffled by his father’s laugh._

_He keeps his eyes shut even when he feels the blade starting to cut deep in the very corner of his eye. He tries to scream for help, for forgiveness, for mercy, but nothing comes out. His throat is too tight, his voice is stuck and he can’t get anything out. He doesn’t know if the warm liquid on his cheeks is blood or tears. The pain is excruciating. He suddenly feels the blade stop its movement and he makes the mistake of opening his eyes.  His mother is holding the point of the knife just above his pupil, she pulls away to create momentum and just as he sees the point of the blade crashing down_ he screams with all the force he has.

 

Instead of the pain he was expecting, he’s met with sudden silence. When he opens his eyes, In lieu of his mother towering over him, he’s met with warm, kind and familiar greens. The ropes have vanished, his father’s laugh as faded and The basement’s walls are replaced by Harry’s bedroom.

 

“Hey, hey Louis it’s okay, you’re safe, I’m here, I’m here.” Louis isn’t sure how long Harry has been whispering words of comfort in his ear and rocking him back and forth in his arms. After a while though he relaxes against Harrys embrace. He never knew sleeping could be even more tiring than staying awake, but he’s pretty sure he’s even more exhausted than he was before.

 

“Go back to sleep love, you need to rest.” Louis shakes his head. There’s no way he can close his eyes again. Even awake, the images of his mother cutting his eyes open are as real and vivid as the arms cuddling him. It’s a confusing contrast.

 

“Louis please, you need to sleep. You’re safe here, I promise.” Harry tightens his hold on his boy. He’s heart is breaking for him and Louis is still shaking his head stubbornly.

 

“No. No I can’t. Harry, I can’t.” He’s panicking at the mere idea of closing his eyes again. He struggles to get out of Harry’s hold. He needs to get up to make sure he doesn’t let his exhaustion take over him again. Harry is strongly pinning him to his chest and won’t let him get up.

 

“Harry, let me go. Harry, please.” Louis tries to dislodge himself from Harry’s hold.

 

“Shh, Louis, please, calm down, you need to sleep.” Harry tries to sooth him and keeps his voice warm and comforting.

 

“No, Harry. I’m hungry. I need to eat.” Louis shamelessly lies. He’s sure Harry doesn’t believe he actually wants to eat since he’s always reluctant to put food in his constantly churning stomach, but it’s the only thing he could think of that would make convince Harry to him get up.

 

Even if he’s lying about wanting to eat, Harry know he needs to. He also knows that, as much as he would love to, he can’t force Louis to sleep. He sighs in defeat.

 

“All right, let’s make a deal then. I’m going to cook you something and after you eat it, we’ll cuddle on the couch, we’ll watch a movie and you can go back to sleep. Sounds good?”

 

Louis sighs. He has absolutely no intentions of falling back to sleep, but it does buy him more time awake so he nods in agreement.

 

\---

 

Harry can see how Louis jolts himself wake every time he blinks for too long. He had hoped that his overtiredness, combined with food in his stomach, warm, reassuring cuddles and a mindless movie in the background would have lulled him right back to sleep, but Louis is fighting it with everything he has. He’s been battling his desire to succumb to slumber for an hour now and Harry is exasperated.

 

“Stop fighting yourself Lou, just close your eyes. Let go.” Harry whispers slowly in Louis’ ear. Harry can see how much Louis wants to give in, his eyelids seem too heavy to control anymore and his body is slack against Harry’s. His breathing is deep and regular.

 

Just when Harry thinks he’s finally succeeded, Louis jolts awake and jumps to his feet before Harry can stop him.

 

“I need a shower.” He says before running to the bathroom. Harry is too stunned to react fast enough.

 

“Lou!” Harry runs after him, but, by the time he’s at the bathroom door, Louis had already locked himself in and he hears the shower running not long after. Harry sigh, defeated.

 

Louis is just now realizing his mistake. He wasn’t aware of how much Harry’s presence was doing to keeps the images away, but now that he’s alone under the burning hot water, it doesn’t matter if he’s closing his eyes or not, one minute he’s in the shower and the other he’s back in the basement, his mother towering over him and his father laughing at the scene.

 

He eventually slips to his knees, unable to support his own weight anymore. He craves Harry’s strong hold and he regrets leaving the comfort of the couch. It scares him how much he needs the curly headed man just to hold himself together. He feels reality slip through his fingers as if the nightmares are calling for him no matter how hard he tries to stay awake. He’s powerless and has no choice, but to let them take over.

 

Guilt is the only thing he feels, his mother’s cold electric eyes, his eyes are the only thing he can see. Cold is seeping through him, it’s sticking to his bones and he can’t stop shivering.

 

Louis has been in the shower for far too long and Harry is pacing the floor. He’s had time to call Dr. Philips who’s promised to come over and check on Louis. He’s said he’d be able to prescribe him medication to sleep, Harry just hopes Louis agrees to take them.

 

Liam and Zayn have joined him in his worried state. They’ve all knocked on the bathroom door asking if Louis is all right, but he’s isn’t answering and the door is locked. Zayn is now trying to pick it with a paperclip and Harry is having flashback of David forcing himself on the innocent blue-eyed boy.

 

He tries to stay calm, but each second that passes has him imagining Louis in a pool of blood, wrists slit with a razor blade. Turns out picking a lock with a paperclip is easier in movies and TV shows. Zayn is cursing profusely and Liam is googling tutorials on how to pick a door.

 

Harry keeps calling for Louis, hoping to get a reaction from the other side of the door. After a minute or so, he thinks he hears a whimper and he’s actually relieved to hear proof of life even though his heart falls in his chest hearing such a broken sound.

 

The whole two minutes Zayn takes to get the door to open seems like an eternity to Harry and he couldn’t get inside quick enough. They find Louis balled up in the corner of a now glacially cold shower. He’s rocking back and forth and has this empty look Harry recognizes painfully well. He shuts the water off and settles himself in front of Louis, trying to meet his vacant gaze. He knows that, somehow, when Louis looks into his eyes he’s pulled back into reality. Louis is staring at his knees and mumbling nonsensical apologetic and guilt driven words that Harry fails to understand fully.

 

“Louis, love, look at me” He says putting a gentle but firm hand under Louis’ chin. He lifts his head up and searches his eyes. As soon as blue meets green, the boy blinks and frowns in confusion.

 

“Harry?” The sound escaping his lips is so weak Harry could have missed it if he hadn’t seen Louis’ mouth move slowly.

Harry brings him into his arms and lifts him up to get him out of the tub not a thought for the water seeping through his own clothes. Liam hands him a towel and he dries him off. Louis is still confused as to how long he was in the shower first and he has trouble remembering how he got there in the first place. He’s so exhausted he has trouble remembering why he couldn’t sleep in the first place.

 

Harry tucks him in and stays close, not knowing how long the boy’s slumber will last.


	21. And it will fade all away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello?
> 
> Kitten saviours?
> 
> Is there anyone here?
> 
> If you are still reading this, well props!! I'm glad! I'm so sorry it took so long for me to update!!   
> I'm expecting everyone to give zero shits about this anymore, but if you still care about the story, don't hesitate to let me know!
> 
> Sorry again for making you wait!
> 
> xx

Harry had taken the day off to watch over Louis. The media frenzy around Troy’s death having dialed down a little they decided to enjoy a day out, going to the park and eating lunch in a posh restaurant at Zayn’s expense where they made out shamelessly for the soul purpose of making their waitress uncomfortable. It was childish, but also a lot of fun and Harry was so content to see Louis smile all day, sometimes laughing this genuine loud laugh that made his eyes crinkle and sparkle. Louis was the happiest he’s ever felt, letting all his worries take a back seat and letting himself be guided by Harry’s charm and childish excitement.

 

Harry was glad to see how Louis seemed a lot more relaxed and comfortable with him. They were still at a stage of cuddling, kissing and holding hands, but Harry was letting Louis set the pace. In truth, Harry didn’t expect for him to initiate so much contact so rapidly, but Louis seemed to crave his presence and his comfort. Harry was more than willing to give him.

 

“God, this series is amazing. It makes me want to travel to each of those places so bad.”

 

Louis is now laying on his stomach like a starfish sprawled on Harry’s body who’s laying on his back on the couch. They’ve just finished watching the last episode of _Sense 8_ and they’ve been shifting from one cuddled position to the next, exchanging kisses between episodes. They seemed to be insatiable and they couldn’t get enough of each other. It had only been one day since they really took their relationship to the making out point. Harry was worried they might be moving too fast, but it would be almost impossible to stop touching and kissing Louis now that he had started. He was like a drug addict high on Louis’ affection and the latter seemed to return the sentiment in full force.

 

“Yeah it’s probably ‘cause they’ve filmed in the actual countries the story takes place in.” Harry adds on.

 

“Mmm. I think you’re right. I bet you’ve been to all of those places, am I right?” He asks, his chin propped up on his hand which his resting on Harry’s chest. Louis had had a chance to ask Harry about his travels during their day together and he couldn’t get enough of his solo travelers stories. He found it fascinating and the more he heard about the people Harry had encountered or the little adventures he had taken on spontaneously, the more he craved that freedom. Going anywhere you want, trusting and acting purely on your desires and instincts. It felt invigorating and empowering. The more he heard Harry talk about it, the more he wanted to experience it himself.

 

Harry seemed to have to think before answering. Trying to remember every place he’d been to. Louis would have rolled his eyes if he weren’t so endeared by his concentrated gaze.

 

“Mmm… oh! I haven’t been to India actually!”

 

“I’d love to see Mumbay…” Louis says thoughtfully. “We should go together.” He cringes at his own eagerness. Maybe Harry doesn’t want to burden himself with someone like Louis, young and unexperienced Loui who would only be a constant worry and dead weight for Harry to drag along. To his surprise though, Harry is smiling his biggest, brightest dimpled smile. His eyes sparkle when he says,

 

“Really? You would come with? That would be awesome! We really should go Lou! Let’s plan it and do it yeah?”

 

Louis smiles at Harry’s eagerness. The excitement the soul idea of traveling with Harry makes his stomach flutter. He has to look away from the sun that is Harry to stop that bursting sensation in his gut. He’s smiling, face pressed to Harry’s chest when he says,

 

“Okay, let’s do it.”

 

\---

 

“Louis, please, listen to me, you haven’t slept in 48 hours, you can’t go on like this.”

 

“I _have_ slept, Harry.”

 

“15 minutes of dozing off before jolting yourself awake as quickly as you can repeatedly doesn’t count as _sleep_ Lou.”

 

“Ok, fine, I’ll lay down for a bit, but I’m not taking those pills. You can’t make me.”

 

Harry sighs. They’ve been arguing for the past 30 minutes and Louis doesn’t want to listen to reason. Dr. Philips has prescribed him medication so that he could sleep better, but Louis refuses to take them and Harry won’t let this one go. They were watching _Grease_ when the argument broke down. Harry had noticed how Louis was fighting sleep yet again and had tried to convince him to take the pills. Now Louis was standing in front the couch, ready to flee. Harry decides to change his approach under a furious, but sleepy looking Louis. It’s like he’s fighting exhaustion only to make a point. Harry tries not to be endeared. They’re having an argument, damn it.

 

“Lou, why don’t you want to take them? You look like you could collapse any moment now, you need to rest and those pills will help you do that.” He says it in as gentle a tone as he can muster and it seems to the trick. Louis visibly deflates from his pretend-anger-stare and slouches back next to Harry on the couch with a heavy sigh.

 

“I just-ughh!” He groans, frustrated. “You don’t get it.” He hugs his knees to his chest and buries his face in his arms. Harry’s surprised by the sudden change of tone. Louis went from confident anger to retrieved hopelessness in only seconds. As if in sync with Louis’ emotions, he doesn’t miss a beat encompassing his little body with his arms and hugging him to his side.

 

“Then, tell me, love. Explain it to me please. I _want_ to understand. That’s all I’m asking really.”

 

Louis leans into his side further, his head resting on his chest.

 

“Okay.”

 

Louis seems to need time to gather his thoughts and assemble the courage to open up so Harry only holds him tight and waits in silence. He tries not to show how impatient he is of finally understanding Louis’ demons a little better. After what seems like centuries to Harry, Louis finally speaks.

 

“You know I have nightmares, it’s pretty obvious I think, right?” Louis looks at Harry in confirmation, who only dares to nod as if Louis was a fragile animal he needed to approach carefully, making sure it didn’t bite or flee.

 

“Actually, I should say nightmare since there’s only the one coming back over and over again.”

 

Louis pauses and Harry waits patiently.

 

“They’re about my –“ Louis cuts himself off and tries again trying another approach. “They’re about when –“ He sighs, frustrated. The words are stuck in his throat and even though he wants to open up to Harry about his mother, the guilt is swallowing him whole and effectively cutting any air in his lungs. He can’t get the words out in fear of disappointing Harry.

 

“I want to tell you, but I can’t” Harry sees the distraught in Louis’ expression and he can only hold him tighter.

 

“It’s okay you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, Lou, give it time, it’s okay”

 

“But it’s not! It’s not okay. I can’t take it anymore. Please Harry, I can’t sleep. I know I have to, but I can’t see her again, it hurts too much.” Louis is crying and sobbing uncontrollably now and it breaks Harry’s heart to see his boy in so much pain. Pain he can’t begin to understand.

 

\---

 

“How’s he doing?” Niall’s sitting on the couch, beer in hand. He’s addressing Harry who’s just come back from checking on Louis who’s sleeping in Harry’s room or more like their room now since Louis almost never sleeps in his own room anymore.

 

“He’s better, I think. The nightmares have subdued the past days and he’s been eating more. I guess the pills help.” Harry is looking intently at his room’s closed door, hoping he could do more for Louis. He had finally agreed on taking medication three days ago and he, at least was sleeping 7 hours a day.

 

“That’s good, right?” Niall asks, wary of the sad eyes Harry is giving to the door.

 

“Yeah, it’s good.” Harry sighs and takes the beer Niall is handing him before slumping back on the couch.

 

“I just… I feel like the sleeping pills are just a Band-Aid on an opened wound. He doesn’t have nightmares anymore because the medication refrains him from having dreams at all, but he still looks disconnected and depressed sometimes. He’s still obsessing in Zayn’s studio over really dark paintings that I can’t understand. He needs to talk to someone I think. Maybe someone that’s not connected to him in any way, that can have a fresh perspective on everything that’s happened to him.”

 

Niall nods his understanding. He’s seen Louis and how depressed he looks occasionally. He sees how he will fake a smile or a laugh or how he will look into the distance for a long period of time. Sometimes he zones out completely and the only thing that seems to be able to bring him back is Harry.

 

“Are you thinking of calling Grace?”

 

“Yeah, maybe she could come here and meet Louis.”

 

“Louis’ not gonna like that.” Niall says almost to himself, taking a swig of his beer.

 

They both glance worriedly at Harry’s closed bedroom, both imagining Louis’ reaction.

 

“Do you think I should give him a heads up or…?”

 

“I think you should just rip the Band-Aid off quickly.”

\---

 

Louis is lost in mixing different shades of blues to get the perfect one when he hears a knock on the door. He thinks it’s weird since the only other person that enters the studio is Zayn and he never knocks. Harry doesn’t knock either preferring to just talk to him over the closed door.

 

“Who is it?” Louis asks, still focused on his painting.

 

The door cracks open to reveal a red-headed slender woman harboring a warm smile. She walks silently to Louis’ easel and takes a seat beside him, where Zayn usually works. Louis acknowledges her for a millisecond before focusing back on his canvas. He has an idea of who that woman might be and he doesn’t like it one bit. He’s certainly not going to make this easy on her.

 

“Hi Louis, I’m Grace. Nice to meet you.” She extends a hand for Louis to shake, but the latter ignores it, preferring to keep on working.

 

Louis isn’t dumb and he knows she’s here to talk about what happened with his father and the nightmares. He had told Harry he didn’t want to talk to anyone, that he was fine. With the pills Dr. Philips had prescribed him, he could sleep without dreaming which kept the nightmares at bay. He had made a conscious effort to eat more to appease the worrying look he hated seeing on Harry’s gorgeous face. He couldn’t fool anyone though about how unwell he really is. He tried to talk to Harry about his mother in multiple occasions now, but every time he started he couldn’t admit out loud how she had sacrificed her life for him and how he had repaid her. He was terrified that Harry wouldn’t want him anymore, that he would kick him out and demand never to see him again. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t say it out loud, not even to himself. He had tried countless times saying the words alone in the bathroom, but his reflection in the mirror always stayed silent, his mouth would refuse to move and his lips always stayed shut.

 

Not wanting to be completely rude, Louis decides to at least acknowledge Grace’s presence.

 

“Hi”, he says while continuing on, mixing different blues and getting slightly frustrated at how much he can never get it right.

 

“What are you painting?” Grace asks softly. She looks genuinely interested and Louis is glad not to see the same lines of worry he sees in everybody else’s features.

 

“A woman” Louis is engrossed in his process and he doesn’t want to elaborate. To his relief, Grace only hums and stays silent. She watches Louis paint for a while and Louis is grateful for the silence. He finds that rather than being awkward like it is with most people, silence with Grace is comfortable and warm. She looks peaceful and at ease which rubs off on Louis who realizes is less tensed than he was before Grace came in. It even translates into the brush strokes on his canvas. Minutes pass before she eventually breaks tranquility gently, in an almost-whisper.

 

“Who is it that you’re painting? She looks beautiful.”

 

Louis freezes for a millisecond before continuing his work. It’s enough for Grace to notice though. Her simple complement to his painting, or more precisely to his mother brings out feelings he had tried to avoid.

 

“She looks a lot like you.”

 

Louis stops his movements and doesn’t try to hide it this time. He’s stuck between wanting to explain who she is so that the complement at least could go to its rightful owner – that’s the least he could do for his mother whom he betrayed gravely – and between letting the lump in his throat swallow him and his sorrow along with him.

 

“I can’t tell you who she is.” He says in all honesty. It’s really not that he won’t but that he physically can’t. His voice won’t allow it.

 

“Why is that?” Louis is glad that she didn’t assume that he just doesn’t want to tell her. He’s glad that Grace seems to understand the turmoil in Louis’ mind.

 

“I can’t say it. I can’t – I want to, I swear. I want to be able to talk to Harry about it when he asks, but I can’t.” Grace easily understands how Louis isn’t only talking about the painting or the woman it represents, but rather about everything he’s been through and how he feels about it.

 

“I wish I could, but the words are stuck.” As if to demonstrate his point, his sentence comes out strangled, barely audible around the lump in his throat.

 

Grace places a gentle hand on Louis’ shoulder and rubs soothing, subtle circles with her thumb effectively calming him down. He hadn’t realized how worked up he had even become.

 

“It’s okay Louis, it’s normal that it’s hard to talk about what’s happened to you. It’s more than normal; it’s to be expected. You shouldn’t force yourself to talk if it causes you so much distress.”

 

“But-“ Louis is about to argue. He _needs_ to talk sometime. He knows he has to let Harry in. He knows how worried everyone is of him and he wants to give them peace of mind. It’s the least he can do after what they’ve given him. But Grace cuts him off before he has time to says anything.

 

“How about you write about it instead You don’t have to show it to anybody, you can even throw it in the trash or burn it afterwards, it doesn’t matter. But just writing the words down, I think it might help you saying them later on.” She withdraws her hand to fold it on her crossed knees. She’s facing Louis’ painting and makes sure nothing about her demeanor is threatening. She knows how important it is that she lets her words sink in without giving Louis the impression that he is being studied. It seems to work well as Louis is pensively looking at his painting too, visibly less guarded than when she first came in.

 

Louis hadn’t thought of writing and he feels a little dumb for not thinking of it before. To his defense, he’s always been better with images than with words. He’s skeptical, but he is willing to try if it means he could eventually open up to Harry which is all he really wants.

 

Louis nods. Grace smiles. Louis thinks Grace might not be that bad after all.

 

“Good. I’m glad you’re willing to try. What would you think of seeing me again next week? You can then tell me how the writing went and we can go from there. Would you like that?”

 

Louis thinks about it. And, as always, Grace gives him time. He comes to the conclusion that only good can come from this and that he has nothing to lose. He nods. Grace’s smile grows bigger and warmer.

 

“I’m not sure it’ll work though.” Louis adds on, scared of disappointing her if he fails to even write the words he can’t bear to say.

 

“Don’t worry about the end result Louis, just promise me you will give it your best try. That’s all I ask of you. If it doesn’t work than it doesn’t work and e will find other solutions, all right?”

 

“Yeah all right”

 

Even though Grace was only talking to him for no more than 20 minutes, Louis feels invigorated, like there _are_ solutions to his problems, like there _are_ things he can try to open up and feel better. In no more than 20 minutes, Grace has restored hope that had escaped Louis and he feels a little bit lighter once she leaves the studio. He even puts his brush aside exchanging it for paper and a pen. He starts to write and only stops when Harry comes knocking at the door, startling him. He realizes he’s been writing for 2 hours without interruption. He tells Harry he’s coming to bed in a second and hides the pile of papers that accumulated his ramblings, his thoughts, his fears and his frustrations, unsure if he’s ever going to be able to show them to anyone. At least the words aren’t only in his head anymore, but on paper too. That’s progress, right? _It has to be_ , he thinks while he makes his way under the covers and cuddles Harry’s side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will come quicker, I promise you! I'm giving myself a week to wrap this up, because, yes, next chapter will be the last. (how sad...) I might do an epilogue after that, let me know if you'd be interested. 
> 
> As I said before, I've started another story called Whisper Me Your Screams so I will be updating this every week (I hope!), don't hesitate to check that out and tell me what you think,
> 
> If you want to contact me privately: laventriloque.AO3@gmail.com
> 
> xx

**Author's Note:**

> Legend says each time someone leaves a comment a kitten is rescued from certain death. Please save the kittens! :)


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